A Better Perspective on Money – Self-Talk Script

Here is an example of a Self-Talk script that I wrote in order to give myself a better perspective on money.  Rather than just using the typical affirmations that declare I attract money – I decided to listen to what my heart was telling me when I questioned my stressful thoughts using The Work of Byron Katie.  I decided to put some of the salient points from my Inquiry sessions on money and corporate success – into my Self-Talk scripts.

I realise that it’s more important to make good decisions with my money, than to have a fancy job title and high salary figure.

It is my right to prosper financially, get my needs met and live a good quality of life - regardless of my performance in the workplace.

My job title and salary figure are not indications of my ability to prosper financially and get my needs met. There is a lot more to do with prospering financially than earning a salary. What really counts is making good decisions with my money, buying and selling things at the right time, making good investments, saving diligently and being careful with how I spend my money.

I know that happiness has very little to do with how much money I have in the bank. I can be truly happy and content with whatever I have in this moment.

The best thing that I can do to prosper financially is to maintain peace of mind – free from worry about money. When my mind is at peace, I am in a position to make good decisions. A peaceful mind knows how much, when and with whom.

I know that currencies, interest rates, inflation, trade deficits and house prices fluctuate all the time. But I don’t look to those things to determine my prosperity – I look to the wisdom within me to make the right decisions that will steer me through life to financial victory. So while the economy goes up and down – my mind and emotions remain steady.

When it comes to climbing the corporate ladder – I realise that my success in the workplace is not just determined by what I achieve corporate success also requires confidence, people skills, kindness and courtesy and a happy disposition. So I make every effort to ensure that these vital life skills are always at work in me.

The Love Factor – Part 3

There seems to be an assumption in self-help circles that if you attain or achieve a certain thing, such as wealth, then all the happiness and sense of happiness, fulfilment, security, significance and self-worth that you mentally associate with it – will also be yours to possess. But many people have experienced that even when they get that promotion and pay-rise, romantic partner or even fame and fortune that they have always dreamed of – it does not change who they are and how they feel.

So if we take all these things into consideration, it seems that Self-Talk, although promising and potentially useful – could actually be rather imbalanced and incomplete, unless we factor love and the development of character into the equation.

When it comes to love, I believe that The Work of Byron Katie is the best thing I’ve ever come across. The Work does not seek to give people formulas and principles to live by; neither does The Work give you a whole lot of New Age spiritual-sounding theories. The Work is like a framework within which you question your own anxious thoughts with four questions and a “turnaround” – to discover that what you thought was true, is not true. The real wisdom that you gain from Inquiry is from within your own heart – not necessarily from someone else’s theories.

The anxious mind says…

• I need this or that to be happy.
• I need to work harder so I can achieve more.
• People should appreciate me more.
• So-and-so should be like this or that.
• I’ll never, I can’t…

Inquiry refutes all of these things and more, bringing you to the “turnaround” which is just as true as or truer than the original statement. Inquiry is a process of self-discovery and freedom from the fears, taboos, ideals and grudges that have held you captive for so long.

In the past, people have assumed that love is making an effort to be nice to a person; a warm, “gushy” feeling on the inside; or a strong attraction towards a person. But reality, love is much more than these things. I believe that love has a lot more to do with acceptance: of yourself as you are now, of other people as they are and of your current circumstances. Fear tries to predict the future and control circumstances. Love embraces the present and seeks to make the most of now. Fear looks to the other person to make more of an effort, to be different, to change to be someone they are not. Love accepts the other person as they are and seeks to change the way you see that person from a negative to a positive light.

Inquiry seems to be the premier method of changing attitudes and garnering love by finding truth from within. However, I don’t believe that Inquiry is suitable for re-programming your subconscious mind – that is where Self-Talk comes to the fore.

All in all I believe what will work to change a person’s life by changing the way they think – is by somehow channelling the results of Inquiry back into your Self-Talk scripts. In this way, the wisdom you discover within yourself in relation to your anxious thoughts can be used to re-programme your subconscious mind. Otherwise, you run the risk of one of two things:

1. You use Self-Talk or other affirmations method to re-programme your mind, but you are to busy trying to meet goals, achieve the impossible and get more money - than developing character and love.
2. You use Inquiry to discover the truth behind your stressful thoughts. You come to see that those thoughts aren’t true. But for some reason, those anxious thoughts keep on cropping-up, time and again, with just as much stress as before.

One of the results of this combination between Inquiry and Self-Talk will be a set of Self-Talk scripts that might differ somewhat from what you would normally expect. There will be the usual affirmations of achievement and believing in yourself, but there will also be affirmations which see things from a different perspective.

I will hopefully post some examples of these alternative Self-Talk scripts soon.

The Love Factor – Part 2

Another thing about affirmations in general is that they do not consider right and wrong motive. There is an assumption in self-help circles that people know what they want and that their motives are genuine. There is this idea that whatever a person desires is something that they indeed should attain, and can attain, if they use the correct principles and formulas. There is therefore a need to be able to somehow discern what is genuine from our motives and to bring our desires into question in order to know what is right for us.

It is for this reason that I recommend using The Work of Byron Katie to question even your most precious, or even most convincing, goals and desires. Discovering and telling yourself that you actually can have a thing, is a powerful step towards finding peace. But also finding out and telling yourself that you actually don’t need that thing right now, is also a powerful step towards finding peace. Not surprisingly, you won’t see any affirmations that tell yourself that you don’t actually need those things that you desire the most – unless it is dealing with a habit, such as alcohol or smoking.

It is very frustrating when you feel that you are achieving a lot and doing a good job – only to find that someone who achieves less, but is more well liked (and perhaps more consistent) than you are – is appreciated and rewarded more. This is just one of the examples in which love is a significant factor.

In this example, Self-Talk directed solely towards achievement and performance, is only tackling part of the issue. So it seems that if Self-Talk is to be of any use, in some cases at least, there is a need for something more – there is a need for something which encourages and attracts love.

As I have said in recent blog entries, I have veered away from achievement of goals, towards the formation of character. This is because I believe that it is who you are on the inside that changes your environment: how you feel on the inside, how you relate to others, how others relate to you, what you achieve, how organised and efficient you are and your attitude towards things.

There are so many more examples that I could give in relation to love and character development versus achievement and attainment. You could have lots of friends, be surrounded by people you get on well with, yet feel terribly lonely. You could go on a date with an attractive member of the opposite sex, but lack the personality to sustain a worthwhile relationship. You could make a great effort to treat people with kindness, even perform acts of benevolence – yet be treated with rejection and hostility in return. You could achieve a major goal, perhaps go on the holiday of a lifetime, but if you don’t have love in your life – it won’t make you feel any better and it won’t change your life.

There seems to be a higher spiritual law in effect when it comes to love. This law of love is something that none of us can avoid and it affects every area of our lives. Love is the very essence of our higher nature, but it seems to depend a great deal on our beliefs and attitudes when it comes to how and when we allow it to work in our lives.

When it comes to what love actually is and how it expresses itself from our higher nature, I believe that First Corinthians 13:4-7 explains what it is:

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 nkjv

There seems to be so much more than accompanies love as well: joy, peace, intuition, vitality and so on.

If you are going to use Self-Talk or any other method of affirmations – I think it would be a good idea to include statements which encourage the development of the above qualities.

The Love Factor – Part 1

I’ve already mentioned in recent blog entries that I am inclined to believe that the best, most balanced approach to affirmations has to be that of Shad Helmstetter as presented in his books What to Say When You Talk to Yourself and The Self-Talk Solution.

Self-Talk seems to be like a pep-talk to me – but one that can actually re-program your subconscious mind with new, positive directives. It is all about changing your attitude from a negative one to a positive one. Self-Talk helps you to see things from a different perspective – a positive one; instead of telling yourself that you can’t do, be or have something – you tell yourself that you can.

So Self-Talk definitely seems to have its merits. I’m not entirely convinced, as yet, that it actually works – but I’m still optimistic and curious about it enough to stick with it and see what happens. But if Self-Talk works as well as the author says it does – it is worth giving it a go.

I like the fact that Self-Talk is balanced and realistic – there are no affirmations that tell you that you’re a millionaire or otherwise significantly wealthy. In fact, in amongst all the thirty or so Self-Talk scripts in the book The Self-Talk Solution, there are only about one or two scripts on the subject of money. This is likely to disappoint some, but I feel that the balance is right. After all, there’s more to life than money and there’s more to making money than just telling yourself that you have it. Some of the Self-Talk scripts in this book cover specific areas, such as losing weight or quitting smoking, whilst others are about believing in yourself and being motivated. But it is all stuff that I think most people could believe and accept.

But now that I read the Self-Talk scripts, there seems to be something missing. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety to one extent or another – but the last 15 years or so has been rather difficult. I would say that the past 15 years have taught me what love is, ironically, by experiencing what life is like without it. In fact, a distinct lack of love has probably been the root cause of my depression and anxiety in the first place.

What often motivates people to use affirmations, goal-setting and other self-help principles and formulas – is the promise of fulfilment and happiness, often through the achievement and attainment of things. There seems to be a direct connection in our minds between what we have or do, with how we feel on the inside. We have literally become programmed to see achievement and the attainment of money and material goods, as being the measure of how good we feel on the inside. We have just learned to believe that if we can just find the formula to get and do the things we need – all of those things that we associate with love, will inevitably accompany those achievements.

I find that what life has shown me is that a lot of the time, what I have or do has very little to do with how I feel emotionally. There are so many misnomers in life which have us striving for all the things we think will make us happy, when all along, they don’t have a great deal to do with our mental and emotionally well-being.

A classic example of this concept is the workaholic who works hard in the office in the hope of advancement and a sense of personal satisfaction. Little does this person realise that no matter how hard you work, if people don’t have a good opinion of you, it could achieve a lot less than you expect it to. It is quite possible to work hard all year – only to make some little mistake down the line, which seems to greatly diminish the confidence you have in yourself, as well as the confidence that others have in you. Again, it all comes down to the opinion that other people have of you. If you know that others have a low opinion of you, then you know that just one little mistake could deal a mortal blow to your career progression.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 7

The Heart Connection

The good thing about Inquiry (also known as The Work) is that you get an immediate response from within yourself, from your subconscious mind to your conscious mind; a connection is made and a response is given. However, with Self-Talk, there hardly ever seems to be a connection within yourself, as far as I am aware. Sometimes I “tune-in” to the Self-Talk recording, but more often than not, I seem to “tune-out”. I suppose you could say that you are not consciously aware of the impact it is having on your subconscious mind – but the subconscious mind is being re-programmed – even though you don’t feel it. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the truth is with this.

I must say that there are times when I listen to Self-Talk and it’s as if I really need to hear it – I listen to it consciously and revel in each word spoken. This typically happens when I get anxious about something, but do not question it with The Work, for one reason or another. In such cases, it’s as if the anxiety literally clings to me – even the next day. I can experience a similar sense of relief to using Inquiry, when I listen to some motivating Self-Talk. However, I would never advocate the use of Self-Talk alone as a substitute for Inquiry, but as a supplement to it.

Then there are the times when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety over something – at such times, I just seem to be oblivious to any Self-Talk I listen to. When I’m really anxious about something, I need to use Releasing or Inquiry to find freedom from it.

Conclusion

It’s just early days now: I’ve only been using Self-Talk for a few weeks and I can’t say that I’ve noticed a great deal of improvement and I can’t say that I have accomplished any goals because of it. But it seems to be quite convincing and compelling. Who knows if this will turn out to be yet another self-help fad that gets consigned to history?

I feel that the 15 year period since I last used Self-Talk has taught me a great deal. I have tried to express many of the things I’ve learned during that time under the affirmations tag. But I am aware of the fact that life is a journey that each of us need to encounter. It is difficult to learn the lessons of life from a book, or otherwise from someone else’s writings. You can learn some guidelines from a book, such as parenting or car maintenance – but the very skills of life itself – that kind of wisdom can only be experienced.

Hopefully, I am now older and wiser and having fallen foul of the excesses of affirmations and goal-setting and other unrealistic promises that self-help teaching seems to convey – I can now make good use of affirmations, through Self-Talk, in conjunction with Releasing, and especially, Inquiry.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 6

Goal-Setting and Being Organised

Self-Talk seems to be heavily goal-oriented and a lot of scripts in the book, The Self Talk Solution, contain statements about achieving goals.  Goal-setting requires that a person focus on something desired in the future.  For me, I see this as a guaranteed formula for anxiety.  I am now more inclined to veer away from setting goals and I tend to concentrate on experiencing peace of mind in the moment.  This necessitates focusing my mind on the everyday life, here-and-now things which are in front of me.  Goal setting invites fantasy which more often than not leads to disappointment.

But now that I have returned to Self-Talk, I am becoming more convinced of the positive effects of goal-setting.  But as Shad points out in his books – there is a need to set simple and realistic goals.  This, I believe, could help a person to be more organised and effective, as well as creating a sense of achievement upon the accomplishment of a goal.

Positive minded people often set goals and achieve them – but it is something of an automatic process with them.  I’m not entirely sure that negative minded people can artificially re-create the effects of goal-setting and get it to work for them.  I suppose I just need to find the right balance between what is realistic and achievable and what is nothing more than speculation or fantasy.

Another thing that I had a hard time accepting in Shad’s books was that he often emphasises being in control of your life.  No one is in perfect control of their life.  Unexpected things quite often happen to the most organised, successful and positive-minded people – and there is often nothing they can do to prevent it or control it.  Trying to control circumstances is probably one of the biggest causes of anxiety.

Positive minded people don’t go around planning every little detail of their lives – they often trust in others and in life to make things go well for them.  Positive people often allow life to unfold as it does, and as it does, they deal with whatever arises in the moment.  Nevertheless, positive minded people also tend to be a great deal more organised, efficient and self-controlled than negative-minded people.  Therefore, I am inclined to go along with Shad’s Self-Talk statements about being in control of my life – if it means becoming calm, organised, efficient, punctual and self-disciplined.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 5

An Encyclopaedia of Self-Talk

I remember reading 15 years ago in Shad Helmstetter’s book What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself, that he had been working on compiling an encyclopaedic collection of Self-Talk statements – but I was unable to discover anything further on the matter at the time. But now, thanks to the internet, I was able to find that this collection of Self-Talk had been published in a book called The Self-Talk Solution. This book provides over 2,500 Self-Talk statements that cover a wide range of concepts that are relevant to many, if not all, people. The book was now out of print so I had to order a second-hand copy from the internet.

There is something of a parallel between Self-Talk and The Work: both methods work by listening to, and writing down, your anxious thoughts, typically those you tend to verbalise; then, you question them (with The Work) or make Self-Talk scripts based on them (Self-Talk). So, if you say to yourself, “I hate this job – I never seem to be able to do it right.” You say something that makes it into a positive statement, such as, “I like my job, I am good at what I do and I enjoy the opportunity to utilise my skills and abilities.” I would say that both statements could be just as believable – depending on how a person’s mood at a given moment. But wouldn’t it be good if you could hear yourself speaking that positive Self-Talk everyday – regardless of your mood?

If you think about it – it just takes someone to spend a lot of time on a project to listen to their own negative Self-Talk, the kind of things that we all face in life in one form or another, then write Self-Talk scripts for all of them. That is what, I believe, Shad Helmstetter has done for us through The Self Talk Solution. Despite the different things we all face in life, our negative Self-Talk is typical and often varies rather little from person to person. This is something that Byron Katie has noticed – even thought she travels the world from country to country – she is presented with the same beliefs from person to person.

I will no doubt write and record my own Self-Talk scripts in the future. Even now I can think of some specific circumstances that I would like to focus on. But I do feel that The Self-Talk Solution presents a good, solid stock of Self-Talk scripts that are more than enough to get someone started and well on their way with Self-Talk. In fact, it might be the only set of Self-Talk scripts that you will ever need.

For the last three weeks I have been having fun recording my own voice repeating the Self-Talk scripts from The Self-Talk Solution. I have now recorded 31 Self-Talk scripts, two of which are my own scripts, the rest are from The Self-Talk Solution. I intend to record the next 20 or so scripts in the near future.

I must say that I am surprised at the quality of my recordings and how professional they sound – even with just basic equipment! If I can do it – I’m sure most people can do it as well.

The Lifetime Library of Self-Talk CDs

If you don’t feel comfortable recording your own voice – what you can do is buy The Lifetime Library of Self-Talk CDs from The Self Talk Store on Shad Helmstetter’s website.  This is a set of professionally recorded Self-Talk covering a variety of topics, 32 Self-Talk scripts in all.  This set is normally $199.00, but at the moment they are on special offer at $99.50.  Part of the description says, “No home should be without this incredible, life-changing library of professionally recorded Self-Talk CDs”.  If listening to recorded Self-Talk can really make a difference to a person’s life – then I’m inclined to agree with this statement!  You can check out the various testimonies on his website attesting to the effectiveness of these Self-Talk CDs.

Audacity

I record my own Self-Talk scripts using my computer with a good quality Skype headset and a free software application from the internet called Audacity. Audacity even comes with a range of built-in effects. One of the effects I always use is Normalize – this amplifies and regularises the volume levels in your recording.

Another effect I always use is Gverb, which is a reverb effect. Unfortunately, the default settings for Gverb will make you sound like you are in a sewer! It is necessary to tweak the settings a bit in order to get it right. These settings will give a slight reverb to give your voice to give your recording a nice presence and a professional sound:

Roomsize: 10 m²  Reverb time: 1.5 s  Damping: 0.9  Input bandwidth: 0.75  Dry signal level: 1.5 dB  Early reflection level: -30 dB  Tail level: -30 dB

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 4

The Need for a Wide Range of Self-Talk Scripts

There is another thing that struck me when reading What To Say When You Talk to Yourself recently – the author recounted that while he was using Self-Talk to lose weight, he identified fourteen different areas that he needed to work on to achieve his goal and he made a Self-Talk script for each one. He found that if he was going to lose weight, he would also need to write and use scripts for related areas which influenced his weight. These additional areas and scripts included things such as Self-Esteem and Willpower and Determination.

I personally believe that Shad Helmsetetter stumbled upon something truly significant during this experience: typically, in any area that we would like to change in our lives, there are likely to be various different other issues that also need changing. Perhaps this is another reason why most people’s efforts with affirmations don’t work? It strikes me that something as seemingly innocent as the desire to lose weight, can turn out to be, what I feel, is an opportunity for change in many areas of a person’s life and a way of identifying, and changing, areas of dysfunction that are affecting many areas of your life.

The lesson that I learn from reading about Shad’ experiences with losing weight, is that it is a good idea to use various different Self-Talk scripts that cover a broad spectrum of concepts. I would advise against, for example, singling out one or two particular areas, such as attracting wealth, and focusing on them in isolation.

I personally believe it all comes down to how secure a person is: if a person is negative minded and insecure, it is likely that they need a wide-range of Self-Talk scripts in order to literally rebuild their belief system; whereas, a positive, secure minded individual can probably get away with using specific Self Talk scripts to achieve specific goals, such as losing weight or quitting smoking.

Conditioning and the Formation of Character

Something I learned a few years ago has played a big part in my outlook on life: I believe that everything we experience in life contributes towards our beliefs – whether they be positive or negative. We are literally conditioned on a daily basis, from moment to moment. I believe that if a person is raised by positive, highly motivated and prosperous parents – they will have a positive impression on their offspring. But if a child is raised in poor conditions, that will have significant bearing on the mind of the person as they reach adult life. The effects of this conditioning need not be permanent – but I have struggled all of my life to find suitable solutions to a life lived with a negative mindset.

Many self-help authors seem to agree that the words we speak about ourselves and the words that are spoken to us, about us, make a significant contribution towards establishing our beliefs. Psychologists say that it is our formative years, the first seven years of our lives, which contribute the most towards what we believe about ourselves, the world and other people.

I personally believe that it is crucial from the moment you start primary school at about the age of five, till when you leave senior school at about the age of 16 – that you have developed a solid character with good interpersonal skills, self-confidence and self-esteem. It is the character that you build during your school years that determine how well you will fair in life as an adult.

Some people leave senior school, confident, charged and motivated – ready to take on the challenges that face them as an adult. Meanwhile, there are other people who leave senior school with a low opinion of themselves, feeling defeated already and unwilling to take risks.

I feel that the combination of Inquiry and Self-Talk could present a major breakthrough in the development of a solid character that is able to succeed and prosper in adult life – regardless of the mistakes you made, abuses experienced and opportunities you missed as a youth.

It is easy to see why some people just want to take some sort of short-cut and just use affirmations to attract wealth and power. But it seems that the more insecure a person is – the more naïve they will be and the more likely they will get carried away with unrealistic approaches. But the use of Inquiry together with a wide range of good, balanced, realistic Self-Talk scripts, presents a credible way to regain the positivity and character that you should have developed during your formative years.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 3

Self-Talk for Self-Esteem

Now that I think about it – everyone needs to hear the kind of encouraging Self-Talk statements that are presented as examples in by Shad Helmstetter’s book – What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. You really cannot leave the responsibility to be told that you are worth something from other people – this is a responsibility that only you can bear. Self-Talk seems to carry the potential to deliver that need in a simple and effective manner.

The Work of Byron Katie deals with the want for approval which is most definitely linked to a low self-esteem. You should question an anxious thought that says, “I need so-and-so’s approval – is it true?” When you reach the turnaround, hopefully, you will see that you don’t need that person’s approval. Nevertheless, I still feel that there is a need to somehow feel wanted, loved and special. This is where I feel Self-Talk could provide the answer.  I’m not entirely sure what contributes towards a good self-esteem, perhaps it is the encouragement and acceptance of others, maybe it is something you have when everything seems to go well in your life.  Whatever makes up self-esteem – it is something that we all need and I believe that positive Self-Talk could be the answer.  After all, you cannot allow the responsibility for your self-esteem to be given to someone else.

Cognitive Dissonance

I recently learned about the concept of Cognitive Dissonance: this is the reaction that the mind has to a new belief. I suppose it is this Cognitive Dissonance that explains much of the reason why the mind often rejects affirmations which try to instil new belief patterns: they are just not consistent with existing beliefs which are deeply entrenched in the subconscious mind. Self-help gurus and hypnotists have come-up with ideas to get around this, chiefly, getting into a relaxed state so that the conscious mind will not reject the new beliefs. Some New Age gurus have presented theories about programming your mind while you sleep or using subliminal messages.

By the way, I feel that The Work is probably the best method I’ve ever used in combating this Cognitive Dissonance, although, it often requires people to be willing to embrace a truth that they may not be comfortable with at first.

Shad Helmstetter argues against the use of hypnotic and subliminal methods with affirmations – he simply argues that conscious Self-Talk is the best method to use.

How to Create Your Own Self-Talk

Basically, you write your affirmations in scripts according to a given topic. There might be about 10 to 12 different affirmations in one script. Examples of these scripts could be, “Build Self-Esteem” and “Willpower and Determination”. Then, you either read these scripts to yourself out loud, or better still, you record them onto tape and play them back to yourself. Each Self-Talk statement should be either read or recorded to tape and should be repeated three times in the first person, followed by once in the third-person i.e. Three times as “I am…” followed by once as “You are…”.  I tend to just record each statement once – then copy the script twice so that I hear myself speaking the statements three times.

The book was first written in 1982, so it makes reference to tape recorders. Of course, nowadays you probably wouldn’t use tape: you would be more likely to use a CD or an MP3. I have started using a small, 1 Gigabyte MP3 player which I stopped using when I bought my high-capacity iPod. I now use this little MP3 purely for Self-Talk. The fact that it is very small means that I can literally carry it anywhere I go. If you use a good pair of modern, noise-cancelling headphones, you can listen to Self-Talk on the train or walking down a busy high-street. Cars now have MP3 players, pretty much as standard, so you can also listen to Self-Talk while driving.

The use of Self-Talk on MP3 is the most convenient way of using it. Through this method, I think a lot of people can quite easily squeeze an hour or two effortlessly re-programming their mind with positive beliefs, while they do other things. I don’t believe that Inquiry has that same level of flexibility. Perhaps persistent Inquiry can have the same effect of re-programming your mind – but it can often be difficult to find the time to do it on a consistent basis.

Self-Talk on MP3 can be applied almost anywhere – even when you are surrounded by other people. It is like having your own personal coach that you carry around with you in your pocket – ready to give you encouragement whenever you need it.

Shad Helmstetter writes in his book that after listening to his own Self-Talk scripts on weight-loss which he recorded onto tape – he lost a significant amount of weight in a relatively short period of time. Here is a video of Shad Helmstetter himself giving a brief introduction to Self-Talk (which includes his weight-loss story): Dr. Shad Helmstetter - "The Story of Self-Talk"

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 2

What to Say When You Talk to Yourself

When I considered what was the best approach to using affirmations, I almost immediately thought of the method described in the bestselling book by Shad Helmstetter – What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. As far as I could recall, I did not remember this author giving way-out, unbelievable testimonies; I did not recall him ever using New Age speak, such as “aligning your vibration with the universe”.

I was curious, so I took another look at the book. It had been about 15 years since I had first read this book and since I had last used secular, self-help affirmations. When I glanced through the book, I was struck by how down-to-earth and practical it all sounded. The author was not trying to urge people to do something unattainable.

Self-Talk for Your Attitude in the Present Moment

Self-Talk seems to work mainly at changing a person’s attitude towards something – something that they typically face in their everyday life in this present moment. Attitude is extremely important because it determines a person’s desires, and desires strongly influence a person’s actions.

There is nothing “magic” about changing your attitude – there is no need to use New Age mumbo-jumbo to approach the subject of making real, lasting changes to yourself and your life. The simple, down-to-earth, practical way that Shad Helmstetter tackles the subject of using affirmations to change your life – has now become very appealing to me.

The affirmations in Shad’s book sounded like pep-talk statements, such as, “I believe in myself, I have what it takes to do the job at hand and to do it well.” I feel that pep-talk statements can be believed by almost anybody. Whatever it is that you do at this moment, you can tell yourself that you are good and capable at doing it. That means that if you are a schoolteacher, accountant, housewife, salesperson, plumber or mechanic – whatever it is that you do – you can believe that you can be good at whatever it is you do.

This does not mean that you should give up your dreams and surrender to a lifetime on a career path that you no longer wish to pursue. But it is important to be able to discern the difference between a realistic, definite aspiration and a whim. I think the more negative minded a person is – the more likely they are to experience, and be swept away by, whims.

Wherever you want to go in life, I believe that the answer is to stick to your current path until a side road presents itself. Until a valid opportunity comes your way, you really have no choice but continue with what you are doing at this moment. Self-Talk can help by dealing with your attitude to what it is that you face right now in this moment. Over you can have a good attitude towards the people and things in your life – or you can have a bad attitude – the choice is yours. Self-Talk can help you make a shift from a bad attitude to a good attitude.

We typically struggle with affirmations that get us focused on something we are not, or do not already have or do. A person who stacks shelves in a supermarket could tell himself all day that he is a doctor – but it won’t make much difference to that person’s life. What will make a difference is investigating what is required to study for becoming a doctor, the cost of it, how the study can be accommodated in your current lifestyle, and so on. Affirmations can help with that, but there is a need to be practical and realistic.

I reached a point whereby I was fed-up with the tall-stories I read in self-help books and heard in mega churches; I got bored and disillusioned with the pep-talks that they would give – it never seemed to make a lasting difference to my life. But as Dr. Helmstetter points out in his book – Self-Talk is more than just a pep-talk because it programs your mind with new, positive beliefs. If that is true – this could be something worth pursuing.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 1

As I have no doubt repeated time and again on this blog: I believe that The Work of Byron Katie and The Sedona Method are the best self-help methods I have ever used – they are simple to use and you can feel the effect of it straight away. I tend nowadays to favour The Work.

A Lack of Permanent Results

But I have found that after about three years of doing The Work, the anxiety still comes back – even after questioning the same anxious thought numerous times. I value each session of inquiry as no two sessions are exactly the same: I find that I often gain new insight and see things from a slightly different perspective, the second or third time I question a thought. But I have also found that after questioning a persistent anxious thought a few times – the same insight and responses present themselves, time and again.

A little while ago I came up with the brilliant idea of concentrating on questioning my most prolific and stressful thoughts. I reasoned that if I could reach the point of a natural “no” response to question one – then I would experience a significant shift towards a permanent state of peace and joy. But it would seem that as soon as I reached my goal of question-one-no to some of the toughest stressful thoughts – they would emerge again and I would experience hardly any difference to my natural state.

Up until recently I did The Work almost every day: I would do a session of inquiry while in the shower getting ready for work at the office in the morning. Then, I would typically do two inquiry sessions back-to-back when I got home in the evening. I would usually experience the same sense of freedom each time I reached the turnaround; I would also find myself becoming consciously aware of the same things during my sessions as well.

It can be the most bizarre thing to find yourself getting stressed all over again over a belief that you know is not true, a belief that you have already questioned through inquiry several times. It is almost as if your mind develops some sort of amnesia when you experience anxiety, as you find yourself completely losing conscious awareness of the fact that you can indeed have this or that or that you don’t need that thing whatsoever (not in this present moment anyway).

A List of Reminders and Affirmations

The lack of permanent results got me thinking of alternative solutions – something that I could possibly use in conjunction with my inquiry sessions to make its effect more long-lasting. I considered the fact that it was as if I needed to use some sort of quick and easy method of taking the recurring, salient points from my inquiry sessions and reviewing them. Perhaps I could record some of my sessions on a portable voice recorder, listen to them and then make a note of the things that keep on turning up. Then, I could read this list to myself every morning. This method, I reasoned, would be a lot quicker that inquiry and would be almost as effective. After all, it seemed that quite a bit of my inquiry sessions were just repetition and waffle.

It was during this time that it struck me how similar this proposed list of reminders was to affirmations. I had dabbled with affirmations in the past – just like most self-help advocates. I remember getting off to an enthusiastic start with affirmations, but then my enthusiasm trailed-off as it seemed like it was not working. Like many other people who have used affirmations, I tried to believe and attract all sorts of outrageous things. I suppose it did not help when most self-help gurus were in the habit of giving people way-out, miraculous testimonies.

I think it’s worse for charismatic Christians, because there are always evangelists who give them pep-talks based on some miraculous event in the Bible – such as Jesus walking on the water or Moses parting the Red Sea.

It goes without saying that I was now rather reluctant to return to affirmations. This led me to really think about why affirmations did not work – much of this pondering of mine went into the Why Affirmations Don’t Work series on this blog, which I have grouped together under the affirmations tag.

The Need for Inquiry – Part 2

I have been using inquiry through The Work of Byron Katie for almost three years now. I am amazed at the way in which inquiry seems to work for me every time, in that by the time I reach the turnaround, I experience a release from stress and the knowledge of the truth (whether or not I really wanted to hear that truth before I started asking the four questions). The only times that inquiry has not worked are when I have been drinking alcohol or when I’m very tired – but that is what you would expect anyway.

Inquiry – the Ultimate in Self-Realisation

I am convinced that inquiry is the ultimate method for establishing a conscious awareness of the truth from within. It is this awareness of the truth which can change a person’s beliefs, attitudes, and desires and ultimately their actions and behaviour – it all starts with what we think and believe. Who would have thought that our very own anxious thoughts provide us with everything we need in order to know our own mind and thoughts intimately and to find our own way out of the complex web of lies in which we have been caught-up in for so many years of our lives? You could say that inquiry is the ultimate in self-realisation.

Platitudes

For decades, self-help and spiritual gurus have written scores of books which tell people who they should think, feel, and behave in certain situations. All of this teaching has been well intended, but most of it doesn’t work. The reason for this is that a lot of it operates on the basis of giving a person a platitude and expecting them to do something with it. Such platitudes could include telling people to not get angry when someone provokes them or to do something nice for someone you love.

Changing Beliefs

What we believe establishes our attitude, which determines our feelings or desires, which in turn give rise to our actions or behaviour. So if you want to change your life, you need to change your beliefs.

It was around 1994 when I first read the book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy. This book changed my perspective towards my mind and my life when I first read it. It made so much sense to me that I had a conscious mind and a subconscious mind; our feelings and behaviour is governed largely by the beliefs we hold in our subconscious mind; and the beliefs we have in our conscious mind and subconscious mind can become significantly out of synch. This explained to me why I would find myself habitually doing the things I didn’t want to do, whilst struggling to do the things I wanted to do.

For many years now affirmations have been seen as the main way to change the beliefs we have in the subconscious mind. I remember when I first started to use affirmations about fifteen years ago. I got off to an enthusiastic start but then my efforts seem to wane. Like any other new habit such as eating healthily or keeping fit, I would go in predictable cycles of making a spurt of effort, putting it off to another day, before then forgetting about it until a few weeks or months later. I can’t honestly say that during that time I saw any significant change to my life.

Word of Faith

I eventually gave up on affirmations and self-help as I became more engrossed in Christianity. During the early "noughties" I became rather obsessive about Christian Word of Faith (also known by its critics as “Name it and Claim it”), particularly the teaching of Kenneth E. Hagin. Word of Faith is like a Christian equivalent of The Secret and The Law of Attraction. The whole idea behind W.O.F. is that if it is written in the Bible – you can have it. So if someone from ancient times middle-east was blessed by God with lavish wealth – you can have it too because it is written in the Bible. Obviously this system is abusive, misleading and does not work. I eventually started coming out of W.O.F. after about five years.

The Need for Inquiry – Part 1

I have been using releasing for three years now and inquiry for two and a half years. During this time I have come to see releasing as an effective, instantaneous, on-the-spot stress reliever; it is more than that actually in that it also provides a means of straightening-out my beliefs and attitudes, by showing me the degree to which the core wants play a part in my thinking. But I would say that it was the use of inquiry through The Work of Byron Katie, which provided me with the most effective way of questioning my beliefs that I had ever experienced. That is not to say that The Work is necessarily better than The Sedona Method – I am simply stating my own preferences and experiences, whilst keeping an open mind.

The Familiar Human Condition

I have found that when I use inquiry the same issues arise a lot of the time. Not every session of inquiry is the same and I often encounter something new that I didn’t know before; which is one of the reasons why inquiry is so amazing. Nevertheless, it seems that no matter what belief I seem to question, whether it is being stuck in a traffic jam or I am reading about the economic situation in the newspaper – inquiry seems to get me into that place deep within me that seems to be the source of all the dysfunction in my life. Despite our cultural and religious differences, it seems that human beings are very much the same in the way they think and react to certain situations. Psychology has sought to make an exact science out of this the way in which the mind behaves in lawful and predictable ways.

Byron Katie has remarked in the past on the way in which she has found that no matter where she takes The Work in the world – the same beliefs arise time and again. A couple could be in a war torn country with bombs and bullets flying everywhere, but the same beliefs express themselves: my husband should love me more; my wife shouldn’t nag so much and so on. So it seems that there is some benefit in hearing other people doing The Work – even people with from different countries with different socio-economic backgrounds.

So it seems that there is something of a common theme behind all the underlying dysfunction in the mind of man which seems to create so much stress and turmoil in life. It is this predictability that has caused self-help and spiritual gurus to establish so-called cure-all formulas for this common human dilemma. But of course, we all know that despite the incredible popularity, fame and fortune these gurus attain – a lot of people find that their methods simply do not work.

The Need to Inquire Within

I think one of the reasons why these self-help and spiritual principles and formulas do not work, is because there is a need to take responsibility for your own life, be allowed to make mistakes (and learn from them), develop and mature in your own time and to see what works (and doesn’t work) for yourself. What I like about The Work is that it is not a set of principles and formulas that you must follow in order to be happy and successful: The Work is more like a framework within which you ask yourself questions and tune-in to that part of you that has the answers and knows what’s best for you – rather than looking to some guru to tell you what you should or should not do.

Inquiry is gentle, patient and kind – inquiry does not make demands and push unreasonable expectations on yourself. Inquiry accepts where you are in life right now, it doesn’t make excuses, but rather, accepts responsibility for who you are and where you are and seeks freedom from stressful thoughts. It is in this freedom that you are able to make the decisions that are the best for you in this moment.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 22

Focus on the Here and Now

What some people tend to forget is that it takes more than focusing on a desired end result in order for a desired goal to manifest itself: it is all about what goes on between now and the final destination; it is all about the journey we take, the decisions we make along the way, our willpower, confidence, patience and determination; how good we are at making decisions; being open minded enough to spot good opportunities; and how good we get along with other people.

Let us not underestimate that last point: how good we get along with other people. If someone is selfish and unpleasant to get along with – they are unlikely to find happiness and fulfilment in life – even if they otherwise do achieve something substantial. I find that it is the people who have good personalities, who are willing to humble themselves and who make a habit of putting others first, who seem to get ahead of the rest in this life. The formation of character in the here-and-now, everyday life situations, is much more important than reaching some sort of idealistic future.

For me, my focus has gravitated from attracting specific titles, bank balances and “big ticket items” - to developing character, changing my nature: changing who I am on the inside rather than attracting something from the outside; I choose now to look within myself, rather than outside of myself for fulfilment.

It is exhausting to have to attract or claim every little thing you think you need in life – it is like having to submit a form every time you want to pay a bill, find a job, and seek a spouse or whatever. Wouldn’t it be so much better to simply attain, and maintain, the kind of disposition that cooperates with the natural flow of life and naturally attracts those things that you need in life at the right time – without having to coax and manipulate those things?

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 21

The Need for Peace of Mind

I think when it comes to money the best thing in the world you can do is to not worry about it. In fact, I would say that this concept applies to everything in life. There is a natural order and flow to life, things happen around us and good things come into our lives, oftentimes, without us even having to do anything for it, without doing anything to deserve it, without thinking about it and certainly without having to claim it or attract it.

It is for this reason why inquiry is so effective: inquiry does not seek to claim things from God or attract things from the Universe – inquiry seeks to maintain peace of mind which is our optimum state of being. When your mind is at peace, free from worry, you are better able to make good decisions and to live without all of that stuff that you think you can’t live without.

A lack of money is a classic symptom of a myriad of issues in a person’s life – all of which can be traced down to the way they think. If a person struggles financially, it could be indicative of a lack of confidence leading to unwillingness to take risks; it could point to a disorganised mind that forgets things easily and makes silly mistakes.

So when it comes to having more money – I would say that what most people really need is peace of mind, confidence, happiness, contentment, intuition, balance and good self-esteem. It seems to me that most affirmation-based systems do not encourage these things – perhaps it is because they don’t seem to “sell” very well?

With the pursuit of money, job titles and salary figures comes a staunch effort-and-reward mentality that can result in a rather bitter, competitive mindset that does nothing more than enlist you in the rat-race of life.

I am a Christian and I know all the things that put people off Christianity and I accept that. But I must say that there is an exquisite beauty in the Words of Jesus in Matthew Chapter 6:

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

²⁸ So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹ Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:26-34 nkjv

I like The Message translation, which is a modern paraphrase, of Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.” Isn’t that what happens with a lot of people? They become tied down to job description?

But don’t take my word for it – do The Work for yourself and find the truth inside of you. But I hope you can see that without inquiry you have nothing to question your most pressing wants – nothing to bring a vital balance to your mind. Without inquiry, if you are prone to anxiety, you are likely to go off on a tangent, using affirmations to get what you want - the end result of this is inevitably disappointment, frustration and a conviction that affirmations don’t work.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 20

Instead of being given pep-talks based on incredible testimonies of what happened in someone else’s life - I would much rather have been given a balanced, realistic message that encouraged me to make the most of the life circumstances that I face right now at this very moment.

The Need to Question Your Beliefs

Instead, I actively and forcefully reacted against my life circumstances in the hope of something more exciting and rewarding. I believe that it is this which is the main source of anxiety: it is the way in which we war against our life circumstances in our mind.

Thankfully, this is where through The Work of Byron Katie comes to the fore. The Work uses four questions and a “turnaround” to gently lead a person to see that the thought that they were holding onto so tightly, which is causing them so much stress, is simply not true. It is not just the thoughts of lack and defeat which can cause stress – it is also the incessant thoughts which demand that we need this or that in order to be happy, popular or secure.

Unfortunately, it is the things we cling onto in order to give us hope that we do not even consider to dare question – even though they are fuelling our anxious state. It is often these wrong desires around which we will make affirmations. A common example of this would be the desire for more money: when we make poor financial decisions and feel a sense of lack, we inevitably react with thoughts that insist we need more money. Therefore, such a person could start affirming something such as, “Money now flows to me copiously and effortlessly.”

But the people who think they need more money are often trying to compensate for something else in their life: they probably have a low self-esteem and assume they will be more popular if they have a big house, expensive car and flashy job title; perhaps such a person finds themselves in the red every month, because they spend money on things that they think will make them happy, therefore they buy things that they don’t really need, racking-up a debt on their credit cards.

Perhaps you are trying to maintain a lifestyle that you simply can’t afford? Do you think that God or the Universe is going to see to it that more money flows to you so that you can continue to live in your own little fantasy world?

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 19

Effort and Reward

I believe that there is a need to veer away from achievement, to some extent. There is a need to get away from constantly trying to merit the approval of others and to achieve great things in order to be awarded with something. This mindset of effort-and-reward can become a man-trap that imprisons you in the rat-race, with the rest of the “rats” who think the same way you do.

I wondered why I often didn’t seem to achieve anything substantial in my own life. I think one of the reasons for this could have been the anxious drive to achieve things in order to deserve something – as if something good can’t happen in my life unless I do something to earn it.

The Law of Attraction states that whatever it is you focus on – you attract. If you think about it for a moment, people who are anxiously driven to perform, do so from a mindset of lack. It is good to be motivated, but not when you feel threatened that nothing good will ever happen unless you achieve this or that – such a mindset is one of fear. It certainly can be frightening when you feel your best efforts are never good enough; that there is always someone better than yourself out there.

I would say that whilst it is good and healthy to seek to achieve good things and to maintain a good standard of performance in what you do – there is also an equal need to know that good things can happen in your life, without your intervention, without your having to deserve it.

The Law of Serendipity

You could call this concept of veering away from the law of effort and reward - the law of serendipity. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word “serendipity” means:

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Have you noticed that there are some people who just seem to be plain lucky? Such people might be good at what they do and could never be considered lazy, but at the same time, they’re not always anxiously striving to be better than everyone around them. Then there are the people who are highly competitive, they are always trying to be the best. Such people might actually maintain a high level of performance. Yet, it might be that the normal, “lucky” person seems to be happier and have a better quality of life than the high-performance person.

I have noticed that highly competitive people can often harbour a negative side to their personality. Pride is often the inevitable result of an anxious, performance-driven mindset. I’m not talking here about pride as in healthy self-esteem – I’m talking about pride as in conceitedness and disdain towards others.

Affirmations often focus on achievement to the point whereby this law of serendipity does not get even a brief consideration. Performance affirmations can become a distraction that encourages a highly competitive mindset that feels there is no such thing as “good luck” and that good things have to be deserved in life. It is for this reason that balance must be attained if affirmations are to be effective.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 18

The Law of Attraction (Continued)

If your focus is on attracting a big-ticket item, such as an expensive car, from the universe – to a great extent that out-sources a great deal of effort and responsibility to some invisible, intangible “force”. It is wonderful that this magical, mystical way of tackling life’s issues, serves to take the limits off your thinking and expectations – I respect that. But at the same time I feel that it also encourages fantasy and ridiculous expectations rather than realistic expectations. It all comes down to the concept of escapism that I related at the beginning of this series of blog entries.

It would be wonderful if we could all just close out eyes and think of all the things we would like to have, do or be – then wake-up one day to see them manifested in our lives. But it does not work like that because we are the ones who have to do something about it. Anything worth achieving in this life requires hard work, wisdom, dedication, confidence and a level-head capable of making good decisions; I would also add to this list the need to have a good personality that gets on well with others.

Self-help methods like The Law of Attraction are appealing to neurotics because they do away with the need to attain and maintain these human personality traits – the type of things that they struggle with. Instead, they invite us to change nothing about ourselves, stubbornly maintain their character flaws, kick-back and allow the “universe” to deliver its plenteous bounty on their doorstep – as if by magic.

“Magic Thinking”

Hale Dwoskin, the President of Sedona Associates which conducts training in the Sedona Method – uses an analogy in his training on goal setting to demonstrate something that he calls “Magic Thinking”. This analogy is not used to demonstrate the futility of thinking big and reaching for the impossible. This analogy is used to convey the need to put yourself in the same frame as your goals and affirmations. A person could make a goal such as, “My apartment is clean.” This seems like a plausible at first, until you ask the question of whom or what is going to clean your apartment? Do you expect some little fairies with brushes to sweep and tidy your apartment while you sleep?

This might sound ridiculous as we know that it is you who will clean the apartment (or you will pay someone else to do it for you). But the subconscious mind needs to see you in the frame, as it is by your own effort that you will reach your goal of getting the apartment clean. Therefore, a more precise and realistic goal statement would be, “I clean my apartment.”

I borrow this analogy of “Magic Thinking” in order to convey the way in which New Age methods of goal-setting and affirmations, primarily The Law of Attraction, tend to divert the focus away from the development of character, the need to commit to a course of consistent effort and good decision making – towards focusing on a fantasy lifestyle in the future.

When it comes to using affirmations and setting goals – I would be inclined to drop the New Age speak, anything which sounds magical and mystical; words such as, “universe” or “vibration”. I suppose it would be alright to use such words only if they are in the type of context that a non-spiritual person would used, such as, “I am the type of person who people resonate with – I have the kind of personality that gives off a positive vibe”. In summary, I would opt for plain language and commonsense, attainable goals.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 17

The Secret

I would say that one of the things that makes The Secret so exciting is the way that it is marketed as some special, mysterious thing that has existed for centuries, has shaped our world and has established genius and fortune – yet has remained hidden. When you hear such things, you instinctively think, “What is this secret? Tell me, please!”

The truth of the matter is that the power of the subconscious mind and the ability to use affirmations has been known and used for many years now. Dr Joseph Murphy wrote about the subconscious mind and affirmations in his classic work on this subject, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, which was first published in 1962. Even before that, Émile Coué used affirmations during the beginning of the twentieth century. So as you can see, “The Secret” is not so much a secret after all.

The Law of Attraction

The extremely popular Law of Attraction also conveys a sense of awe and excitement in that it is marketed in a spiritual wrapper. The Law of Attraction uses New Age speak to make the use of affirmations somewhat magical and mystical. There is a characteristic charm that no doubt accompanies such a focus.

I love Science Fiction – I have all three seasons of the original Star Trek on DVD. But I know that what contributes towards Science Fiction’s appeal is the fact that it is fantasy – it takes you away from your hum-drum existence into an exciting new world of make-believe.

In a similar way to Science Fiction, I believe that the Law of Attraction presents an exciting, other-worldly means of attaining whatever you want in life. Apart from the other-worldly appeal – there is also the excitement of being able to claim or attract things from the “universe”.

Personally, I am spiritual, I believe in destiny and divine purpose; I am Christian and therefore I believe in a God who involves Himself closely in our day-to-day lives – not just on important occasions.

I also believe that there is a type of law of attraction that we experience on a daily basis: I believe that people attract other people who are like them and that positive thinking people tend to attract positive experiences and vice-versa. But I cannot help but feel that there can be the tendency to exclude yourself from the picture when a spiritual, New Age wrapper is applied to goals and affirmations.

As I have said before, it is not the achievement or the material thing a person attains which determines his character, happiness, quality of life and level of success. All these things have much more to do with who you are on the inside, and therefore, your character, and ultimately, that comes down to the way you think.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 16

“Proof of Concept” Goals

I stated above that I would be reluctant to set a goal for something I don’t do already – other than a short list of things that I believe everyone should have, be or do. Bearing this in mind, what do you do if you really feel that you want to break out of your usual rhythm, your comfort zone, and try something new?

If you do have a burning desire to try something new or perhaps you are just curious – I suppose it might be worth trying it out as a proof of concept goal (or you could call it a prototype goal). A proof of concept goal would be just that: something extremely basic and simple, which probably won’t make a big different to your life, but at least provides a first step towards something greater.

With a proof of concept goal, you are “testing the water” to see if something will work, you are “trying the door” to see if at least the veritable door handle will turn. If a proof of concept goal works out, great – you can now re-evaluate the situation and consider aiming towards the next logical step. If it does not work out, never mind, at least you tried and hopefully learned from the experience. If such a goal does not work out for you, perhaps you can make some changes and try again; perhaps at that point in time you can see that goal for what it is and decide that it is no longer worth pursuing.

An example of a proof of concept goal could be making money apart from your regular salary. So perhaps you set a goal to make a piffling sum of money, such as fifty English pounds or seventy-five U.S. dollars. You could see about making this money through share dealing, for example. If you could start making progress with share dealing, you could be well on your way to becoming prosperous. But it all has to start somewhere – mighty oaks from acorns grow.

Such sums of money, like fifty English pounds or seventy-five U.S. dollars, are small-fry compared to the thousands, even millions, which some motivational gurus talk about. But at least such a sum is a realistic and attainable starting point. Remember, it is just a proof of concept – you are proving to yourself that you can do that thing, despite how trivial the end-result may be. It could be just an exercise in finding the right information, buying the right books, filling-out certain forms, etc.

I suppose you could say that I used a proof of concept goal when I started jogging about six months ago. I started out by just putting on a pair of shorts, T shirt and training shoes, then running around the block (and walking) for about fifteen minutes. In a relatively short time, I went on my first “proper” run – it was just over one and a half miles. I expanded my route to 2.3 miles. Six months later, my regular route is now 4.3 miles. Granted, my jogging route is not very long and it takes me 50 minutes to complete, which is not great, but at least it’s something and I’m improving all the time.

With a proof of concept goal, you take the stress out of it by veering away from hanging all your hopes and dreams on one particular outcome.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 15

Avoid Whims

Another pitfall to avoid when it comes to setting goals is the need to avoid whims. When an insecure person is seeking something to give meaning, purpose and significance to their life, they often latch-on to something that sounds appealing. You might hear about a friend of a friend who completed an Ironman Triathlon recently and you are awe-inspired by such an achievement.

It is indeed an awesome achievement to swim 2.4 miles (3.86 km), cycle 112 miles (180.25 km) and run a marathon (26.2 miles / 42.195 km) without pause between each event. But an Ironman Triathlon is only for elite athletes who posses an incredible level of fitness. Although many people, with the right training, could possibly work towards running a 26 mile marathon – only a small percentage of people can complete an Ironman Triathlon.

A marathon is also a tremendous achievement, but it takes a great deal of time and effort to get to that level of fitness. I would in fact say that it is not just a hobby or interest – it is a lifestyle! It may sound ridiculous, but some neurotics latch-on to the idea of doing something like a marathon, even though they don’t even go jogging every week. So if I was going to set a goal, I would be inclined to set a goal for something I already do and enjoy. I could make a long-term goal out of running a marathon; after all, I do jog already, so the concept is not completely alien to me. But I would say that it would take years for me to reach such a standard – so I’m not going to give it a great deal of thought at the moment.

I would be reluctant to set a goal for something I don’t do already. I suppose there are exceptions to this, but they are exceptional. There are not many things in life that you can safely say that everyone should do, be or have. Some examples that I can think of are having your basic needs met, such as food, water and shelter; other than that, I would also add to this list, eating healthily, exercising regularly, staying in good health, having good friends, meeting a partner who is right for you and being happy. But apart from that, I can’t think of many examples of goals that I should set outside of my current experience.

There are lots of activities I would like to engage in, such as learning to play the piano. But I’ll be honest and say that I don’t have the time and inclination to put in the effort to learn to play a musical instrument at this time. It’s not that I’m lazy and can’t be bothered – it’s just that I would rather commit my time and energy to other pursuits.

Another thing I would like to do is Fell Running. Fell Running (or Hill Running) is a race in which the gradient is a significant factor. This pursuit obviously demands a high level of fitness – stamina and strong legs for a start. Fell Running fascinates me and I’d love to do it some day. But at the moment, I am not up to the required level of fitness. I have been jogging now for about six months and my regular route is 4.3 miles long – which currently takes me 50 minutes to run. I’m no expert, but I’d say that I need to build-up my fitness level running on flat ground, before I even consider running up and down big, steep hills.

I have set a goal to run a local 10 kilometre (6.2 miles) race in May next year. That gives me about six months to train for a 10k race – which I believe is a good, legitimate goal to have. I’m not stressed about this goal, because I know it won’t make a great deal of difference to my life. I’m not even considering making a goal in relation to Fell Running at this time. Nevertheless, Fell Running could be seen as a potential, natural progression from jogging, and therefore, could be something to consider at a later time.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 14

Goal Setting - The “Stress Test”

During my brief time with setting goals and using affirmations – I can see that my efforts were focused towards achieving things that I thought would transform my life. I set goals for things like getting more money, a promotion and pay-rise, a beautiful wife or some incredible achievement.

When your goals are focused on something that you believe will change your life, something that you must have, there will typically be a great deal of stress associated with that goal. When you look to a single thing to make your life go well, if that thing does not come to pass – the more insecure you are, the more likely you will be affected by it. For a neurotic, it can feel like the end of the world if you don’t achieve or attain ‘X’, ‘Y’ or ‘Z’ within a given time-frame.

I believe it is important to be flexible and to have the kind of character and self-belief that you can be happy, succeed and prosper – despite whatever set-backs you might face. Therefore, I am reluctant now to set goals for things that I believe will change my life – things that give rise to a lot of stress.

If a desired thing does give rise to stress – don’t be afraid to question it through inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. Typically, you will need to question the belief that you can’t have a thing, as well as the belief that you must have it. I can foresee a reluctance to question your need for something that you desperately want and believe that you cannot live without. But it really comes down to the decision of whether you want the fantasy, with lots of stress, or the reality with peace. Just because you come to the realisation through inquiry that you don’t need a certain thing – it does not necessarily mean that you can’t have it. A good alternative to using The Work with goals is to use The Goal Process incorporated into The Sedona Method.

Personally, I’m reluctant now to set any kind of goal for something that causes me stress. It is that desire for control that gives rise to the stress. But I still believe that people should set simple and realistic goals for themselves – just like I have with a French qualification and exam. I don’t experience any stress with this French exam goal, because I don’t expect it to change my life. The power to change my life does not reside in what I do or have – but in who I am.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 13

Time-Bound Goals

I suppose I can be specific about taking an exam in French next year or running a 10k race. But something like meeting a partner could be rather stressful. I’m not even sure you could make that something that is time-bound: how can you guarantee that you’ll even meet someone within your specified time-frame?

I believe in God and I believe in destiny: I believe that God has a plan for everyone’s life – including meeting a partner. Not everyone believes in God – but a lot of people believe in destiny. So how can you set a specific time-frame for something like meeting a partner? I think a lot of people want to meet a partner in order to redress an imbalance in their own life, and therefore, are not yet ready to meet that special someone. Bearing this in mind – what use are your time-bound goals and affirmations directed in the area of romance, going to be?

Staying with the romance goal – what sort of action steps would you plan to take to achieve such a goal? It could be something doable – but is it relevant? You could sign-up to a dating agency or hang out in bars – but will it achieve anything significant? I believe that when it comes to something like romance, you can’t plan it and you cannot apply an attainment date – in my experience romance just happens – often when I least expect it.

I think this gives us a picture of life as a whole: there is a simple, but beautiful, flow to life. I would say that our goal with any spiritual or self-help method is to go with the flow of life, in order that life will be for us a wonderful adventure that we cannot predict, but we can trust to go well for us – whatever happens.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 12

S.M.A.R.T. Goal-Setting

There is something of a standard in place in relation to goal-setting, identified by the acronym S.M.A.R.T. – which stands for:

· Specific

· Measurable

· Attainable

· Relevant

· Time-bound

This link provides Examples of Career SMART Goals. I think each word in this acronym pretty much speaks for itself. Basically, goals have got to be something useful and realistic – not some far-fetched fantasy or something otherwise of no practical use.

Specific Goals

As someone who has tried all sorts of self-help and spiritual methods over the years – I balk at the first component of this acronym – specific. I think it is a deadly cocktail when a specific desire is mixed with a future date – the result can lead to a fixation with a future occurrence, which may or may not happen. This fixation will inevitably lead to stress in the present moment. I am taking a particularly cautious stance with this because I know the neurotic mind, having been acquainted with my own for so long.

I know the way that the anxious mind latches onto an ideal to the point of becoming totally inflexible about it – even though it is stressful. Basically, the more stressful goal is – the less assurance you have of it coming to pass and the more you are looking to it to make you happy, give you a sense of purpose and identity, etc. So I suppose it all comes down to how insecure, and therefore, anxious a person is, because they are more inclined towards fantasy than reality.

A feeling will let you know when you’re holding on too tightly to a wrong thought. It is for this reason that it is so important to question your goals using inquiry. A good alternative to using The Work with goals is to use The Goal Process incorporated into The Sedona Method.

I remember a group of single girls I knew who went on some sort of workshop. They were basically encouraged to write down specific details of their dream partner. These girls inevitably wrote down typical things such as, “Tall, dark and handsome with muscles…” I remember feeling at the time that there was something not quite right about their approach. I could write down a goal that I will meet my perfect partner next year, that she will be beautiful with blonde hair and blue eyes. But what if I meet a nice girl with short red hair and green eyes?

I think this is probably one of the biggest potential pitfalls with goals: the problem of being so specific that you become inflexible and strongly attached to a specific outcome. Someone once said that expectation is the key to disappointment.

Another negative thing about goals is that it can get your mind fixed on the future. Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling book, The Power of Now, emphasises the fact that the only real time there is – is now. As soon as we mentally conceive the past or future unnecessarily – we invite stress into our lives.

I think there is something to be said about being specific about a goal; otherwise, you could end-up never reaching it. But if you do set specific goals, make sure you are flexible about what happens in your life: be prepared for any eventuality; don’t see something unexpected as a disappointment – see it as just something experienced on the journey of life.

Using the above example, I would say that we could make a goal out of meeting a partner because it is something that every adult should have. But I would say that a better way to phrase such a goal would be, “I attract a member of the opposite sex into my life, someone who I am attracted to, someone who I get along well with, someone who respects me for who I am…” I wouldn’t even be specific about anything like figure-type or looks: you could be expecting a petite woman, but meet a lovely voluptuous lady with curves to die for – I’m sure you get the picture. When it comes to certain goals – don’t restrict yourself.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 11

Mechanical Goal-Setting

I went through a phase of goal setting when I was really quite depressed, lonely and trying to find a sense of identify and purpose. I thought that I could just create a list of things to achieve that would signify that I am going places with my life, and that would lead to my eventual happiness and sense of achievement. But what really happened was that I felt like I was mechanically doing things just for the sake of achieving something. I often felt that I was trying to force myself to do things that I thought I wanted to do; but for some reason, I didn’t really want to do those things in my heart.

I suppose what I’m trying to get at here is that you can end-up trying to make yourself do a whole bunch of fairly trivial stuff – while you are missing the most fundamental things in your life. A good example of this would be setting yourself a goal to visit some exotic place, perhaps you want to go on a safari to the Serengeti in Tanzania. You could have the time, money and equipment to go – but if you don’t have love in your heart, it could be an empty experience. Without love, you could just feel as if you are going through the motions, doing something for the sake of it.

If this is the case with you – consider what it is that you are missing in your life. Ask yourself why you are unhappy and unfulfilled and consider whether your list of goals will really fill that emptiness within. It is important to consider the motive behind every goal you set for yourself. We often feel pressured into doing things we don’t feel passionate about; because we feel that we are expected to do them. When it comes to setting goals, it is important to do what is truly in your own heart, rather than feeling pressured by other people’s expectations, fads and trends.

There are so many factors which determine inner happiness – good relationships for instance, are a vital part of a balanced, happy life. What is the point of going somewhere fascinating and exotic – if you are just going by yourself, without someone you love?

This is why it is so important to use inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. There are so many things in life that we think we want and need – it is only when we question those wants that we find the wisdom within that tells us what we really want. Even if you question a desire for something, and reach a turnaround that says you don’t need it – it does not necessarily mean that you should not, or cannot, have that thing. It is your thoughts and beliefs behind those wants that are the focus here – more than the actual things themselves.

Using inquiry, I believe, is so much more important than just setting goals and using affirmations that tell yourself that you already have those things. There could be so many issues in your life that are preventing you from being happy. One of the major culprits that blocks happiness is a bitter grudge towards someone else, or otherwise, a bad attitude towards others.

I am a firm believer in the law of sowing and reaping: if you sow love you reap love – if you sow hostility and hatred that is what will come your way. I have learned that with love it is not so much your actions that count – even a bitter, spiteful person can do the right things, but with the wrong motives. When it comes to love, I believe that it is a person’s beliefs and attitudes that matter the most. Beliefs and attitudes then give rise to desires and actions. If you have a bad attitude towards others, which is affecting your happiness – no amount of money, achievement or material goods is going to bring you the happiness you seek. But without inquiry – you might never come to the realisation of the truth that will set you free from the futility of seeking empty things that never fulfil you.

There is one good thing that can come out of mechanical goal-setting: it teaches you what is really important in life. After making a series of poor decisions and trying to reach unattainable goals - you could be left with a keen sense of the need to appreciate what you have right now, and perhaps, what you used to have in the past. The unfulfilling pursuit of goals can provide you with a heightened awareness of all those things you have taken for granted in the past, a lot of which are invisible and intangible, but very, very real: I’m talking about love.

Love plays such a big role in our lives: love lets us know how much we should invest in a particular relationship; love lets us know when a relationship is over; love gives us a healthy appreciation and sense of respect for those people who are important to us; love gives us a wonderful feeling of anticipation for a planned meeting with an old friend; love gives us a desire to do the things that are right for us at a particular time. Without love, life becomes bland, unfulfilling and confusing.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 10

The Real Prize in Goal-Setting

I believe that there is a positive side to goal-setting, which I have experienced recently.

For about ten years now I have been interested in learning another language. I love the French language so I have been trying to learn that. French is probably the easiest language for me to learn because sixty percent of English comes from French. For the past ten years I have been listening to a couple of CD box sets of French language learning. These CDs require no writing, and therefore, are convenient to listen to while sitting on a train, etc. After an enthusiastic start I kind of wavered in my efforts somewhat over the years. But I have recently picked-up my efforts again.

I have been wondering where I stand now in terms of ability, because I haven’t been doing a course, with other students, doing tests and working towards a nationally recognised qualification. I suppose it is this lack of focus, the absence of a goal, which has caused me to drift somewhat when it comes to my language learning efforts. If I knew that I was working towards some kind of exam – I would find out the curriculum and focus on studying with that in mind.

Recently, I did some investigation on the internet to see what the best qualification would be for me. I decided on doing an IGCSE in French – I would have to book the exam soon as an external candidate at a college. Then, I could work towards studying for the exam in May or June next year. If I passed this exam, I would have a nationally recognised qualification in the French language that would “benchmark” my current level of ability.

While I was investigating this qualification, I had all sorts of doubts in my head. There don’t seem to be many colleges in the U.K. who welcome external candidates (exam only students). It would cost about 180 pounds to register for the exam – I wondered if it was really worth the money. But then it dawned on me that it is not just the qualification that I gain from this endeavour – it is the sense of achievement in committing to doing something and seeing it through. There is something gained in committing to something in terms of determination, willpower and dedication – I suppose that is the real prize in goal-setting.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 9

The Illusion of Control

Probably the greatest appeal of affirmations and goal-setting is the illusion of control. There is something positively enticing about the feeling of being in complete control over your life. I know what it is like to be a neurotic, to anxiously crave control over your life. I know what it is like to be confused, disorganised, for seemingly everything to go wrong and to want some degree of control over what does or does not happen in your life. But little do people realise that it is quite often this desire for control over our lives which compounds anxiety and makes it worse.

There is something wonderfully liberating to cease from your efforts to control every little aspect of your life and just allow life to unfold naturally in its own time. But I understand why anxiety sufferers struggle with this notion: it is frustrating when you forget things on a consistent basis, when nothing ever seems to go the way you want it, when you always seem to be confused and disorganised and when you always seem to be late for appointments. But I think it is important to get to the underlying symptoms which are causing these issues, rather than trying to gain absolute conscious control over your life.

Even if a person possess a good, solid, confident character and they are well organised – it does not mean that they have complete conscious control over their life, that bad things won’t happen to them, that they always get things right and they will always on time for appointments. We all make mistakes in life and learning to live free from anxiety requires that we accept ourselves just as we are and allow ourselves to make mistakes.

Goal setting can be seen as a way of regaining conscious control over your life: you could identify an area of your life that needs changing or something that you desire, and then you just set a goal and achieve it. But life is hardly ever that simple and straightforward. I do believe in goal setting to an extent, but more than anything I believe in allowing life to unfold as it does and being able to cope with whatever eventuality that life throws at you.

I believe in simple and realistic goal setting, but I do not believe in attempts to gain perfect conscious control over your life. Rather than seeking to control your life, I would be inclined towards making efforts to improve organisation skills, memory, concentration and self-discipline. When you read or hear affirmations which state that you are in control of your life, I would be inclined to see these as being more in line with the list of attributes I mentioned previously, rather than meaning that you can simply direct every minute detail of your life.

Rather than attempting to control my life through the attainment of some future-based goal – I tend nowadays to focus my attention towards the attainment of peace of mind and contentment in the present moment; as well as developing a solidness of character which constitutes confidence, self-esteem, self-discipline and common sense. Whilst I struggle to accept the notion of complete conscious control over ones life – I am inclined to believe that a person’s life can be directed towards success, prosperity and fulfilment through positive thinking, sensible goal setting and actively embracing reality.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 8

The Misnomer of Goal-Setting (Continued)

I suppose people look to some sort of achievement in order to prove something to themselves and others. There’s a famous Bible verse, James 2:20 that says, “Faith without works is dead.” This verse has been used for years to intimidate Christians into doing all sorts of benevolent acts in, or through, the church. The idea is that if you had faith then you would do this or that. This puts a guilt-trip on church members to use their own effort to do things they wouldn’t normally be inclined to do. What I have witnessed time and again is the fact that a person can behave a certain way; perhaps perform acts of charity – despite lacking the sort of character that is conducive to such acts. You could say that some people do all the right things, but for the wrong reasons.

One of the analogies that I’ve read in various self-help books is that of the mind of a positive, prosperous, successful and healthy person being swapped with that of a negative, poor, unsuccessful and unhealthy poor person. It would only be a matter of time before the life of the positive person would become run down, everything that he work hard to build, such as relationships, wealth and a thriving business – would deteriorate.

Conversely, the life of the negative person would inevitably turnaround – his relationships would improve and he would attract new people; his finances would also improve as he starts to make good investments and becomes more frugal; his health would also improve as he cuts down on his unhealthy indulgences and makes an effort to keep himself in shape.

This is all hypothetical of course, even if the technology was present to perform such a mind-transplant, there’s no guarantee of precisely what the effect would be. But at least this gives a rather compelling portrait of what could happen and demonstrates the point that it is indeed the mind that governs the condition of a person’s life – not the other way around.

So having said all of this, I would say that a person’s focus should shift from attracting big-ticket items and large sums of money – to the development of positivity and character. You can’t wait until you have or do this or that until you will be happy – life starts right now – the quality of that life depends on how you think. There’s not always a lot we can do about our present circumstances – despite what the self-help gurus tell us. But you can do something about your beliefs, attitudes and feelings – right where you are in life now. It is your beliefs and attitudes that determine whether things will go well for you or not in the future; it is your beliefs and attitudes that determine whether you will be happy and make the most of things or if you will be miserable and give up.