The Need for Inquiry – Part 2

I have been using inquiry through The Work of Byron Katie for almost three years now. I am amazed at the way in which inquiry seems to work for me every time, in that by the time I reach the turnaround, I experience a release from stress and the knowledge of the truth (whether or not I really wanted to hear that truth before I started asking the four questions). The only times that inquiry has not worked are when I have been drinking alcohol or when I’m very tired – but that is what you would expect anyway.

Inquiry – the Ultimate in Self-Realisation

I am convinced that inquiry is the ultimate method for establishing a conscious awareness of the truth from within. It is this awareness of the truth which can change a person’s beliefs, attitudes, and desires and ultimately their actions and behaviour – it all starts with what we think and believe. Who would have thought that our very own anxious thoughts provide us with everything we need in order to know our own mind and thoughts intimately and to find our own way out of the complex web of lies in which we have been caught-up in for so many years of our lives? You could say that inquiry is the ultimate in self-realisation.

Platitudes

For decades, self-help and spiritual gurus have written scores of books which tell people who they should think, feel, and behave in certain situations. All of this teaching has been well intended, but most of it doesn’t work. The reason for this is that a lot of it operates on the basis of giving a person a platitude and expecting them to do something with it. Such platitudes could include telling people to not get angry when someone provokes them or to do something nice for someone you love.

Changing Beliefs

What we believe establishes our attitude, which determines our feelings or desires, which in turn give rise to our actions or behaviour. So if you want to change your life, you need to change your beliefs.

It was around 1994 when I first read the book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy. This book changed my perspective towards my mind and my life when I first read it. It made so much sense to me that I had a conscious mind and a subconscious mind; our feelings and behaviour is governed largely by the beliefs we hold in our subconscious mind; and the beliefs we have in our conscious mind and subconscious mind can become significantly out of synch. This explained to me why I would find myself habitually doing the things I didn’t want to do, whilst struggling to do the things I wanted to do.

For many years now affirmations have been seen as the main way to change the beliefs we have in the subconscious mind. I remember when I first started to use affirmations about fifteen years ago. I got off to an enthusiastic start but then my efforts seem to wane. Like any other new habit such as eating healthily or keeping fit, I would go in predictable cycles of making a spurt of effort, putting it off to another day, before then forgetting about it until a few weeks or months later. I can’t honestly say that during that time I saw any significant change to my life.

Word of Faith

I eventually gave up on affirmations and self-help as I became more engrossed in Christianity. During the early "noughties" I became rather obsessive about Christian Word of Faith (also known by its critics as “Name it and Claim it”), particularly the teaching of Kenneth E. Hagin. Word of Faith is like a Christian equivalent of The Secret and The Law of Attraction. The whole idea behind W.O.F. is that if it is written in the Bible – you can have it. So if someone from ancient times middle-east was blessed by God with lavish wealth – you can have it too because it is written in the Bible. Obviously this system is abusive, misleading and does not work. I eventually started coming out of W.O.F. after about five years.

The Need for Inquiry – Part 1

I have been using releasing for three years now and inquiry for two and a half years. During this time I have come to see releasing as an effective, instantaneous, on-the-spot stress reliever; it is more than that actually in that it also provides a means of straightening-out my beliefs and attitudes, by showing me the degree to which the core wants play a part in my thinking. But I would say that it was the use of inquiry through The Work of Byron Katie, which provided me with the most effective way of questioning my beliefs that I had ever experienced. That is not to say that The Work is necessarily better than The Sedona Method – I am simply stating my own preferences and experiences, whilst keeping an open mind.

The Familiar Human Condition

I have found that when I use inquiry the same issues arise a lot of the time. Not every session of inquiry is the same and I often encounter something new that I didn’t know before; which is one of the reasons why inquiry is so amazing. Nevertheless, it seems that no matter what belief I seem to question, whether it is being stuck in a traffic jam or I am reading about the economic situation in the newspaper – inquiry seems to get me into that place deep within me that seems to be the source of all the dysfunction in my life. Despite our cultural and religious differences, it seems that human beings are very much the same in the way they think and react to certain situations. Psychology has sought to make an exact science out of this the way in which the mind behaves in lawful and predictable ways.

Byron Katie has remarked in the past on the way in which she has found that no matter where she takes The Work in the world – the same beliefs arise time and again. A couple could be in a war torn country with bombs and bullets flying everywhere, but the same beliefs express themselves: my husband should love me more; my wife shouldn’t nag so much and so on. So it seems that there is some benefit in hearing other people doing The Work – even people with from different countries with different socio-economic backgrounds.

So it seems that there is something of a common theme behind all the underlying dysfunction in the mind of man which seems to create so much stress and turmoil in life. It is this predictability that has caused self-help and spiritual gurus to establish so-called cure-all formulas for this common human dilemma. But of course, we all know that despite the incredible popularity, fame and fortune these gurus attain – a lot of people find that their methods simply do not work.

The Need to Inquire Within

I think one of the reasons why these self-help and spiritual principles and formulas do not work, is because there is a need to take responsibility for your own life, be allowed to make mistakes (and learn from them), develop and mature in your own time and to see what works (and doesn’t work) for yourself. What I like about The Work is that it is not a set of principles and formulas that you must follow in order to be happy and successful: The Work is more like a framework within which you ask yourself questions and tune-in to that part of you that has the answers and knows what’s best for you – rather than looking to some guru to tell you what you should or should not do.

Inquiry is gentle, patient and kind – inquiry does not make demands and push unreasonable expectations on yourself. Inquiry accepts where you are in life right now, it doesn’t make excuses, but rather, accepts responsibility for who you are and where you are and seeks freedom from stressful thoughts. It is in this freedom that you are able to make the decisions that are the best for you in this moment.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 22

Focus on the Here and Now

What some people tend to forget is that it takes more than focusing on a desired end result in order for a desired goal to manifest itself: it is all about what goes on between now and the final destination; it is all about the journey we take, the decisions we make along the way, our willpower, confidence, patience and determination; how good we are at making decisions; being open minded enough to spot good opportunities; and how good we get along with other people.

Let us not underestimate that last point: how good we get along with other people. If someone is selfish and unpleasant to get along with – they are unlikely to find happiness and fulfilment in life – even if they otherwise do achieve something substantial. I find that it is the people who have good personalities, who are willing to humble themselves and who make a habit of putting others first, who seem to get ahead of the rest in this life. The formation of character in the here-and-now, everyday life situations, is much more important than reaching some sort of idealistic future.

For me, my focus has gravitated from attracting specific titles, bank balances and “big ticket items” - to developing character, changing my nature: changing who I am on the inside rather than attracting something from the outside; I choose now to look within myself, rather than outside of myself for fulfilment.

It is exhausting to have to attract or claim every little thing you think you need in life – it is like having to submit a form every time you want to pay a bill, find a job, and seek a spouse or whatever. Wouldn’t it be so much better to simply attain, and maintain, the kind of disposition that cooperates with the natural flow of life and naturally attracts those things that you need in life at the right time – without having to coax and manipulate those things?

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 21

The Need for Peace of Mind

I think when it comes to money the best thing in the world you can do is to not worry about it. In fact, I would say that this concept applies to everything in life. There is a natural order and flow to life, things happen around us and good things come into our lives, oftentimes, without us even having to do anything for it, without doing anything to deserve it, without thinking about it and certainly without having to claim it or attract it.

It is for this reason why inquiry is so effective: inquiry does not seek to claim things from God or attract things from the Universe – inquiry seeks to maintain peace of mind which is our optimum state of being. When your mind is at peace, free from worry, you are better able to make good decisions and to live without all of that stuff that you think you can’t live without.

A lack of money is a classic symptom of a myriad of issues in a person’s life – all of which can be traced down to the way they think. If a person struggles financially, it could be indicative of a lack of confidence leading to unwillingness to take risks; it could point to a disorganised mind that forgets things easily and makes silly mistakes.

So when it comes to having more money – I would say that what most people really need is peace of mind, confidence, happiness, contentment, intuition, balance and good self-esteem. It seems to me that most affirmation-based systems do not encourage these things – perhaps it is because they don’t seem to “sell” very well?

With the pursuit of money, job titles and salary figures comes a staunch effort-and-reward mentality that can result in a rather bitter, competitive mindset that does nothing more than enlist you in the rat-race of life.

I am a Christian and I know all the things that put people off Christianity and I accept that. But I must say that there is an exquisite beauty in the Words of Jesus in Matthew Chapter 6:

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

²⁸ So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹ Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:26-34 nkjv

I like The Message translation, which is a modern paraphrase, of Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.” Isn’t that what happens with a lot of people? They become tied down to job description?

But don’t take my word for it – do The Work for yourself and find the truth inside of you. But I hope you can see that without inquiry you have nothing to question your most pressing wants – nothing to bring a vital balance to your mind. Without inquiry, if you are prone to anxiety, you are likely to go off on a tangent, using affirmations to get what you want - the end result of this is inevitably disappointment, frustration and a conviction that affirmations don’t work.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 20

Instead of being given pep-talks based on incredible testimonies of what happened in someone else’s life - I would much rather have been given a balanced, realistic message that encouraged me to make the most of the life circumstances that I face right now at this very moment.

The Need to Question Your Beliefs

Instead, I actively and forcefully reacted against my life circumstances in the hope of something more exciting and rewarding. I believe that it is this which is the main source of anxiety: it is the way in which we war against our life circumstances in our mind.

Thankfully, this is where through The Work of Byron Katie comes to the fore. The Work uses four questions and a “turnaround” to gently lead a person to see that the thought that they were holding onto so tightly, which is causing them so much stress, is simply not true. It is not just the thoughts of lack and defeat which can cause stress – it is also the incessant thoughts which demand that we need this or that in order to be happy, popular or secure.

Unfortunately, it is the things we cling onto in order to give us hope that we do not even consider to dare question – even though they are fuelling our anxious state. It is often these wrong desires around which we will make affirmations. A common example of this would be the desire for more money: when we make poor financial decisions and feel a sense of lack, we inevitably react with thoughts that insist we need more money. Therefore, such a person could start affirming something such as, “Money now flows to me copiously and effortlessly.”

But the people who think they need more money are often trying to compensate for something else in their life: they probably have a low self-esteem and assume they will be more popular if they have a big house, expensive car and flashy job title; perhaps such a person finds themselves in the red every month, because they spend money on things that they think will make them happy, therefore they buy things that they don’t really need, racking-up a debt on their credit cards.

Perhaps you are trying to maintain a lifestyle that you simply can’t afford? Do you think that God or the Universe is going to see to it that more money flows to you so that you can continue to live in your own little fantasy world?

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 19

Effort and Reward

I believe that there is a need to veer away from achievement, to some extent. There is a need to get away from constantly trying to merit the approval of others and to achieve great things in order to be awarded with something. This mindset of effort-and-reward can become a man-trap that imprisons you in the rat-race, with the rest of the “rats” who think the same way you do.

I wondered why I often didn’t seem to achieve anything substantial in my own life. I think one of the reasons for this could have been the anxious drive to achieve things in order to deserve something – as if something good can’t happen in my life unless I do something to earn it.

The Law of Attraction states that whatever it is you focus on – you attract. If you think about it for a moment, people who are anxiously driven to perform, do so from a mindset of lack. It is good to be motivated, but not when you feel threatened that nothing good will ever happen unless you achieve this or that – such a mindset is one of fear. It certainly can be frightening when you feel your best efforts are never good enough; that there is always someone better than yourself out there.

I would say that whilst it is good and healthy to seek to achieve good things and to maintain a good standard of performance in what you do – there is also an equal need to know that good things can happen in your life, without your intervention, without your having to deserve it.

The Law of Serendipity

You could call this concept of veering away from the law of effort and reward - the law of serendipity. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word “serendipity” means:

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Have you noticed that there are some people who just seem to be plain lucky? Such people might be good at what they do and could never be considered lazy, but at the same time, they’re not always anxiously striving to be better than everyone around them. Then there are the people who are highly competitive, they are always trying to be the best. Such people might actually maintain a high level of performance. Yet, it might be that the normal, “lucky” person seems to be happier and have a better quality of life than the high-performance person.

I have noticed that highly competitive people can often harbour a negative side to their personality. Pride is often the inevitable result of an anxious, performance-driven mindset. I’m not talking here about pride as in healthy self-esteem – I’m talking about pride as in conceitedness and disdain towards others.

Affirmations often focus on achievement to the point whereby this law of serendipity does not get even a brief consideration. Performance affirmations can become a distraction that encourages a highly competitive mindset that feels there is no such thing as “good luck” and that good things have to be deserved in life. It is for this reason that balance must be attained if affirmations are to be effective.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 18

The Law of Attraction (Continued)

If your focus is on attracting a big-ticket item, such as an expensive car, from the universe – to a great extent that out-sources a great deal of effort and responsibility to some invisible, intangible “force”. It is wonderful that this magical, mystical way of tackling life’s issues, serves to take the limits off your thinking and expectations – I respect that. But at the same time I feel that it also encourages fantasy and ridiculous expectations rather than realistic expectations. It all comes down to the concept of escapism that I related at the beginning of this series of blog entries.

It would be wonderful if we could all just close out eyes and think of all the things we would like to have, do or be – then wake-up one day to see them manifested in our lives. But it does not work like that because we are the ones who have to do something about it. Anything worth achieving in this life requires hard work, wisdom, dedication, confidence and a level-head capable of making good decisions; I would also add to this list the need to have a good personality that gets on well with others.

Self-help methods like The Law of Attraction are appealing to neurotics because they do away with the need to attain and maintain these human personality traits – the type of things that they struggle with. Instead, they invite us to change nothing about ourselves, stubbornly maintain their character flaws, kick-back and allow the “universe” to deliver its plenteous bounty on their doorstep – as if by magic.

“Magic Thinking”

Hale Dwoskin, the President of Sedona Associates which conducts training in the Sedona Method – uses an analogy in his training on goal setting to demonstrate something that he calls “Magic Thinking”. This analogy is not used to demonstrate the futility of thinking big and reaching for the impossible. This analogy is used to convey the need to put yourself in the same frame as your goals and affirmations. A person could make a goal such as, “My apartment is clean.” This seems like a plausible at first, until you ask the question of whom or what is going to clean your apartment? Do you expect some little fairies with brushes to sweep and tidy your apartment while you sleep?

This might sound ridiculous as we know that it is you who will clean the apartment (or you will pay someone else to do it for you). But the subconscious mind needs to see you in the frame, as it is by your own effort that you will reach your goal of getting the apartment clean. Therefore, a more precise and realistic goal statement would be, “I clean my apartment.”

I borrow this analogy of “Magic Thinking” in order to convey the way in which New Age methods of goal-setting and affirmations, primarily The Law of Attraction, tend to divert the focus away from the development of character, the need to commit to a course of consistent effort and good decision making – towards focusing on a fantasy lifestyle in the future.

When it comes to using affirmations and setting goals – I would be inclined to drop the New Age speak, anything which sounds magical and mystical; words such as, “universe” or “vibration”. I suppose it would be alright to use such words only if they are in the type of context that a non-spiritual person would used, such as, “I am the type of person who people resonate with – I have the kind of personality that gives off a positive vibe”. In summary, I would opt for plain language and commonsense, attainable goals.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 17

The Secret

I would say that one of the things that makes The Secret so exciting is the way that it is marketed as some special, mysterious thing that has existed for centuries, has shaped our world and has established genius and fortune – yet has remained hidden. When you hear such things, you instinctively think, “What is this secret? Tell me, please!”

The truth of the matter is that the power of the subconscious mind and the ability to use affirmations has been known and used for many years now. Dr Joseph Murphy wrote about the subconscious mind and affirmations in his classic work on this subject, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, which was first published in 1962. Even before that, Émile Coué used affirmations during the beginning of the twentieth century. So as you can see, “The Secret” is not so much a secret after all.

The Law of Attraction

The extremely popular Law of Attraction also conveys a sense of awe and excitement in that it is marketed in a spiritual wrapper. The Law of Attraction uses New Age speak to make the use of affirmations somewhat magical and mystical. There is a characteristic charm that no doubt accompanies such a focus.

I love Science Fiction – I have all three seasons of the original Star Trek on DVD. But I know that what contributes towards Science Fiction’s appeal is the fact that it is fantasy – it takes you away from your hum-drum existence into an exciting new world of make-believe.

In a similar way to Science Fiction, I believe that the Law of Attraction presents an exciting, other-worldly means of attaining whatever you want in life. Apart from the other-worldly appeal – there is also the excitement of being able to claim or attract things from the “universe”.

Personally, I am spiritual, I believe in destiny and divine purpose; I am Christian and therefore I believe in a God who involves Himself closely in our day-to-day lives – not just on important occasions.

I also believe that there is a type of law of attraction that we experience on a daily basis: I believe that people attract other people who are like them and that positive thinking people tend to attract positive experiences and vice-versa. But I cannot help but feel that there can be the tendency to exclude yourself from the picture when a spiritual, New Age wrapper is applied to goals and affirmations.

As I have said before, it is not the achievement or the material thing a person attains which determines his character, happiness, quality of life and level of success. All these things have much more to do with who you are on the inside, and therefore, your character, and ultimately, that comes down to the way you think.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 16

“Proof of Concept” Goals

I stated above that I would be reluctant to set a goal for something I don’t do already – other than a short list of things that I believe everyone should have, be or do. Bearing this in mind, what do you do if you really feel that you want to break out of your usual rhythm, your comfort zone, and try something new?

If you do have a burning desire to try something new or perhaps you are just curious – I suppose it might be worth trying it out as a proof of concept goal (or you could call it a prototype goal). A proof of concept goal would be just that: something extremely basic and simple, which probably won’t make a big different to your life, but at least provides a first step towards something greater.

With a proof of concept goal, you are “testing the water” to see if something will work, you are “trying the door” to see if at least the veritable door handle will turn. If a proof of concept goal works out, great – you can now re-evaluate the situation and consider aiming towards the next logical step. If it does not work out, never mind, at least you tried and hopefully learned from the experience. If such a goal does not work out for you, perhaps you can make some changes and try again; perhaps at that point in time you can see that goal for what it is and decide that it is no longer worth pursuing.

An example of a proof of concept goal could be making money apart from your regular salary. So perhaps you set a goal to make a piffling sum of money, such as fifty English pounds or seventy-five U.S. dollars. You could see about making this money through share dealing, for example. If you could start making progress with share dealing, you could be well on your way to becoming prosperous. But it all has to start somewhere – mighty oaks from acorns grow.

Such sums of money, like fifty English pounds or seventy-five U.S. dollars, are small-fry compared to the thousands, even millions, which some motivational gurus talk about. But at least such a sum is a realistic and attainable starting point. Remember, it is just a proof of concept – you are proving to yourself that you can do that thing, despite how trivial the end-result may be. It could be just an exercise in finding the right information, buying the right books, filling-out certain forms, etc.

I suppose you could say that I used a proof of concept goal when I started jogging about six months ago. I started out by just putting on a pair of shorts, T shirt and training shoes, then running around the block (and walking) for about fifteen minutes. In a relatively short time, I went on my first “proper” run – it was just over one and a half miles. I expanded my route to 2.3 miles. Six months later, my regular route is now 4.3 miles. Granted, my jogging route is not very long and it takes me 50 minutes to complete, which is not great, but at least it’s something and I’m improving all the time.

With a proof of concept goal, you take the stress out of it by veering away from hanging all your hopes and dreams on one particular outcome.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 15

Avoid Whims

Another pitfall to avoid when it comes to setting goals is the need to avoid whims. When an insecure person is seeking something to give meaning, purpose and significance to their life, they often latch-on to something that sounds appealing. You might hear about a friend of a friend who completed an Ironman Triathlon recently and you are awe-inspired by such an achievement.

It is indeed an awesome achievement to swim 2.4 miles (3.86 km), cycle 112 miles (180.25 km) and run a marathon (26.2 miles / 42.195 km) without pause between each event. But an Ironman Triathlon is only for elite athletes who posses an incredible level of fitness. Although many people, with the right training, could possibly work towards running a 26 mile marathon – only a small percentage of people can complete an Ironman Triathlon.

A marathon is also a tremendous achievement, but it takes a great deal of time and effort to get to that level of fitness. I would in fact say that it is not just a hobby or interest – it is a lifestyle! It may sound ridiculous, but some neurotics latch-on to the idea of doing something like a marathon, even though they don’t even go jogging every week. So if I was going to set a goal, I would be inclined to set a goal for something I already do and enjoy. I could make a long-term goal out of running a marathon; after all, I do jog already, so the concept is not completely alien to me. But I would say that it would take years for me to reach such a standard – so I’m not going to give it a great deal of thought at the moment.

I would be reluctant to set a goal for something I don’t do already. I suppose there are exceptions to this, but they are exceptional. There are not many things in life that you can safely say that everyone should do, be or have. Some examples that I can think of are having your basic needs met, such as food, water and shelter; other than that, I would also add to this list, eating healthily, exercising regularly, staying in good health, having good friends, meeting a partner who is right for you and being happy. But apart from that, I can’t think of many examples of goals that I should set outside of my current experience.

There are lots of activities I would like to engage in, such as learning to play the piano. But I’ll be honest and say that I don’t have the time and inclination to put in the effort to learn to play a musical instrument at this time. It’s not that I’m lazy and can’t be bothered – it’s just that I would rather commit my time and energy to other pursuits.

Another thing I would like to do is Fell Running. Fell Running (or Hill Running) is a race in which the gradient is a significant factor. This pursuit obviously demands a high level of fitness – stamina and strong legs for a start. Fell Running fascinates me and I’d love to do it some day. But at the moment, I am not up to the required level of fitness. I have been jogging now for about six months and my regular route is 4.3 miles long – which currently takes me 50 minutes to run. I’m no expert, but I’d say that I need to build-up my fitness level running on flat ground, before I even consider running up and down big, steep hills.

I have set a goal to run a local 10 kilometre (6.2 miles) race in May next year. That gives me about six months to train for a 10k race – which I believe is a good, legitimate goal to have. I’m not stressed about this goal, because I know it won’t make a great deal of difference to my life. I’m not even considering making a goal in relation to Fell Running at this time. Nevertheless, Fell Running could be seen as a potential, natural progression from jogging, and therefore, could be something to consider at a later time.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 14

Goal Setting - The “Stress Test”

During my brief time with setting goals and using affirmations – I can see that my efforts were focused towards achieving things that I thought would transform my life. I set goals for things like getting more money, a promotion and pay-rise, a beautiful wife or some incredible achievement.

When your goals are focused on something that you believe will change your life, something that you must have, there will typically be a great deal of stress associated with that goal. When you look to a single thing to make your life go well, if that thing does not come to pass – the more insecure you are, the more likely you will be affected by it. For a neurotic, it can feel like the end of the world if you don’t achieve or attain ‘X’, ‘Y’ or ‘Z’ within a given time-frame.

I believe it is important to be flexible and to have the kind of character and self-belief that you can be happy, succeed and prosper – despite whatever set-backs you might face. Therefore, I am reluctant now to set goals for things that I believe will change my life – things that give rise to a lot of stress.

If a desired thing does give rise to stress – don’t be afraid to question it through inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. Typically, you will need to question the belief that you can’t have a thing, as well as the belief that you must have it. I can foresee a reluctance to question your need for something that you desperately want and believe that you cannot live without. But it really comes down to the decision of whether you want the fantasy, with lots of stress, or the reality with peace. Just because you come to the realisation through inquiry that you don’t need a certain thing – it does not necessarily mean that you can’t have it. A good alternative to using The Work with goals is to use The Goal Process incorporated into The Sedona Method.

Personally, I’m reluctant now to set any kind of goal for something that causes me stress. It is that desire for control that gives rise to the stress. But I still believe that people should set simple and realistic goals for themselves – just like I have with a French qualification and exam. I don’t experience any stress with this French exam goal, because I don’t expect it to change my life. The power to change my life does not reside in what I do or have – but in who I am.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 13

Time-Bound Goals

I suppose I can be specific about taking an exam in French next year or running a 10k race. But something like meeting a partner could be rather stressful. I’m not even sure you could make that something that is time-bound: how can you guarantee that you’ll even meet someone within your specified time-frame?

I believe in God and I believe in destiny: I believe that God has a plan for everyone’s life – including meeting a partner. Not everyone believes in God – but a lot of people believe in destiny. So how can you set a specific time-frame for something like meeting a partner? I think a lot of people want to meet a partner in order to redress an imbalance in their own life, and therefore, are not yet ready to meet that special someone. Bearing this in mind – what use are your time-bound goals and affirmations directed in the area of romance, going to be?

Staying with the romance goal – what sort of action steps would you plan to take to achieve such a goal? It could be something doable – but is it relevant? You could sign-up to a dating agency or hang out in bars – but will it achieve anything significant? I believe that when it comes to something like romance, you can’t plan it and you cannot apply an attainment date – in my experience romance just happens – often when I least expect it.

I think this gives us a picture of life as a whole: there is a simple, but beautiful, flow to life. I would say that our goal with any spiritual or self-help method is to go with the flow of life, in order that life will be for us a wonderful adventure that we cannot predict, but we can trust to go well for us – whatever happens.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 12

S.M.A.R.T. Goal-Setting

There is something of a standard in place in relation to goal-setting, identified by the acronym S.M.A.R.T. – which stands for:

· Specific

· Measurable

· Attainable

· Relevant

· Time-bound

This link provides Examples of Career SMART Goals. I think each word in this acronym pretty much speaks for itself. Basically, goals have got to be something useful and realistic – not some far-fetched fantasy or something otherwise of no practical use.

Specific Goals

As someone who has tried all sorts of self-help and spiritual methods over the years – I balk at the first component of this acronym – specific. I think it is a deadly cocktail when a specific desire is mixed with a future date – the result can lead to a fixation with a future occurrence, which may or may not happen. This fixation will inevitably lead to stress in the present moment. I am taking a particularly cautious stance with this because I know the neurotic mind, having been acquainted with my own for so long.

I know the way that the anxious mind latches onto an ideal to the point of becoming totally inflexible about it – even though it is stressful. Basically, the more stressful goal is – the less assurance you have of it coming to pass and the more you are looking to it to make you happy, give you a sense of purpose and identity, etc. So I suppose it all comes down to how insecure, and therefore, anxious a person is, because they are more inclined towards fantasy than reality.

A feeling will let you know when you’re holding on too tightly to a wrong thought. It is for this reason that it is so important to question your goals using inquiry. A good alternative to using The Work with goals is to use The Goal Process incorporated into The Sedona Method.

I remember a group of single girls I knew who went on some sort of workshop. They were basically encouraged to write down specific details of their dream partner. These girls inevitably wrote down typical things such as, “Tall, dark and handsome with muscles…” I remember feeling at the time that there was something not quite right about their approach. I could write down a goal that I will meet my perfect partner next year, that she will be beautiful with blonde hair and blue eyes. But what if I meet a nice girl with short red hair and green eyes?

I think this is probably one of the biggest potential pitfalls with goals: the problem of being so specific that you become inflexible and strongly attached to a specific outcome. Someone once said that expectation is the key to disappointment.

Another negative thing about goals is that it can get your mind fixed on the future. Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling book, The Power of Now, emphasises the fact that the only real time there is – is now. As soon as we mentally conceive the past or future unnecessarily – we invite stress into our lives.

I think there is something to be said about being specific about a goal; otherwise, you could end-up never reaching it. But if you do set specific goals, make sure you are flexible about what happens in your life: be prepared for any eventuality; don’t see something unexpected as a disappointment – see it as just something experienced on the journey of life.

Using the above example, I would say that we could make a goal out of meeting a partner because it is something that every adult should have. But I would say that a better way to phrase such a goal would be, “I attract a member of the opposite sex into my life, someone who I am attracted to, someone who I get along well with, someone who respects me for who I am…” I wouldn’t even be specific about anything like figure-type or looks: you could be expecting a petite woman, but meet a lovely voluptuous lady with curves to die for – I’m sure you get the picture. When it comes to certain goals – don’t restrict yourself.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 11

Mechanical Goal-Setting

I went through a phase of goal setting when I was really quite depressed, lonely and trying to find a sense of identify and purpose. I thought that I could just create a list of things to achieve that would signify that I am going places with my life, and that would lead to my eventual happiness and sense of achievement. But what really happened was that I felt like I was mechanically doing things just for the sake of achieving something. I often felt that I was trying to force myself to do things that I thought I wanted to do; but for some reason, I didn’t really want to do those things in my heart.

I suppose what I’m trying to get at here is that you can end-up trying to make yourself do a whole bunch of fairly trivial stuff – while you are missing the most fundamental things in your life. A good example of this would be setting yourself a goal to visit some exotic place, perhaps you want to go on a safari to the Serengeti in Tanzania. You could have the time, money and equipment to go – but if you don’t have love in your heart, it could be an empty experience. Without love, you could just feel as if you are going through the motions, doing something for the sake of it.

If this is the case with you – consider what it is that you are missing in your life. Ask yourself why you are unhappy and unfulfilled and consider whether your list of goals will really fill that emptiness within. It is important to consider the motive behind every goal you set for yourself. We often feel pressured into doing things we don’t feel passionate about; because we feel that we are expected to do them. When it comes to setting goals, it is important to do what is truly in your own heart, rather than feeling pressured by other people’s expectations, fads and trends.

There are so many factors which determine inner happiness – good relationships for instance, are a vital part of a balanced, happy life. What is the point of going somewhere fascinating and exotic – if you are just going by yourself, without someone you love?

This is why it is so important to use inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. There are so many things in life that we think we want and need – it is only when we question those wants that we find the wisdom within that tells us what we really want. Even if you question a desire for something, and reach a turnaround that says you don’t need it – it does not necessarily mean that you should not, or cannot, have that thing. It is your thoughts and beliefs behind those wants that are the focus here – more than the actual things themselves.

Using inquiry, I believe, is so much more important than just setting goals and using affirmations that tell yourself that you already have those things. There could be so many issues in your life that are preventing you from being happy. One of the major culprits that blocks happiness is a bitter grudge towards someone else, or otherwise, a bad attitude towards others.

I am a firm believer in the law of sowing and reaping: if you sow love you reap love – if you sow hostility and hatred that is what will come your way. I have learned that with love it is not so much your actions that count – even a bitter, spiteful person can do the right things, but with the wrong motives. When it comes to love, I believe that it is a person’s beliefs and attitudes that matter the most. Beliefs and attitudes then give rise to desires and actions. If you have a bad attitude towards others, which is affecting your happiness – no amount of money, achievement or material goods is going to bring you the happiness you seek. But without inquiry – you might never come to the realisation of the truth that will set you free from the futility of seeking empty things that never fulfil you.

There is one good thing that can come out of mechanical goal-setting: it teaches you what is really important in life. After making a series of poor decisions and trying to reach unattainable goals - you could be left with a keen sense of the need to appreciate what you have right now, and perhaps, what you used to have in the past. The unfulfilling pursuit of goals can provide you with a heightened awareness of all those things you have taken for granted in the past, a lot of which are invisible and intangible, but very, very real: I’m talking about love.

Love plays such a big role in our lives: love lets us know how much we should invest in a particular relationship; love lets us know when a relationship is over; love gives us a healthy appreciation and sense of respect for those people who are important to us; love gives us a wonderful feeling of anticipation for a planned meeting with an old friend; love gives us a desire to do the things that are right for us at a particular time. Without love, life becomes bland, unfulfilling and confusing.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 10

The Real Prize in Goal-Setting

I believe that there is a positive side to goal-setting, which I have experienced recently.

For about ten years now I have been interested in learning another language. I love the French language so I have been trying to learn that. French is probably the easiest language for me to learn because sixty percent of English comes from French. For the past ten years I have been listening to a couple of CD box sets of French language learning. These CDs require no writing, and therefore, are convenient to listen to while sitting on a train, etc. After an enthusiastic start I kind of wavered in my efforts somewhat over the years. But I have recently picked-up my efforts again.

I have been wondering where I stand now in terms of ability, because I haven’t been doing a course, with other students, doing tests and working towards a nationally recognised qualification. I suppose it is this lack of focus, the absence of a goal, which has caused me to drift somewhat when it comes to my language learning efforts. If I knew that I was working towards some kind of exam – I would find out the curriculum and focus on studying with that in mind.

Recently, I did some investigation on the internet to see what the best qualification would be for me. I decided on doing an IGCSE in French – I would have to book the exam soon as an external candidate at a college. Then, I could work towards studying for the exam in May or June next year. If I passed this exam, I would have a nationally recognised qualification in the French language that would “benchmark” my current level of ability.

While I was investigating this qualification, I had all sorts of doubts in my head. There don’t seem to be many colleges in the U.K. who welcome external candidates (exam only students). It would cost about 180 pounds to register for the exam – I wondered if it was really worth the money. But then it dawned on me that it is not just the qualification that I gain from this endeavour – it is the sense of achievement in committing to doing something and seeing it through. There is something gained in committing to something in terms of determination, willpower and dedication – I suppose that is the real prize in goal-setting.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 9

The Illusion of Control

Probably the greatest appeal of affirmations and goal-setting is the illusion of control. There is something positively enticing about the feeling of being in complete control over your life. I know what it is like to be a neurotic, to anxiously crave control over your life. I know what it is like to be confused, disorganised, for seemingly everything to go wrong and to want some degree of control over what does or does not happen in your life. But little do people realise that it is quite often this desire for control over our lives which compounds anxiety and makes it worse.

There is something wonderfully liberating to cease from your efforts to control every little aspect of your life and just allow life to unfold naturally in its own time. But I understand why anxiety sufferers struggle with this notion: it is frustrating when you forget things on a consistent basis, when nothing ever seems to go the way you want it, when you always seem to be confused and disorganised and when you always seem to be late for appointments. But I think it is important to get to the underlying symptoms which are causing these issues, rather than trying to gain absolute conscious control over your life.

Even if a person possess a good, solid, confident character and they are well organised – it does not mean that they have complete conscious control over their life, that bad things won’t happen to them, that they always get things right and they will always on time for appointments. We all make mistakes in life and learning to live free from anxiety requires that we accept ourselves just as we are and allow ourselves to make mistakes.

Goal setting can be seen as a way of regaining conscious control over your life: you could identify an area of your life that needs changing or something that you desire, and then you just set a goal and achieve it. But life is hardly ever that simple and straightforward. I do believe in goal setting to an extent, but more than anything I believe in allowing life to unfold as it does and being able to cope with whatever eventuality that life throws at you.

I believe in simple and realistic goal setting, but I do not believe in attempts to gain perfect conscious control over your life. Rather than seeking to control your life, I would be inclined towards making efforts to improve organisation skills, memory, concentration and self-discipline. When you read or hear affirmations which state that you are in control of your life, I would be inclined to see these as being more in line with the list of attributes I mentioned previously, rather than meaning that you can simply direct every minute detail of your life.

Rather than attempting to control my life through the attainment of some future-based goal – I tend nowadays to focus my attention towards the attainment of peace of mind and contentment in the present moment; as well as developing a solidness of character which constitutes confidence, self-esteem, self-discipline and common sense. Whilst I struggle to accept the notion of complete conscious control over ones life – I am inclined to believe that a person’s life can be directed towards success, prosperity and fulfilment through positive thinking, sensible goal setting and actively embracing reality.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 8

The Misnomer of Goal-Setting (Continued)

I suppose people look to some sort of achievement in order to prove something to themselves and others. There’s a famous Bible verse, James 2:20 that says, “Faith without works is dead.” This verse has been used for years to intimidate Christians into doing all sorts of benevolent acts in, or through, the church. The idea is that if you had faith then you would do this or that. This puts a guilt-trip on church members to use their own effort to do things they wouldn’t normally be inclined to do. What I have witnessed time and again is the fact that a person can behave a certain way; perhaps perform acts of charity – despite lacking the sort of character that is conducive to such acts. You could say that some people do all the right things, but for the wrong reasons.

One of the analogies that I’ve read in various self-help books is that of the mind of a positive, prosperous, successful and healthy person being swapped with that of a negative, poor, unsuccessful and unhealthy poor person. It would only be a matter of time before the life of the positive person would become run down, everything that he work hard to build, such as relationships, wealth and a thriving business – would deteriorate.

Conversely, the life of the negative person would inevitably turnaround – his relationships would improve and he would attract new people; his finances would also improve as he starts to make good investments and becomes more frugal; his health would also improve as he cuts down on his unhealthy indulgences and makes an effort to keep himself in shape.

This is all hypothetical of course, even if the technology was present to perform such a mind-transplant, there’s no guarantee of precisely what the effect would be. But at least this gives a rather compelling portrait of what could happen and demonstrates the point that it is indeed the mind that governs the condition of a person’s life – not the other way around.

So having said all of this, I would say that a person’s focus should shift from attracting big-ticket items and large sums of money – to the development of positivity and character. You can’t wait until you have or do this or that until you will be happy – life starts right now – the quality of that life depends on how you think. There’s not always a lot we can do about our present circumstances – despite what the self-help gurus tell us. But you can do something about your beliefs, attitudes and feelings – right where you are in life now. It is your beliefs and attitudes that determine whether things will go well for you or not in the future; it is your beliefs and attitudes that determine whether you will be happy and make the most of things or if you will be miserable and give up.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 7

The Misnomer of Goal-Setting

It is a common misconception to look at something you could have, be or do as meaning that you have attained some level of achievement – that you have overcome some sort of limitation or bugbear in your life. It’s as if that landmark achievement is attributed meaning that it simply does not deserve.

Typically, a person might look to a promotion and pay-rise to mean that all their financial woes are now over with; or a person might somehow look to the attainment of a certain material thing, such as an expensive house and car, to mean that they have what it takes to be successful in life.

Basically, we can look at other people, their possessions, relationships, achievements and titles as representing some sort of level of prowess, quality or ability that we desire to possess. It is true that in order for a person to attain a certain status or level of ability, they do indeed need to maintain a certain level of confidence, intelligence and ability.

But I’m inclined to believe that we often attribute more to these things than they deserve. After all, a neighbour might own your dream car, seem to have an ideal marriage, have a great job and own all the latest gadgets. But little do you know that that family could be heavily in debt, the man might be on the brink of redundancy, the couple could be arguing behind closed doors and be considering divorce – you really don’t know. We have heard people say time and again that money doesn’t make you happy – it is true – you could have a high salary figure and bank balance, yet be taking medication for depression.

Even if a person wins the lottery or inherits a substantial amount of money from a wealthy relative – it does not do a lot to change who they are on the inside. If you win the lottery and you lack confidence and self-esteem – guess what? You are highly likely to lack confidence and self-esteem even when you receive your prize. If you have an unpleasant, abrasive personality and struggle to get along with others – you will more than likely be exactly the same even if a rich relative dies and names you as the main beneficiary of the estate.

It’s as if you look to that fantastic achievement to mean that you are okay now and that good things will happen to you – which simply might not be the case. Many of the things that people desire in life require hard work, determination, wisdom, ability, inspiration and confidence; there is also likely to be a need to get along well with others, to be kind, considerate, warm, and friendly and to be a good communicator. These are the kind of qualities that everyone should aspire to.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 6

“Amazing” and “Brilliant”

If a person lacks solidness of character and soundness of judgement, they might be inclined to think that they have to be brilliant at something and achieve something amazing. I don’t think there is ever a need for most people to do anything that could be considered amazing, or to be brilliant at something. For one thing, define “brilliant” and define “amazing” – they are just words and they represent standards which we enforce on ourselves and others.

Affirmations can be used to tell yourself that you achieve something amazing and that you are brilliant at this or that. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, which lead to frustration and a sense of failure.

“Good” and “Effective”

I think the key words here are good and effective: I believe that there is only ever a need to be good and effective in everything that you do. If you think about it for a moment, all you are ever expected to do in all circumstances of your life, is to be good and effective. This could apply to your job, relationships, hobbies – in fact, anything whatsoever!

If you are good and effective at something – the sky is the limit! You might find that as you prove your trustworthiness and capability in your current responsibilities – you are given increasingly more responsibility. Eventually, after some time, you might find that you have been promoted up the corporate ladder. After some time of being good and effective at what you do – you could find that what you are good and effective at now, is a lot more than what you were good and effective at a few years ago.

This situation reminds me of Byron Katie’s common response to the belief that we need more money. Katie often responds with, “How can you have more money that you already have?” She’s got a point – if you think about it. Similarly, how can you be better at doing a certain thing than you already are? Constantly telling yourself that you need to be better, or brilliant, at this or that will get you hoping for something you can never attain at that moment. Such thinking is a recipe for anxiety.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 5

Misconceptions about Relationships (Continued)

What commonly happens is that when a person falls in love with a member of the opposite sex, they assume that it is the presence of the other person which has brought peace and joy into their life. The truth of the matter is that the other person had very little to do with bringing that experience of love to them – that love is something that they experienced inside them self. The other person might have been a catalyst for the experience of love, but certainly not the cause. This misconception brings a lot of confusion and causes some people to obsess over another person who they love, or have loved in the past; they believe that it is the other person who was responsible for giving them that love. Most pop songs are written along this theme of seeing the person you love as being the source of your happiness.

I believe that the more positive-minded and secure a person is, the more they are likely to discover love within themselves – independently of other people. So when people such as this enter into a romantic relationship – they are not overly dependant on the other person and they don’t look to the other person as being their source of happiness.

In the case of a negative-minded, insecure person, they are likely to look to the person they love as being the source of their identity, peace and joy. This leads to an unhealthy dependence and devotion to the other person, which might be flattering at first, but soon becomes annoying. So when their partner is not around, the insecure person will feel insecure, sad, isolated and confused.

As I said before, positive-minded secure people tend to be happier, more outgoing, get along better with other people, make better decisions and even attract more positive circumstances. Therefore, it often becomes a major goal in the life of the neurotic to somehow get one of these positive people into their life. The idea is that the stronger partner will help to uplift and encourage the weaker one; after some time, this positivity might “rub-off” onto the negative partner.

But what could also happen is that the negativity of the weaker partner starts to “rub-off” on the stronger one, who then starts to feel the strain of the relationship. The weaker partner becomes a hindrance to the stronger one, becoming needy and always fishing for compliments; shying away from making decisions and looking to the more level-headed partner to make all the decisions. The sheer selfishness, laziness, messiness and disorganisation of the weaker partner just becomes more than the stronger partner can bear.

There are many confident women who might give the impression that their ideal partner is a man they can dominate – but I believe that all women, regardless of how confident they are and how much they crave control, desire a confident man who will naturally take the lead in the relationship.

Attracting a partner into your life has a lot to do with self-esteem as well. It seems to be a common assumption that the more good looking your partner is, the more he or she will delight you and the more respect you will earn from other people. There is often a concern that an average looking partner would not stimulate you and would eventually bore you. But we need to consider the fact that love is not just skin-deep and that it is chiefly the personality of a person which engages your mind and senses and keeps you attracted to a person.

There seems to be a stigma attached to being single, once you have reached a certain point in early adulthood. The negative mind can derive all sorts of negative beliefs from prolonged single hood: you are not good enough, you are unattractive, and nobody likes you and so on. Again, these are all issues which find their root in a low self-esteem. I feel that in order to enjoy any kind of relationship – it is essential to first develop self-esteem. Otherwise, you might find that your relationships are a struggle. I think that many first or second marriages are nothing more than preparation for the proper, long-term relationship that awaits them.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 4

Misconceptions about Relationships

In his book, Mastering Your Emotions, Colin Dye points out that the core human wants are security, significance and self-worth; the most common ways that people try to fulfil these wants are through people, power and possessions.

It is common amongst neurotics to look to other people to make them feel secure, happy and loved. Human beings have been created to enjoy relationships with one another – there is no getting away from that. But we can only expect to get out of relationships, what we are able to bring to them. It goes without saying that if you are selfish and looking to other people to validate you and make a fuss about you – you are not going to be all that popular. But if you look to what you can bring to a relationship and you are able to make the effort to bring joy, sincerity and encouragement to others – you will enjoy relationships and will be popular.

From my own experience of being neurotic, I know what it is like when anxiety holds you in its grasp: it is difficult to not be self-absorbed when you are desperately trying to figure things out and reacting badly to negative circumstances. There is a direct link with the way we think and the circumstances we attract in our lives: if you are positive-minded, you tend to attract positive circumstances, whilst if you are negative-minded you tend to attract negative circumstances. It is this natural law upon which the Law of Attraction and positive thinking is based.

If a person finds that negative things tend to happen in their lives, or they have a lack of good things happening to them, they inevitably and instinctively, attempt to figure things out. Anxiety is the result of frantically trying to figure out what is happening in your life, why bad things always seem to happen, why good things never seem to happen and what you can do to attract good things and avoid the bad. This incessant worrying arises from the subconscious mind into the conscious mind, and therefore, is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to consciously control.

This explains one of the reasons why anxiety sufferers struggle in relationships: their mind is so focused on themselves that they are unable to focus for very long on the people in their life. This self-absorption consumes a lot of time and energy, which saps a person and contributes towards feelings of depression. The lacklustre personality of a depressed person is not conducive towards establishing good, strong, effective relationships.

The term “selfish” and “self-centred” is often reserved as an accusation: a tern that is used to prompt a person to change their ways through intimidation. But if we forget about the accusatory context for the moment - “selfish” and “self-centred” perfectly describe anxious, insecure people who are absorbed in trying to figure things out and control their lives.

Unfortunately, the human mind is cunning and devious, it will use all sorts of subtle and elaborate tactics to protect itself – these are called self-defence mechanisms. One of these self-defence mechanisms is projection, whereby you accuse the other person of the very issue you have yourself. For example, a self-centred person could accuse their partner of being selfish – when it is that person making the accusation who is selfish.

This form of deception is something that arises time and again during sessions of The Work. This is why it is important to use inquiry in the area of relationships, before using affirmations to attract friends and a lover into your life.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 3

Obsessing Over Fantasies

I have found from my observation of others and from my own introspection, that the more insecure a person is, the more fixated they become on specific expectations; it is these specific expectations which they believe will be the thing that will define their life. Insecure people say, “I’ll be happy when”, or, “I’ll be happy if.” “If” and “when” in this context might never, ever happen! You really do need to be able to enjoy life right now – regardless of your life circumstances.

This does not mean that nothing good will ever happen to you or that you need to be stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of your life. No, what I’m talking about here is the need for the right focus. If your focus is on having a positive attitude and doing the best you can where you are now – I believe that your future will be bright and your life will eventually steer towards something good. But I think we can get stuck when we anxiously try to control our circumstances and divert our attention from the job at hand to some desired future.

You could convince yourself that you’ll only be happy when you get married – but there are loads of miserable married couples all over the world. You could convince yourself that you will only be happy when you are rich – but there are rich people in the world who are so depressed they are contemplating suicide!

There seems to be an attribute of fear that seems to lead to narrowness of mind. Fear can have the effect of giving a person “tunnel vision”: where they only see the circumstances in front of them which seem to threaten their security and peace of mind. When people thus become “blinkered” by fear – they often fail to see and appreciate the wonderful opportunities that are around them; they fail to see the “light at the end of the tunnel”.

Anxious people latch onto things that they believe will make their life wonderful. It is for this reason that the amazing anecdotes that motivation speakers, self-help gurus and evangelists tell their followers – are not always helpful. The more fixated a person becomes; the less flexible they are to the changes occurring around them. Then, if something happens that they don’t expect or want – they can feel as if their life is falling apart (when it isn’t).

Rather than seeking some landmark event which you feel will signify the turnaround point of your life – you need to start making the most of where you are in life here and now. I cannot help but feel that what is more important than focusing on some external thing to make you feel secure and happy – is the formation of positive beliefs, finding happiness and confidence within yourself. I would rather develop solidness of character than work towards ushering in some incredible, landmark event.

Even if some marvellous, one-off thing occurs in your life, such as winning the lottery – would you have the wisdom, maturity, peace of mind and happiness in order to really make the most of your life from that moment on?

A positive mind and solidness of character is the best thing you could ever have in the world. When you have that winning personality, you tend to attract good people in your life; you tend to make good decisions that lead to positive experiences. Otherwise, you might find yourself reacting badly to the poor decisions that you make, thereby making even more poor decisions as you try in vain to escape the negative experiences that poor decisions in the past have landed you in.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 2

For me, like many other people, I am tempted to feel that affirmations are a total waste of time and effort. The reasons for me taking this stance is because of the manipulation behind it all – the unrealistic promises that were used as a marketing tool to get me to buy those people’s teaching materials.

Removing Limitations

I do, however, understand the good purpose in giving people incredible testimonies of how people overcame seemingly impossible odds in order to achieve something wonderful. I think there is a need to take away the limitations people set on themselves and other people. There is a need to get away from setting boundaries on our field of expectation. We need to get away from thinking, “Well, I can do this but I can’t do that.” There is a need to stop this futile practice of imposing limitations upon ourselves. Heart-warming stories of incredible perseverance and bravery do have the effect of broadening our horizons and making the obstacles in front of us transform from mountains into molehills.

But I also feel there is a need for balance. It is all well and good to hear a tale about how someone walked across the Gobi desert or swam the English Channel – but how do these incredible stories stack-up against your own, average life?

I would say that most people just need to find unconditional love, peace and joy from within; they need to be able to make the most of their relationships; people need to put in the time and effort to maintain a good level of physical health and fitness; there is a need to maintain fulfilling hobbies and interests.

Rather than seeking to do some way-out, incredible, one-off achievement – wouldn’t it be infinitely better to just become a better “you” in the everyday things that you face in your life right now? I don’t know about you, but I can’t see where walking the Gobi desert or swimming the English Channel really fits into that frame.

The more solid a character you are, content in what you have, the happier you will be, the more effective you will be in relationships, and the better life will go for you in general. Just by having a good character, there is no guarantee that you will avoid negative circumstances, but I think that a good character and positive belief system will prepare you for anything that life will throw at you and make you more able to overcome those challenges; also, the more positive and true your belief system is, the more likely you are to avoid the poor decisions that typically lead to unwanted, negative circumstances.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 1

Affirmations don’t work because they do not get to the underlying causes of a person’s neurosis.

Advocates of The Sedona Method and The Work seem to both acknowledge that it is not a good idea to layer positive thoughts on top of negative ones. It is better to actually pay attention to the anxious thoughts with a view to letting them go through The Sedona Method or questioning them through The Work. In fact, it is this discovery that often leads a person to either one of these two self-help methods; it is almost as if affirmations serve as an introduction to The Sedona Method or The Work.

Escapism and Unrealistic Expectations

Now that I look back on affirmations with hindsight I can see that I tried to use them as a form of escapism: I tried to create a perfect future by controlling my thoughts about it in the present. This seems to be a common trend amongst self-help gurus, who encourage their followers to envisage a perfect self in a perfect future, were there will be no more problems, only happiness and nice things. I think this is one of the ways in which you can know that you are off course in your use of affirmations. Any system that emphasises the destination more than the journey will definitely get you off-track.

I think visualisation is even worse because it encourages neurotics to fantasise about things in their mind. I am flabbergasted that these self-help and spiritual gurus who are trusted by thousands of people all over the world, make absolutely no allowance whatsoever for the neurotic mindset. Surely, they must be aware that there will be people with serious mental and emotional issues who are more than likely to go off on a tangent with their teaching?

The thing that makes such teaching so misleading is the way that they always seem to use totally extreme, out of the ordinary anecdotes to get their message across. People are told that they can perform miracles, they can do the impossible and they can be rich beyond their wildest dreams. What people don’t realise is that the likelihood is that they aren’t ever going to live the millionaire playboy lifestyle they fantasise about – they are much more likely to live in an average house, with an average looking partner, doing an average nine-to-five job.

It seems to me that the more insecure a person is the more frustrated, disappointed and anxious they will be. “Everyday life” is like a swear-word to these people – it seems to be too disappointing or difficult for them to cope with. Therefore, they are prone to creating some sort of elaborate fantasy to escape from it all. I don’t mind the concept of making the most of life and being good and effective at what you do, or even being successful and prosperous. But I take issue with the way in which self-help and spiritual gurus actively encourage fantasy amongst vulnerable neurotics who need professional help: they need balance and the right kind of encouragement more than they need to be told they can become outrageously wealthy – if they follow a certain set of steps.

I’m not speaking from mere speculation here – I have been in that position as an anxiety sufferer myself, so I know what it is like. It took me many years of frustration, disappointment and empty promises to finally come out of that mental and emotional condition and finally get my feet on solid ground. You see, that is the inevitable conclusion in the pursuit of unrealistic expectations: eventually, after years of putting lots of time and effort into this kind of stuff, you will end-up feeling defeated, depressed and deceived.