Misconceptions about Relationships (Continued)
What commonly happens is that when a person falls in love with a member of the opposite sex, they assume that it is the presence of the other person which has brought peace and joy into their life. The truth of the matter is that the other person had very little to do with bringing that experience of love to them – that love is something that they experienced inside them self. The other person might have been a catalyst for the experience of love, but certainly not the cause. This misconception brings a lot of confusion and causes some people to obsess over another person who they love, or have loved in the past; they believe that it is the other person who was responsible for giving them that love. Most pop songs are written along this theme of seeing the person you love as being the source of your happiness.
I believe that the more positive-minded and secure a person is, the more they are likely to discover love within themselves – independently of other people. So when people such as this enter into a romantic relationship – they are not overly dependant on the other person and they don’t look to the other person as being their source of happiness.
In the case of a negative-minded, insecure person, they are likely to look to the person they love as being the source of their identity, peace and joy. This leads to an unhealthy dependence and devotion to the other person, which might be flattering at first, but soon becomes annoying. So when their partner is not around, the insecure person will feel insecure, sad, isolated and confused.
As I said before, positive-minded secure people tend to be happier, more outgoing, get along better with other people, make better decisions and even attract more positive circumstances. Therefore, it often becomes a major goal in the life of the neurotic to somehow get one of these positive people into their life. The idea is that the stronger partner will help to uplift and encourage the weaker one; after some time, this positivity might “rub-off” onto the negative partner.
But what could also happen is that the negativity of the weaker partner starts to “rub-off” on the stronger one, who then starts to feel the strain of the relationship. The weaker partner becomes a hindrance to the stronger one, becoming needy and always fishing for compliments; shying away from making decisions and looking to the more level-headed partner to make all the decisions. The sheer selfishness, laziness, messiness and disorganisation of the weaker partner just becomes more than the stronger partner can bear.
There are many confident women who might give the impression that their ideal partner is a man they can dominate – but I believe that all women, regardless of how confident they are and how much they crave control, desire a confident man who will naturally take the lead in the relationship.
Attracting a partner into your life has a lot to do with self-esteem as well. It seems to be a common assumption that the more good looking your partner is, the more he or she will delight you and the more respect you will earn from other people. There is often a concern that an average looking partner would not stimulate you and would eventually bore you. But we need to consider the fact that love is not just skin-deep and that it is chiefly the personality of a person which engages your mind and senses and keeps you attracted to a person.
There seems to be a stigma attached to being single, once you have reached a certain point in early adulthood. The negative mind can derive all sorts of negative beliefs from prolonged single hood: you are not good enough, you are unattractive, and nobody likes you and so on. Again, these are all issues which find their root in a low self-esteem. I feel that in order to enjoy any kind of relationship – it is essential to first develop self-esteem. Otherwise, you might find that your relationships are a struggle. I think that many first or second marriages are nothing more than preparation for the proper, long-term relationship that awaits them.
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