The Sedona Method identifies wanting to love as an aspect of wanting approval. (See the section Letting Go of the Four Basic Wants in the book The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin). When a person wants to love, they feel as if they cannot give enough; they become more focused on other people than themselves to the point of being self abdicating. This drive to want to love others may seem unselfish, but in actual fact, it usually comes from a want to receive the approval of other people.
A lot of the people who come to Christianity are looking for some sort of way out of their own difficult situations which have been created by their own unmet needs and unhealed hurts. There is often a drive in the church to be compassionate towards other people, to be giving, loving and to do nice things for others. This drive to be a good person is often spurred on by a want for the approval of other people and the approval of God. The idea is that if a person is kind to others and does something nice for them then they deserve the appreciation of those people and from God Himself.
The Bible encourages people to be selfless and to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of helping others. But this can make kindness into yet another rule, which hurting and needy Christians feel obligated to fulfil. Some Christians are even deluded into thinking that they have to make an effort to be kind to others and to do a works in order to maintain their salvation. Therefore, some Christians are forced into trying to act kind under the threat of eternal damnation. Nothing could be further from the truth.
When a person has genuine love in their heart, it becomes a natural expression for them to be kind and compassionate towards others. When a person does not have love in their heart, they will feel rejected, empty, unfulfilled, and perhaps even abused. A sense of rejection, separation and unfulfilment is certainly not a good foundation for kindness and charity.
Furthermore, without genuine love people’s efforts to be nice to others will be nothing more than an act. Our motive for doing good works has got to be genuine: it must be motivated out of the love of God in our hearts. Wanting to love can throw a person open to abuse as they strive continually to do things for others with the aim of alleviating their own guilt and getting some sort of response of appreciation from the people they serve. Wanting to love can cause a person to allow other people to control, manipulate and abuse them. It is true that love is long-suffering in that it accepts ill-treatment from others and accepts their faults. Genuine long-suffering will prevent a person from being hurt by the selfishness of other people.
Whereas a person who is wanting to love and give approval to other people, and does not have the power of long-suffering, will be motivated to expose themselves to people and situations that will cause them to add to their own sense of hurt and a “victim mentality”. This abusive cycle can continue until a person simply cannot take any more, and they've just collapse under the weight of their own guilt and hurt.
Some Christians can actually be the deluded into thinking that this is what love is meant to be. In the absence of knowing what true love is Christians can erroneously believe that they are keeping the single commandment of the New Testament - when all along they are just following their own selfish motives as well as being misled and abused.
The pressure to do good works in the church can be so great that it causes a person to misdirect the focus from receiving the love that God has for them, to just putting on an act. When such people do get abused by other people, they legitimise it by quoting verses of Scripture, such as the following:
12 Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.
2 Timothy 3:12 nkjv
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
James 1:2-3 nkjv
42 And whoever gives one of these little ones only a cup of cold water in the name of a disciple, assuredly, I say to you, he shall by no means lose his reward."
Matthew 10:42 nkvj
25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
John 12:25 nkjv
In the absence of the approval of others and genuine joy, a Christian can easily get caught up in a martyr mentality whereby they see their suffering, misery and struggle as being a positive thing; they believe that God will reward them in heaven for their “service” to Him amidst their suffering and the persecution of others. This persecution can be in the form of threats of physical violence (especially in non-Christian countries) to just subtle rejection and gentle teasing. Little do they know, their persecution is probably the direct result of their wanting approval. If they did not strive so much for the approval of other people, they would know and experience God’s love for them, thereby feeling whole and accepted – without having to run around doing things for other people so much.
Remember, holding onto the want for something often seems a positive way of getting your needs met. But in actual fact, holding onto a want keeps that want in place, wards off fulfilment and sends out a message of lack. If a person holds onto a want – they will typically find that they attract the opposite of what they want. If a person wants approval – they will attract those people and circumstances that reinforce that sense of disapproval and the need to get more approval. It becomes a vicious cycle whereby a person believes that he cannot do enough for other people. Eventually, it will lead to burn-out, guilt and resentment.
Prominent Bible teachers are now becoming more aware of the want for approval amongst Christians and the drive to gain approval through performance. Quite notably, Joyce Meyer has written an excellent book on the subject called Approval Addiction which made it onto the New York Times Best Seller list. Byron Katie, the founder of The Work, also has an excellent book on the subject called I Need Your Love – Is It True?
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