I have found that in my own life, the want for control manifests itself in two distinct ways. Firstly, there is the want to try to figure things out. Secondly, there is a want to change things. I have found the major component of my anxiety comes down to the want for control, in that I'm trying to figure out things for myself. When I try to figure things out I'm trying to work out why things have happened the way that they have, why I have made the decisions that I have, why so-and-so said such and such a thing to me and so on.
It is often difficult to let go of this want to try to figure things out because the fear is that if we don't make an effort to try to figure things out then we will never ever be able to change our circumstances. So really, the want of trying to figure things out is about trying to change your circumstances.
Wanting Control and Blaming Others
Whenever an anxious person feels that life is not going the way he wants, he tends not to look to himself to take responsibility for the situation and ultimately change who he is and change the way that we see the situation – if he does, it tends to be in a negative way that heaps guilt on himself. Anxious people tend to opt for trying to change other people and trying to change external circumstances. This brings us into a great deal of anxiety because we find that we are not able to change other people's will and we are not able to change external circumstances.
Anger has a lot of power in it and it makes us feel strong. But in actual fact, anger arises from a sense of powerlessness because we feel that someone somewhere is to blame for our unhappiness and that our life would be better if they thought the way we did. A sense of powerlessness in relation to anything outside a person’s will, such as so-called “acts of God”, earthquakes and the like, brings despair more than anger. However, those people who believe in God may tend to direct anger towards God for such things, because they believe that he could have changed His will.
Goals - The Source of Anxiety
In his book, Mastering Your Emotions, Pastor Colin Dye identifies the source of anxiety in our lives:
- Fear is the result of an uncertain goal.
- Anger is the result of a blocked goal.
- Depression is the result of an unattainable goal.
So when we experience anxiety, we have a want - a desire for something. The AGFLAP-CAP chart of emotions gives us an indication of what that want might actually be by identifying the accompanying emotions - whether we are seeking a goal that is uncertain, unattainable or blocked.
Trying to Figure Things Out
I have found that what has often caused me to remain in an anxious state is that it sometimes appears to me that I am actually thinking or saying something wise and useful. But in actual fact, the ratio of good and useful thoughts to those thoughts which are not useful and even harmful is probably a ratio of about one to twenty – at a guess.
In fact, I would say really that when I'm in a state of anxiety, the useful thoughts that I have are probably from zero to five percent. When I am trying to figure things out for myself and I’m getting anxious, I am often aware that probably about a third of what I think and say appears to be positive at the time, but in actual fact, it is mostly all negative. When a person is angry, for instance, they often feel justified in that angry state, with the belief that their anger is achieving something useful and that the target of that anger actually deserves every negative thing that you have to say about him, her or it. Such directed anger does little to change or hurt the other person – it hurts the person being angry more than anything.
Emotions Conducive to Wisdom
When I look at the AGFLAP chart, I find the emotional state that I need to be in so that I can have the wisdom that I need – this is courageousness, acceptance or peace. Some of the synonymous for courageousness are resourceful, positive, decisive, dynamic and aware. Some of the synonymous for acceptance are understanding and intuitive.
I believe that wisdom is at the core of our being and therefore it is impossible for us to relinquish wisdom. But what often happens is that we end-up covering the wisdom that is part of our true essence; with the whole lot of junk in terms of anxious thoughts which are just a fearful response to what our five senses tell us is true.
Seeking Wisdom like Panning for Gold
So when were looking for wisdom, it's more like panning for gold: what we need to be able to do is just sift through all the mud, rocks and rubbish. The more we pan for gold, the more we clear away what we don't need so that we can better see, and get to, the stuff we do need, the stuff that is actually of value to us. This is what happens when we release when we are anxious, especially when we release on wanting control.
Releasing is like panning for gold in that we are filtering out our own misinterpretations of a situation so we can better see the wisdom that lies beneath all the junk - the thoughts that obscure our intuition. In order to facilitate this filtering of our own thoughts, we need to be able to let go of wanting control in the form of wanting to figure things for ourselves and wanting to change things.
AGFLAP and Confusion
Our level of intuition is reflected in the AGFLAP-CAP chart in that if a person is in a state of AGFLAP then it is very unlikely that they will be able to draw upon their intuition, so that they can know the truth and so that the can act upon that truth.
Courageousness is that condition whereby a person has the confidence, ability and the dynamism in order to act resourcefully in a situation. Fortunately, with that spontaneity and dynamism to act in a situation, comes clarity of thought and vision.
So we have to come to the realisation that if we are in a state of AGFLAP, then it becomes very difficult for us to act positively. If a person is in AGFLAP there is basically not very much that they can do in order to change their life and their situation. So instead of seeking to change other people and wish circumstances were different than they are – it is better to actually change ourselves by changing the way that we perceive the situation - then we can better act in that situation.
Releasing as a Way to Wisdom and Peace
The great thing about releasing is that you don't need to know all the facts about the situation - you just need to be willing to release. All that you need to in order to release is to be aware of your feelings, thoughts and spoken words. If you are feeling anxious then you should think about what want or wants need to be released and release them.
If you are in a state of AGFLAP then it is likely that you want to control the way you feel and wanting to change your circumstances - this should be your queue to release. Holding on to the want for control is a decision to suffer and it simply keeps us in a state of confusion and frustration that is likely to perpetuate the circumstances that made us anxious in the first place. Letting go of the core wants, including the want for control, enables a person to become more calm, confident, positive, focused, decisive and resourceful.
There are times when we actually let go of the want for control in the form of wanting to figure things out and the solution to our problem does not come to us straight away. It can be very discouraging when this kind of thing happens because it makes us feel inadequate and perhaps that God has rejected us and that we need to try to solve the problem ourselves.
A major part of the Christian life is surrender to God and this includes being willing to let go of wanting to do things our way and in our timing. We have to trust in God's ways and His timing, knowing that His ways are not our ways. We must acknowledge the fact that it might not be the right time for God to move in that situation and that the only thing we can really do it to wait. But if we allow ourselves to get anxious during such times, it will only make matters worse for us and will only prolong our struggle and suffering.
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