I just recently wrote some entries in my Christian blog The Divine Nature which I feel provide a summary of my Christian journey so far:
Grace Origins…How It All Started
Grace Elements…Righteousness and No-condemnation
Grace Elements… Unionist Teaching
Grace Elements… Free Believers / Anti-I.C.
I have been led into what is known as the “grace message”, which is basically Christianity without the rules. This grace message seeks to get back to what Christianity was meant to be - the way it was before man-made religion took over and made it into the restrictive moral code that we see today.
My lifelong struggle with depression and anxiety has been the catalyst that has driven me in a quest for answers. This quest for answers has taken me through many mainstream avenues of self-help and Christianity. There have been the highs and the lows, but on the whole, I must be honest and say that it has been rather disappointing. What peaked in a profound encounter with God in October 1998 seems to have twisting, turning road with many pitfalls and dead ends.
But I am so glad that none of those concepts I was pursuing, worked for me, if they had, I would had stopped right there. If I would have found peace during my religious, Christian rule keeping phase – I would have stuck with that; that would have been an awful thing because I would have been proud and judgemental towards those “heathens” and “sinners” that I felt where not obeying God.
I remember attending the annual New Age fair in London when I first moved to the area – this would have been around 1995 to 1997. I saw some wacky things there! I remember believing that certain gemstones and crystal had certain special properties that I would experience if I wore them. I remember buying a sachet of yellow dye, a “colour bath”, which I could add to bathwater and bathe in it to make me more intelligent – because it would attract a particular energy. If you are reading this and you are into New Age, I don’t mean to make fun of your beliefs – but I have experience a lot of it and I can honestly say in hindsight that most of it is wacky and impractical.
All I was really looking for was something that brought me peace of mind and a sense of purpose. It seemed to me that at every stage in my spiritual journey, there were always those people who seemed to have it all together: people, who seemed to know it all, were confident and seemed to be proof that whatever they believed in, worked. But I feel that these sources of inspiration were a really bad distraction from what really mattered in life.
Now that I think about it, it seems that no matter what beliefs you hold onto, if you are confident, you can convince yourself and others that what you believe is the right thing. The various cults that have been spawned in the last few decades, they have all been headed by strong, charismatic leaders: David Koresh for instance, who convinced his followers to kill themselves. I would even include the Jehovah’s Witnesses in this list of cults. The Watchtower Bible Tract Society as they like to be called has seen tremendous growth in a relatively short space of time – all due to strong leaders who furthered the cause. Apparently, the Mormon Church is the richest church in the world – it all comes down to strong leaders who hold their devoted followers in their sway.
I think one of the biggest revelations I ever gained was that of the subconscious mind and conditioning: operant conditioning and classical conditioning. Ever since I read Joseph Murphy’s, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind around 1994 – I feel my whole perspective on life changed. Nowadays I am convinced that every little thing you experience, think and feel contributes towards conditioning the subconscious mind, negatively or positively. The result is that you are either a secure minded person or a negative minded person: one will lead a happy, fulfilling life whilst the other is more likely to live a frustrating and disappointing life. The difference is, of course, all in your mind – what you believe. It is for this reason that we need to look at the subject of faith. But it really does seem to me that no matter what spiritual or religious “template” you apply to your life, if you are confident, positive-minded and secure – your life is bound to go well for you and you are more likely to be able to influence others in what you believe.
I cannot tell you the amount of time I have put into studying and writing about the causes of depression and anxiety – it has been a mystery to me. It does seem to be a combination of experiences, thoughts and feelings, all of which seem to contribute towards a person either being positive or negative, secure or insecure. The answer to a happy and rewarding life seems to lie in simply being happy, positive-minded and content in life. I have been through many of the popular forms of claiming things and attracting things through affirmations and I can honestly say that it really does not work. Most “normal”, secure and positive-minded people don’t live their life that way; it is really only the negative-minded, insecure people of this world who attempt to control their lives through trying to “attract” and “claim” things.
I have come to the conclusion that best way to live a happy and successful life, is to simply not worry about things. It seems that as soon as we start worrying about things, we try to control reality, and as soon as we do that, we suffer and we struggle. If you will take an honest look at affirmations, you will see that they are an effort to attempt to alleviate worry, suffering and struggle – through the acquisition of power, possessions and relationships. But it is the very pursuit of these things that causes people to worry and to resist reality.
I look back on my Christian pursuits and beliefs and really begin to wonder what really worked well, what was true, what was a misnomer and so on. I honestly do admit that trying to convince the releasing and inquiry communities to become Christians is rather futile. It is my hope, however, that I can present a Christianity based on love, not rules, that will at least prompt an element of curiosity in people that would cause them to want to know more. My heart does go out to Christians who have been abused by the church and are struggling with a religion that demands performance and adherence to a set of rules.
It seems hard to fathom, but all of that religious rule keeping and religious abuse is actually all part of the journey. Galatians 3:24 says that the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ. The Apostle Paul himself was a zealous Pharisee who persecuted Christians. Paul was not just abusive – he killed people! It seems that an aspect of knowing what love is found in knowing what it is not. The Bible is divided between the Old Covent and the New Covenant; one is based on rules and one is based on love. It seems that most Christians experience life lived in the Old Covenant, following rules, before coming into the grace message, the New Covenant, where they come to know God’s love for them.
I am just glad I have come into what is known as the “grace message”. Thankfully, there is a revolution going on now in the Christian world. Despite the sharp decline in church attendance, more and more Christians are becoming part of the revolution as they find relief from the oppression of religious performance and they come to know the Father’s love for them through Christ.
If I could “witness” Christ to someone now – I think I would point them to one of the grace preachers on my Grace Preachers List and Grace Preachers List II on my Christian blog, The Divine Nature. I would advise people to simply download the freely available messages from my favourite grace preacher, Bertie Brits.
But the weirdest thing is they many people just don’t seem to “get” this message: they don’t receive it in their hearts. It would seem that many Christians first go through adversity before they can humble themselves enough to become a Christian. Furthermore, hardly any Christians up to now seem to have come to the knowledge of God’s love for them, without first having to jump through all the religious hoops and experience all the wacky fads in the church.
Since the start of the year, I have really enjoyed listening to The God Journey and The Free Believers Network: "Into the Wild". I've downloaded as much as I can of these podcasts and am mostly listening to “Into the Wild”. These podcasts are radical and take Christianity out of the concept of organised religion as we see in the church system. These podcasts hardly touch upon scripture, preferring to look at the language of the heart and live according to love. I think it is good to balance this kind of “teaching” with messages from someone like Bertie Brits, who will help you to see the Bible from the correct perspective of God’s love towards us. But if you have not gone through those years of abuse in the church through religious performance, you may find it rather hard to relate to what they are saying and to sense the freedom in what they convey.
Life is about knowing that you are okay the way you are and that God accepts you independently of your behaviour and conduct – the Bible uses the term “righteousness” to describe this condition. The true message of the Gospel is the complete opposite of the Old Testament law of the Ten Commandments and the numerous rules and rituals that were followed, and are still followed today, by the Jews.
It has taken me a long time to get to the place, spiritually, where I am now. I don’t have it all together and I still struggle with depression and anxiety. But even the hosts of The Free Believers Network admit that they also struggle with depression. It seems that whenever you resist reality you experience stress, which in turn, leads to that aching emptiness on the inside that we know as depression. But I do concur with the experiences of Darin Hufford of The Free Believers Network, in that trying to suppress your emotions when you are feeling bitter towards the church, and anything else in life, is probably the worst thing you can do.
I spent a lot of time and effort studying the Bible from this perspective of grace. I honestly thought that studying the Bible from the correct perspective would change my beliefs and attitudes, and therefore, my life. But I can honestly say that it has not changed my life very much at all. In fact, it has probably made me more anxious as it has caused me to hold onto certain expectations.
It is difficult to know what works and what does not work when it comes to self-help, New Age and Christianity. Anything that focuses on acceptance of self and love for others, is moving in the right direction. I believe in Christ and I believe that faith in the true Gospel is a good thing. In fact, I believe that proper faith in the Gospel can be an incredible thing. The world has developed a concept of Jesus that sees him as long-haired and effeminate, as depicted by Leonardo De Vinci in the painting of the Last Supper. We have seen a very good looking Jesus with an American accent as portrayed by Hollywood, particularly during the fifties and sixties. Even New Age presents us with a Jesus who, to be honest, is a bit of a hippy who only ever talks about love and peace (which is quite different to the Jesus of the Bible). The real Jesus, I believe, is the personification of our source of strength and freedom; as well as representing and bringing God’s love for us to humanity – that can only ever be good news.
I find that the more I try to pin down what beliefs were right or wrong, good or bad, the more I find myself trying to create more rules, concepts and formulas for other people to follow. I suppose I’ll never really know what beliefs really worked for me and benefited my life. There is so much teaching on suffering out there; it is rather inspiring to hear the testimonies of others who relate how something wonderful came out of their suffering.
We cannot change the past and the best thing that we can do is to embrace who we are now fully, as well as what has or has not happened to us. It seems to be the way in which we deal with past traumas that largely dictate how we are going to experience life from this moment on. One way of seeing it is that everything that happened to me in the past, even all of the spiritual misnomers and religious abuse, was all part of the journey and all contributed towards who I am now, and who I am becoming. I like to see it as a big block of marble, which a great sculptor can carve away at in order to produce a masterpiece. I like to see that sculptor as God. I know I cannot help God – but I can hinder Him: I hinder him with my strong opinions, ambitions and judgements.
I honestly don’t know what is best for me right now. But I know that my own thinking interferes with my life. When I hold onto a belief, I suffer. Even when I studied the Bible from the perspective of God living in me by faith – I still struggled with thoughts such as, “He should…they should…she shouldn’t…I’ll never…” Perhaps something wonderful has been created in me through the spiritual revelations I’ve gained. But none of it will benefit me if I am still reacting badly against life and resisting reality in my mind.
This is where releasing and inquiry comes in. Rather than attempting to discern what principles and beliefs are good, bad, right or wrong – it is much better to simply release and/or inquire (I prefer inquiry at the moment) with who you are now and what you believe at this moment. The awful thing about following a set of rules is that you disconnect the heart in preference to listening to your head. Releasing and inquiry help a person to re-establish that heart connection, that place where God lives, so that you can truly know what is right for you now, what decisions you should make and finding freedom from the past so that you can experience peace from this moment onwards. As I continue with releasing and inquiry, I’m finding that there are some Biblical concepts that I still hold onto, such as my right standing with God through faith in Christ. But many of the other beliefs, particularly those that oppose love, simply fall away under the truth that inquiry brings.
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