I Need…I’ll Never…

Ever since I found that one inquiry session with a particular belief is usually not enough to affect a significant change – I’ve been trying various different ways of scheduling my Inquiry sessions.

I find that I can effectively do two Inquiry sessions, back-to-back. Therefore, what I find works rather well is doing one Inquiry session in the morning and two back-to-back session in the evening. Like anything else in life, Inquiry is one of those things that has to be done regularly in order to see results. I’ve tried “marathon” sessions of The Work during week-ends, but I found it exhausting – but I know I can stick with 3 sessions a day.

Like any other Self-Help method and good habit, I sometimes miss sessions and get out of the habit of using Inquiry. But I’m convinced of the power and simplicity of The Work now, so not too much time goes by without me using Inquiry.

I’ve experimented with “round-robin” methods of Inquiry: questioning certain beliefs on one day, another set of beliefs the next day and so on. But what I’m doing at the moment is focusing on questioning three different beliefs, but focusing on a different aspect of those beliefs on alternate days.

Let me explain further: on one day I question a belief from the aspect that I’ll never have it, then the next day I focus on the aspect of whether I need that thing. I find that I need and I’ll never are both two sides of the same coin, so to speak.

When I believe that I’ll never have a certain thing, I lose conscious awareness of the fact that I’ve experienced the same, or similar things in the past; I forget in that moment that good things have happened to me, that I have some good things right now and that I’ve made good decisions in the past. When I inquire into a belief using I’ll never, my heart reminds me of times in my life when good things did happen and I made decisions that turned out well for me.

I’ll never or I can’t comes from a sense of despair, guilt and regret. Inquiry can bring a person out of this sense of despair and into a state of hope, as they realise that they can indeed have that thing. This is not fantasy, it is not about claiming or attracting things that we think we need – it is about maintaining optimism and hope – it’s about believing in the best for yourself.

I need comes from a sense of lacking security and acceptance: the belief that I am not whole, lovable and effective, just as I am right now. I need affirms that I need something in order to be happy, safe and accepted by others. When anxiously hold onto the desire for something that I think will make me happy – I at once move away from the certainty that I am love, I am complete and that I have everything that I need in this moment.

When I cling to I need – I look to other people, achievement and material things to fulfil me, instead of embracing the fulfilment of the incredible person I am in this moment.

In order to address an anxious thought from more than one perspective, try asking I need and I’ll never…

Byron Katie Quotes

Byron Kathleen Mitchell, or Byron Katie as she is better known, was born on the 6th of December, 1942 in the U.S.A. Her published books include "Loving What Is", "I Need Your Love—Is That True?", "Question Your Thinking, Change the World", and "A Thousand Names for Joy: A Guide to Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are".

Byron Katie is known the most for the simple process of self-inquiry which she calls “The Work”. This process is four questions followed by what is known as a “turnaround”. This process is an effective way of finding freedom from stressful thoughts. You can find out more at this link: http://thework.com

Here are some popular quotes by Byron Katie:

• "Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do."
• "All I have is all I need and all I need is all I have in this moment."
• "The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the un-interpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life."
• "Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them"
• "Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn't need to happen."
• "When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time."
• "All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear"
• "As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise."
• "A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years."
• "When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done."
• "Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that's what you've lived."
• "If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it."
• "Don't be careful. You could hurt yourself."
• "Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn't need to happen."
• "Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector—mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise."
• "Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it—that you are it."
• "You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to to suffer."
• “If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.”
• “There is only one problem, ever: your un-investigated story in the moment.”
• “If our thinking is clear, how could work or money be the problem? Our thinking is all we need to change.”
• “I don't let go of concepts - I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.”

A Better Perspective on Money – Self-Talk Script

Here is an example of a Self-Talk script that I wrote in order to give myself a better perspective on money.  Rather than just using the typical affirmations that declare I attract money – I decided to listen to what my heart was telling me when I questioned my stressful thoughts using The Work of Byron Katie.  I decided to put some of the salient points from my Inquiry sessions on money and corporate success – into my Self-Talk scripts.

I realise that it’s more important to make good decisions with my money, than to have a fancy job title and high salary figure.

It is my right to prosper financially, get my needs met and live a good quality of life - regardless of my performance in the workplace.

My job title and salary figure are not indications of my ability to prosper financially and get my needs met. There is a lot more to do with prospering financially than earning a salary. What really counts is making good decisions with my money, buying and selling things at the right time, making good investments, saving diligently and being careful with how I spend my money.

I know that happiness has very little to do with how much money I have in the bank. I can be truly happy and content with whatever I have in this moment.

The best thing that I can do to prosper financially is to maintain peace of mind – free from worry about money. When my mind is at peace, I am in a position to make good decisions. A peaceful mind knows how much, when and with whom.

I know that currencies, interest rates, inflation, trade deficits and house prices fluctuate all the time. But I don’t look to those things to determine my prosperity – I look to the wisdom within me to make the right decisions that will steer me through life to financial victory. So while the economy goes up and down – my mind and emotions remain steady.

When it comes to climbing the corporate ladder – I realise that my success in the workplace is not just determined by what I achieve corporate success also requires confidence, people skills, kindness and courtesy and a happy disposition. So I make every effort to ensure that these vital life skills are always at work in me.

The Love Factor – Part 3

There seems to be an assumption in self-help circles that if you attain or achieve a certain thing, such as wealth, then all the happiness and sense of happiness, fulfilment, security, significance and self-worth that you mentally associate with it – will also be yours to possess. But many people have experienced that even when they get that promotion and pay-rise, romantic partner or even fame and fortune that they have always dreamed of – it does not change who they are and how they feel.

So if we take all these things into consideration, it seems that Self-Talk, although promising and potentially useful – could actually be rather imbalanced and incomplete, unless we factor love and the development of character into the equation.

When it comes to love, I believe that The Work of Byron Katie is the best thing I’ve ever come across. The Work does not seek to give people formulas and principles to live by; neither does The Work give you a whole lot of New Age spiritual-sounding theories. The Work is like a framework within which you question your own anxious thoughts with four questions and a “turnaround” – to discover that what you thought was true, is not true. The real wisdom that you gain from Inquiry is from within your own heart – not necessarily from someone else’s theories.

The anxious mind says…

• I need this or that to be happy.
• I need to work harder so I can achieve more.
• People should appreciate me more.
• So-and-so should be like this or that.
• I’ll never, I can’t…

Inquiry refutes all of these things and more, bringing you to the “turnaround” which is just as true as or truer than the original statement. Inquiry is a process of self-discovery and freedom from the fears, taboos, ideals and grudges that have held you captive for so long.

In the past, people have assumed that love is making an effort to be nice to a person; a warm, “gushy” feeling on the inside; or a strong attraction towards a person. But reality, love is much more than these things. I believe that love has a lot more to do with acceptance: of yourself as you are now, of other people as they are and of your current circumstances. Fear tries to predict the future and control circumstances. Love embraces the present and seeks to make the most of now. Fear looks to the other person to make more of an effort, to be different, to change to be someone they are not. Love accepts the other person as they are and seeks to change the way you see that person from a negative to a positive light.

Inquiry seems to be the premier method of changing attitudes and garnering love by finding truth from within. However, I don’t believe that Inquiry is suitable for re-programming your subconscious mind – that is where Self-Talk comes to the fore.

All in all I believe what will work to change a person’s life by changing the way they think – is by somehow channelling the results of Inquiry back into your Self-Talk scripts. In this way, the wisdom you discover within yourself in relation to your anxious thoughts can be used to re-programme your subconscious mind. Otherwise, you run the risk of one of two things:

1. You use Self-Talk or other affirmations method to re-programme your mind, but you are to busy trying to meet goals, achieve the impossible and get more money - than developing character and love.
2. You use Inquiry to discover the truth behind your stressful thoughts. You come to see that those thoughts aren’t true. But for some reason, those anxious thoughts keep on cropping-up, time and again, with just as much stress as before.

One of the results of this combination between Inquiry and Self-Talk will be a set of Self-Talk scripts that might differ somewhat from what you would normally expect. There will be the usual affirmations of achievement and believing in yourself, but there will also be affirmations which see things from a different perspective.

I will hopefully post some examples of these alternative Self-Talk scripts soon.

The Love Factor – Part 2

Another thing about affirmations in general is that they do not consider right and wrong motive. There is an assumption in self-help circles that people know what they want and that their motives are genuine. There is this idea that whatever a person desires is something that they indeed should attain, and can attain, if they use the correct principles and formulas. There is therefore a need to be able to somehow discern what is genuine from our motives and to bring our desires into question in order to know what is right for us.

It is for this reason that I recommend using The Work of Byron Katie to question even your most precious, or even most convincing, goals and desires. Discovering and telling yourself that you actually can have a thing, is a powerful step towards finding peace. But also finding out and telling yourself that you actually don’t need that thing right now, is also a powerful step towards finding peace. Not surprisingly, you won’t see any affirmations that tell yourself that you don’t actually need those things that you desire the most – unless it is dealing with a habit, such as alcohol or smoking.

It is very frustrating when you feel that you are achieving a lot and doing a good job – only to find that someone who achieves less, but is more well liked (and perhaps more consistent) than you are – is appreciated and rewarded more. This is just one of the examples in which love is a significant factor.

In this example, Self-Talk directed solely towards achievement and performance, is only tackling part of the issue. So it seems that if Self-Talk is to be of any use, in some cases at least, there is a need for something more – there is a need for something which encourages and attracts love.

As I have said in recent blog entries, I have veered away from achievement of goals, towards the formation of character. This is because I believe that it is who you are on the inside that changes your environment: how you feel on the inside, how you relate to others, how others relate to you, what you achieve, how organised and efficient you are and your attitude towards things.

There are so many more examples that I could give in relation to love and character development versus achievement and attainment. You could have lots of friends, be surrounded by people you get on well with, yet feel terribly lonely. You could go on a date with an attractive member of the opposite sex, but lack the personality to sustain a worthwhile relationship. You could make a great effort to treat people with kindness, even perform acts of benevolence – yet be treated with rejection and hostility in return. You could achieve a major goal, perhaps go on the holiday of a lifetime, but if you don’t have love in your life – it won’t make you feel any better and it won’t change your life.

There seems to be a higher spiritual law in effect when it comes to love. This law of love is something that none of us can avoid and it affects every area of our lives. Love is the very essence of our higher nature, but it seems to depend a great deal on our beliefs and attitudes when it comes to how and when we allow it to work in our lives.

When it comes to what love actually is and how it expresses itself from our higher nature, I believe that First Corinthians 13:4-7 explains what it is:

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 nkjv

There seems to be so much more than accompanies love as well: joy, peace, intuition, vitality and so on.

If you are going to use Self-Talk or any other method of affirmations – I think it would be a good idea to include statements which encourage the development of the above qualities.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 1

As I have no doubt repeated time and again on this blog: I believe that The Work of Byron Katie and The Sedona Method are the best self-help methods I have ever used – they are simple to use and you can feel the effect of it straight away. I tend nowadays to favour The Work.

A Lack of Permanent Results

But I have found that after about three years of doing The Work, the anxiety still comes back – even after questioning the same anxious thought numerous times. I value each session of inquiry as no two sessions are exactly the same: I find that I often gain new insight and see things from a slightly different perspective, the second or third time I question a thought. But I have also found that after questioning a persistent anxious thought a few times – the same insight and responses present themselves, time and again.

A little while ago I came up with the brilliant idea of concentrating on questioning my most prolific and stressful thoughts. I reasoned that if I could reach the point of a natural “no” response to question one – then I would experience a significant shift towards a permanent state of peace and joy. But it would seem that as soon as I reached my goal of question-one-no to some of the toughest stressful thoughts – they would emerge again and I would experience hardly any difference to my natural state.

Up until recently I did The Work almost every day: I would do a session of inquiry while in the shower getting ready for work at the office in the morning. Then, I would typically do two inquiry sessions back-to-back when I got home in the evening. I would usually experience the same sense of freedom each time I reached the turnaround; I would also find myself becoming consciously aware of the same things during my sessions as well.

It can be the most bizarre thing to find yourself getting stressed all over again over a belief that you know is not true, a belief that you have already questioned through inquiry several times. It is almost as if your mind develops some sort of amnesia when you experience anxiety, as you find yourself completely losing conscious awareness of the fact that you can indeed have this or that or that you don’t need that thing whatsoever (not in this present moment anyway).

A List of Reminders and Affirmations

The lack of permanent results got me thinking of alternative solutions – something that I could possibly use in conjunction with my inquiry sessions to make its effect more long-lasting. I considered the fact that it was as if I needed to use some sort of quick and easy method of taking the recurring, salient points from my inquiry sessions and reviewing them. Perhaps I could record some of my sessions on a portable voice recorder, listen to them and then make a note of the things that keep on turning up. Then, I could read this list to myself every morning. This method, I reasoned, would be a lot quicker that inquiry and would be almost as effective. After all, it seemed that quite a bit of my inquiry sessions were just repetition and waffle.

It was during this time that it struck me how similar this proposed list of reminders was to affirmations. I had dabbled with affirmations in the past – just like most self-help advocates. I remember getting off to an enthusiastic start with affirmations, but then my enthusiasm trailed-off as it seemed like it was not working. Like many other people who have used affirmations, I tried to believe and attract all sorts of outrageous things. I suppose it did not help when most self-help gurus were in the habit of giving people way-out, miraculous testimonies.

I think it’s worse for charismatic Christians, because there are always evangelists who give them pep-talks based on some miraculous event in the Bible – such as Jesus walking on the water or Moses parting the Red Sea.

It goes without saying that I was now rather reluctant to return to affirmations. This led me to really think about why affirmations did not work – much of this pondering of mine went into the Why Affirmations Don’t Work series on this blog, which I have grouped together under the affirmations tag.

The Need for Inquiry – Part 2

I have been using inquiry through The Work of Byron Katie for almost three years now. I am amazed at the way in which inquiry seems to work for me every time, in that by the time I reach the turnaround, I experience a release from stress and the knowledge of the truth (whether or not I really wanted to hear that truth before I started asking the four questions). The only times that inquiry has not worked are when I have been drinking alcohol or when I’m very tired – but that is what you would expect anyway.

Inquiry – the Ultimate in Self-Realisation

I am convinced that inquiry is the ultimate method for establishing a conscious awareness of the truth from within. It is this awareness of the truth which can change a person’s beliefs, attitudes, and desires and ultimately their actions and behaviour – it all starts with what we think and believe. Who would have thought that our very own anxious thoughts provide us with everything we need in order to know our own mind and thoughts intimately and to find our own way out of the complex web of lies in which we have been caught-up in for so many years of our lives? You could say that inquiry is the ultimate in self-realisation.

Platitudes

For decades, self-help and spiritual gurus have written scores of books which tell people who they should think, feel, and behave in certain situations. All of this teaching has been well intended, but most of it doesn’t work. The reason for this is that a lot of it operates on the basis of giving a person a platitude and expecting them to do something with it. Such platitudes could include telling people to not get angry when someone provokes them or to do something nice for someone you love.

Changing Beliefs

What we believe establishes our attitude, which determines our feelings or desires, which in turn give rise to our actions or behaviour. So if you want to change your life, you need to change your beliefs.

It was around 1994 when I first read the book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy. This book changed my perspective towards my mind and my life when I first read it. It made so much sense to me that I had a conscious mind and a subconscious mind; our feelings and behaviour is governed largely by the beliefs we hold in our subconscious mind; and the beliefs we have in our conscious mind and subconscious mind can become significantly out of synch. This explained to me why I would find myself habitually doing the things I didn’t want to do, whilst struggling to do the things I wanted to do.

For many years now affirmations have been seen as the main way to change the beliefs we have in the subconscious mind. I remember when I first started to use affirmations about fifteen years ago. I got off to an enthusiastic start but then my efforts seem to wane. Like any other new habit such as eating healthily or keeping fit, I would go in predictable cycles of making a spurt of effort, putting it off to another day, before then forgetting about it until a few weeks or months later. I can’t honestly say that during that time I saw any significant change to my life.

Word of Faith

I eventually gave up on affirmations and self-help as I became more engrossed in Christianity. During the early "noughties" I became rather obsessive about Christian Word of Faith (also known by its critics as “Name it and Claim it”), particularly the teaching of Kenneth E. Hagin. Word of Faith is like a Christian equivalent of The Secret and The Law of Attraction. The whole idea behind W.O.F. is that if it is written in the Bible – you can have it. So if someone from ancient times middle-east was blessed by God with lavish wealth – you can have it too because it is written in the Bible. Obviously this system is abusive, misleading and does not work. I eventually started coming out of W.O.F. after about five years.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 21

The Need for Peace of Mind

I think when it comes to money the best thing in the world you can do is to not worry about it. In fact, I would say that this concept applies to everything in life. There is a natural order and flow to life, things happen around us and good things come into our lives, oftentimes, without us even having to do anything for it, without doing anything to deserve it, without thinking about it and certainly without having to claim it or attract it.

It is for this reason why inquiry is so effective: inquiry does not seek to claim things from God or attract things from the Universe – inquiry seeks to maintain peace of mind which is our optimum state of being. When your mind is at peace, free from worry, you are better able to make good decisions and to live without all of that stuff that you think you can’t live without.

A lack of money is a classic symptom of a myriad of issues in a person’s life – all of which can be traced down to the way they think. If a person struggles financially, it could be indicative of a lack of confidence leading to unwillingness to take risks; it could point to a disorganised mind that forgets things easily and makes silly mistakes.

So when it comes to having more money – I would say that what most people really need is peace of mind, confidence, happiness, contentment, intuition, balance and good self-esteem. It seems to me that most affirmation-based systems do not encourage these things – perhaps it is because they don’t seem to “sell” very well?

With the pursuit of money, job titles and salary figures comes a staunch effort-and-reward mentality that can result in a rather bitter, competitive mindset that does nothing more than enlist you in the rat-race of life.

I am a Christian and I know all the things that put people off Christianity and I accept that. But I must say that there is an exquisite beauty in the Words of Jesus in Matthew Chapter 6:

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

²⁸ So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹ Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:26-34 nkjv

I like The Message translation, which is a modern paraphrase, of Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.” Isn’t that what happens with a lot of people? They become tied down to job description?

But don’t take my word for it – do The Work for yourself and find the truth inside of you. But I hope you can see that without inquiry you have nothing to question your most pressing wants – nothing to bring a vital balance to your mind. Without inquiry, if you are prone to anxiety, you are likely to go off on a tangent, using affirmations to get what you want - the end result of this is inevitably disappointment, frustration and a conviction that affirmations don’t work.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 20

Instead of being given pep-talks based on incredible testimonies of what happened in someone else’s life - I would much rather have been given a balanced, realistic message that encouraged me to make the most of the life circumstances that I face right now at this very moment.

The Need to Question Your Beliefs

Instead, I actively and forcefully reacted against my life circumstances in the hope of something more exciting and rewarding. I believe that it is this which is the main source of anxiety: it is the way in which we war against our life circumstances in our mind.

Thankfully, this is where through The Work of Byron Katie comes to the fore. The Work uses four questions and a “turnaround” to gently lead a person to see that the thought that they were holding onto so tightly, which is causing them so much stress, is simply not true. It is not just the thoughts of lack and defeat which can cause stress – it is also the incessant thoughts which demand that we need this or that in order to be happy, popular or secure.

Unfortunately, it is the things we cling onto in order to give us hope that we do not even consider to dare question – even though they are fuelling our anxious state. It is often these wrong desires around which we will make affirmations. A common example of this would be the desire for more money: when we make poor financial decisions and feel a sense of lack, we inevitably react with thoughts that insist we need more money. Therefore, such a person could start affirming something such as, “Money now flows to me copiously and effortlessly.”

But the people who think they need more money are often trying to compensate for something else in their life: they probably have a low self-esteem and assume they will be more popular if they have a big house, expensive car and flashy job title; perhaps such a person finds themselves in the red every month, because they spend money on things that they think will make them happy, therefore they buy things that they don’t really need, racking-up a debt on their credit cards.

Perhaps you are trying to maintain a lifestyle that you simply can’t afford? Do you think that God or the Universe is going to see to it that more money flows to you so that you can continue to live in your own little fantasy world?

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 14

Goal Setting - The “Stress Test”

During my brief time with setting goals and using affirmations – I can see that my efforts were focused towards achieving things that I thought would transform my life. I set goals for things like getting more money, a promotion and pay-rise, a beautiful wife or some incredible achievement.

When your goals are focused on something that you believe will change your life, something that you must have, there will typically be a great deal of stress associated with that goal. When you look to a single thing to make your life go well, if that thing does not come to pass – the more insecure you are, the more likely you will be affected by it. For a neurotic, it can feel like the end of the world if you don’t achieve or attain ‘X’, ‘Y’ or ‘Z’ within a given time-frame.

I believe it is important to be flexible and to have the kind of character and self-belief that you can be happy, succeed and prosper – despite whatever set-backs you might face. Therefore, I am reluctant now to set goals for things that I believe will change my life – things that give rise to a lot of stress.

If a desired thing does give rise to stress – don’t be afraid to question it through inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. Typically, you will need to question the belief that you can’t have a thing, as well as the belief that you must have it. I can foresee a reluctance to question your need for something that you desperately want and believe that you cannot live without. But it really comes down to the decision of whether you want the fantasy, with lots of stress, or the reality with peace. Just because you come to the realisation through inquiry that you don’t need a certain thing – it does not necessarily mean that you can’t have it. A good alternative to using The Work with goals is to use The Goal Process incorporated into The Sedona Method.

Personally, I’m reluctant now to set any kind of goal for something that causes me stress. It is that desire for control that gives rise to the stress. But I still believe that people should set simple and realistic goals for themselves – just like I have with a French qualification and exam. I don’t experience any stress with this French exam goal, because I don’t expect it to change my life. The power to change my life does not reside in what I do or have – but in who I am.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 12

S.M.A.R.T. Goal-Setting

There is something of a standard in place in relation to goal-setting, identified by the acronym S.M.A.R.T. – which stands for:

· Specific

· Measurable

· Attainable

· Relevant

· Time-bound

This link provides Examples of Career SMART Goals. I think each word in this acronym pretty much speaks for itself. Basically, goals have got to be something useful and realistic – not some far-fetched fantasy or something otherwise of no practical use.

Specific Goals

As someone who has tried all sorts of self-help and spiritual methods over the years – I balk at the first component of this acronym – specific. I think it is a deadly cocktail when a specific desire is mixed with a future date – the result can lead to a fixation with a future occurrence, which may or may not happen. This fixation will inevitably lead to stress in the present moment. I am taking a particularly cautious stance with this because I know the neurotic mind, having been acquainted with my own for so long.

I know the way that the anxious mind latches onto an ideal to the point of becoming totally inflexible about it – even though it is stressful. Basically, the more stressful goal is – the less assurance you have of it coming to pass and the more you are looking to it to make you happy, give you a sense of purpose and identity, etc. So I suppose it all comes down to how insecure, and therefore, anxious a person is, because they are more inclined towards fantasy than reality.

A feeling will let you know when you’re holding on too tightly to a wrong thought. It is for this reason that it is so important to question your goals using inquiry. A good alternative to using The Work with goals is to use The Goal Process incorporated into The Sedona Method.

I remember a group of single girls I knew who went on some sort of workshop. They were basically encouraged to write down specific details of their dream partner. These girls inevitably wrote down typical things such as, “Tall, dark and handsome with muscles…” I remember feeling at the time that there was something not quite right about their approach. I could write down a goal that I will meet my perfect partner next year, that she will be beautiful with blonde hair and blue eyes. But what if I meet a nice girl with short red hair and green eyes?

I think this is probably one of the biggest potential pitfalls with goals: the problem of being so specific that you become inflexible and strongly attached to a specific outcome. Someone once said that expectation is the key to disappointment.

Another negative thing about goals is that it can get your mind fixed on the future. Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling book, The Power of Now, emphasises the fact that the only real time there is – is now. As soon as we mentally conceive the past or future unnecessarily – we invite stress into our lives.

I think there is something to be said about being specific about a goal; otherwise, you could end-up never reaching it. But if you do set specific goals, make sure you are flexible about what happens in your life: be prepared for any eventuality; don’t see something unexpected as a disappointment – see it as just something experienced on the journey of life.

Using the above example, I would say that we could make a goal out of meeting a partner because it is something that every adult should have. But I would say that a better way to phrase such a goal would be, “I attract a member of the opposite sex into my life, someone who I am attracted to, someone who I get along well with, someone who respects me for who I am…” I wouldn’t even be specific about anything like figure-type or looks: you could be expecting a petite woman, but meet a lovely voluptuous lady with curves to die for – I’m sure you get the picture. When it comes to certain goals – don’t restrict yourself.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 11

Mechanical Goal-Setting

I went through a phase of goal setting when I was really quite depressed, lonely and trying to find a sense of identify and purpose. I thought that I could just create a list of things to achieve that would signify that I am going places with my life, and that would lead to my eventual happiness and sense of achievement. But what really happened was that I felt like I was mechanically doing things just for the sake of achieving something. I often felt that I was trying to force myself to do things that I thought I wanted to do; but for some reason, I didn’t really want to do those things in my heart.

I suppose what I’m trying to get at here is that you can end-up trying to make yourself do a whole bunch of fairly trivial stuff – while you are missing the most fundamental things in your life. A good example of this would be setting yourself a goal to visit some exotic place, perhaps you want to go on a safari to the Serengeti in Tanzania. You could have the time, money and equipment to go – but if you don’t have love in your heart, it could be an empty experience. Without love, you could just feel as if you are going through the motions, doing something for the sake of it.

If this is the case with you – consider what it is that you are missing in your life. Ask yourself why you are unhappy and unfulfilled and consider whether your list of goals will really fill that emptiness within. It is important to consider the motive behind every goal you set for yourself. We often feel pressured into doing things we don’t feel passionate about; because we feel that we are expected to do them. When it comes to setting goals, it is important to do what is truly in your own heart, rather than feeling pressured by other people’s expectations, fads and trends.

There are so many factors which determine inner happiness – good relationships for instance, are a vital part of a balanced, happy life. What is the point of going somewhere fascinating and exotic – if you are just going by yourself, without someone you love?

This is why it is so important to use inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. There are so many things in life that we think we want and need – it is only when we question those wants that we find the wisdom within that tells us what we really want. Even if you question a desire for something, and reach a turnaround that says you don’t need it – it does not necessarily mean that you should not, or cannot, have that thing. It is your thoughts and beliefs behind those wants that are the focus here – more than the actual things themselves.

Using inquiry, I believe, is so much more important than just setting goals and using affirmations that tell yourself that you already have those things. There could be so many issues in your life that are preventing you from being happy. One of the major culprits that blocks happiness is a bitter grudge towards someone else, or otherwise, a bad attitude towards others.

I am a firm believer in the law of sowing and reaping: if you sow love you reap love – if you sow hostility and hatred that is what will come your way. I have learned that with love it is not so much your actions that count – even a bitter, spiteful person can do the right things, but with the wrong motives. When it comes to love, I believe that it is a person’s beliefs and attitudes that matter the most. Beliefs and attitudes then give rise to desires and actions. If you have a bad attitude towards others, which is affecting your happiness – no amount of money, achievement or material goods is going to bring you the happiness you seek. But without inquiry – you might never come to the realisation of the truth that will set you free from the futility of seeking empty things that never fulfil you.

There is one good thing that can come out of mechanical goal-setting: it teaches you what is really important in life. After making a series of poor decisions and trying to reach unattainable goals - you could be left with a keen sense of the need to appreciate what you have right now, and perhaps, what you used to have in the past. The unfulfilling pursuit of goals can provide you with a heightened awareness of all those things you have taken for granted in the past, a lot of which are invisible and intangible, but very, very real: I’m talking about love.

Love plays such a big role in our lives: love lets us know how much we should invest in a particular relationship; love lets us know when a relationship is over; love gives us a healthy appreciation and sense of respect for those people who are important to us; love gives us a wonderful feeling of anticipation for a planned meeting with an old friend; love gives us a desire to do the things that are right for us at a particular time. Without love, life becomes bland, unfulfilling and confusing.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 6

“Amazing” and “Brilliant”

If a person lacks solidness of character and soundness of judgement, they might be inclined to think that they have to be brilliant at something and achieve something amazing. I don’t think there is ever a need for most people to do anything that could be considered amazing, or to be brilliant at something. For one thing, define “brilliant” and define “amazing” – they are just words and they represent standards which we enforce on ourselves and others.

Affirmations can be used to tell yourself that you achieve something amazing and that you are brilliant at this or that. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, which lead to frustration and a sense of failure.

“Good” and “Effective”

I think the key words here are good and effective: I believe that there is only ever a need to be good and effective in everything that you do. If you think about it for a moment, all you are ever expected to do in all circumstances of your life, is to be good and effective. This could apply to your job, relationships, hobbies – in fact, anything whatsoever!

If you are good and effective at something – the sky is the limit! You might find that as you prove your trustworthiness and capability in your current responsibilities – you are given increasingly more responsibility. Eventually, after some time, you might find that you have been promoted up the corporate ladder. After some time of being good and effective at what you do – you could find that what you are good and effective at now, is a lot more than what you were good and effective at a few years ago.

This situation reminds me of Byron Katie’s common response to the belief that we need more money. Katie often responds with, “How can you have more money that you already have?” She’s got a point – if you think about it. Similarly, how can you be better at doing a certain thing than you already are? Constantly telling yourself that you need to be better, or brilliant, at this or that will get you hoping for something you can never attain at that moment. Such thinking is a recipe for anxiety.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 4

Misconceptions about Relationships

In his book, Mastering Your Emotions, Colin Dye points out that the core human wants are security, significance and self-worth; the most common ways that people try to fulfil these wants are through people, power and possessions.

It is common amongst neurotics to look to other people to make them feel secure, happy and loved. Human beings have been created to enjoy relationships with one another – there is no getting away from that. But we can only expect to get out of relationships, what we are able to bring to them. It goes without saying that if you are selfish and looking to other people to validate you and make a fuss about you – you are not going to be all that popular. But if you look to what you can bring to a relationship and you are able to make the effort to bring joy, sincerity and encouragement to others – you will enjoy relationships and will be popular.

From my own experience of being neurotic, I know what it is like when anxiety holds you in its grasp: it is difficult to not be self-absorbed when you are desperately trying to figure things out and reacting badly to negative circumstances. There is a direct link with the way we think and the circumstances we attract in our lives: if you are positive-minded, you tend to attract positive circumstances, whilst if you are negative-minded you tend to attract negative circumstances. It is this natural law upon which the Law of Attraction and positive thinking is based.

If a person finds that negative things tend to happen in their lives, or they have a lack of good things happening to them, they inevitably and instinctively, attempt to figure things out. Anxiety is the result of frantically trying to figure out what is happening in your life, why bad things always seem to happen, why good things never seem to happen and what you can do to attract good things and avoid the bad. This incessant worrying arises from the subconscious mind into the conscious mind, and therefore, is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to consciously control.

This explains one of the reasons why anxiety sufferers struggle in relationships: their mind is so focused on themselves that they are unable to focus for very long on the people in their life. This self-absorption consumes a lot of time and energy, which saps a person and contributes towards feelings of depression. The lacklustre personality of a depressed person is not conducive towards establishing good, strong, effective relationships.

The term “selfish” and “self-centred” is often reserved as an accusation: a tern that is used to prompt a person to change their ways through intimidation. But if we forget about the accusatory context for the moment - “selfish” and “self-centred” perfectly describe anxious, insecure people who are absorbed in trying to figure things out and control their lives.

Unfortunately, the human mind is cunning and devious, it will use all sorts of subtle and elaborate tactics to protect itself – these are called self-defence mechanisms. One of these self-defence mechanisms is projection, whereby you accuse the other person of the very issue you have yourself. For example, a self-centred person could accuse their partner of being selfish – when it is that person making the accusation who is selfish.

This form of deception is something that arises time and again during sessions of The Work. This is why it is important to use inquiry in the area of relationships, before using affirmations to attract friends and a lover into your life.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 1

Affirmations don’t work because they do not get to the underlying causes of a person’s neurosis.

Advocates of The Sedona Method and The Work seem to both acknowledge that it is not a good idea to layer positive thoughts on top of negative ones. It is better to actually pay attention to the anxious thoughts with a view to letting them go through The Sedona Method or questioning them through The Work. In fact, it is this discovery that often leads a person to either one of these two self-help methods; it is almost as if affirmations serve as an introduction to The Sedona Method or The Work.

Escapism and Unrealistic Expectations

Now that I look back on affirmations with hindsight I can see that I tried to use them as a form of escapism: I tried to create a perfect future by controlling my thoughts about it in the present. This seems to be a common trend amongst self-help gurus, who encourage their followers to envisage a perfect self in a perfect future, were there will be no more problems, only happiness and nice things. I think this is one of the ways in which you can know that you are off course in your use of affirmations. Any system that emphasises the destination more than the journey will definitely get you off-track.

I think visualisation is even worse because it encourages neurotics to fantasise about things in their mind. I am flabbergasted that these self-help and spiritual gurus who are trusted by thousands of people all over the world, make absolutely no allowance whatsoever for the neurotic mindset. Surely, they must be aware that there will be people with serious mental and emotional issues who are more than likely to go off on a tangent with their teaching?

The thing that makes such teaching so misleading is the way that they always seem to use totally extreme, out of the ordinary anecdotes to get their message across. People are told that they can perform miracles, they can do the impossible and they can be rich beyond their wildest dreams. What people don’t realise is that the likelihood is that they aren’t ever going to live the millionaire playboy lifestyle they fantasise about – they are much more likely to live in an average house, with an average looking partner, doing an average nine-to-five job.

It seems to me that the more insecure a person is the more frustrated, disappointed and anxious they will be. “Everyday life” is like a swear-word to these people – it seems to be too disappointing or difficult for them to cope with. Therefore, they are prone to creating some sort of elaborate fantasy to escape from it all. I don’t mind the concept of making the most of life and being good and effective at what you do, or even being successful and prosperous. But I take issue with the way in which self-help and spiritual gurus actively encourage fantasy amongst vulnerable neurotics who need professional help: they need balance and the right kind of encouragement more than they need to be told they can become outrageously wealthy – if they follow a certain set of steps.

I’m not speaking from mere speculation here – I have been in that position as an anxiety sufferer myself, so I know what it is like. It took me many years of frustration, disappointment and empty promises to finally come out of that mental and emotional condition and finally get my feet on solid ground. You see, that is the inevitable conclusion in the pursuit of unrealistic expectations: eventually, after years of putting lots of time and effort into this kind of stuff, you will end-up feeling defeated, depressed and deceived.

When the Work Doesn’t Seem to Work – Part 2

Despite the short-term evidence that Releasing and Inquiry works, there can be an inevitable disappointment with these methods, because they might not deliver the landmark, life-changing goals that we have been primed to expect. I find that I often seem to have a reluctance to use Releasing and Inquiry; I believe it all comes down to this lack of tangible evidence in the form of life-changing goals. It’s only when I finally get myself to release or inquire, and I experience the familiar and much-needed sense of relief, that I once again become encouraged to continue my efforts with these methods.

I am tempted to feel that the last two years or so of Releasing and Inquiry have yielded no benefit to me at all. But I also feel that this is not quite true: whilst I don’t seem to have fulfilled a single life-changing goal as yet, since I began using Releasing and Inquiry, I cannot deny the fact that there have been some beneficial changes. The changes are rather more subtle than the way-out, amazing, miraculous testimonies that make the latest self-help book so popular.

I admit that I do get frustrated and disappointed quite a lot and I wonder why I bother with Releasing and Inquiry. But when I compare myself now with myself two years ago – there has been a positive change. I seem to be doing a lot better in my job than I used to; I also seem to be a lot more enthusiastic in the workplace too. Whilst I don’t yet have that promotion that I’ve been striving to attain for numerous years – I do feel a lot closer to it now. There are quite a lot of things that I used to worry about in the past which I notice I no longer worry about. In fact, I do seem to be a lot more at peace nowadays than I used to be, although, I do still have regular bouts of anxiety and despondency.

In the past I derived my sense of hope from the fantasies that were established by the extravagant promises of charismatic spiritual leaders. I am now in a place whereby I can see the futility of those fantasies. Now, I would much rather take solace in the tangible reality of the subtle gains which I have made so far. These subtle gains might not be the stuff of popular self-help and motivational books – but at least they are real for me – I know which one I would rather have!

I truly am adamant that the best goal you can ever have is to maintain peace of mind: everything else, I feel, flows from there. You really cannot go further than peace: if you are in a constant state of anxiety, you really cannot achieve much in this life and you are likely to experience one drama after another. Even when you attain peace of mind, there is no guarantee that everything is going to be “plain sailing” from here. However, with peace of mind you know that you are in the best condition you can be in, in order to receive the best that life, God or the Universe has to offer you at this moment in time.

When the Work Doesn’t Seem to Work – Part 1

I would say that after many years of pursuing spiritual development and using various self-help methods, I have to admit that The Work of Byron Katie seems to be the most effective method I have encountered so far.

I have experienced the disappointment that inevitably results when a charismatic, writer, speaker or spiritual leader gives people amazing anecdotes, formulas and principles – which don’t seem to work for me.

Self help methods such as The Work and The Sedona Method take a different approach to the typical affirmation based methods, which promise wealth, power and control over ones life circumstances. Most people come to The Work and The Sedona Method after spending years pursuing popular self-help and spiritual pursuits, which promise the attainment of goals, but do not deliver. There is an inevitable sense of frustration when a person finally comes to the point whereby they realise that these attractive principles and formulas just don’t work. But this point of frustration and disappointment can be a great place to be in that they graduate from wrong motives and ideals. It’s at this point that a person can begin to wholeheartedly and passionately embrace Releasing or Inquiry.

When a person begins to see the value of Releasing or Inquiry, the sense of disappointment that previous spiritual pursuits brought, can give way to a sense of relief as they finally realise the sheer value of making the attainment of peace their only goal.

The great thing about Releasing and Inquiry is that once you grasp the basics, you find that you are able to experience results almost immediately. However, whilst these methods deliver a quick, short-term effect – the more permanent, long term effects are a different thing entirely. It is quite easy to become rather despondent as the same anxieties and wants seem to spring-back at you once you have released them or questioned them.

The long-term effects of Releasing and Inquiry seem to be a lot more subtle than the life-changing goals that many of us were encouraged to pursue, through methods such as The Secret and The Law of Attraction or even Christian Word of Faith. We all want to achieve goals that provide us with visible, tangible feedback that we are loved and we are finally getting something right. We want the promotion and pay-rise at work to validate our hard work spent at the office, factory, shop or wherever. We want the $5000-through-releasing-only to let us know that our efforts with releasing are finally paying-off and to make us feel that bit more secure. We want to see some sort of landmark change in our lives, money, relationships, job-title or whatever, that lets us know that the latest spiritual or self-help method we have put so much time and energy into, actually works.

Positive Thinking versus Negative Thinking

The conclusion I have come to so far, after everything that I have learned up to this moment, is that what shapes the course of a person’s life in relation to how happy and confident they are and what they experience – all comes down to their thinking (positive or negative).

It is our beliefs, and therefore our thinking, which determines how rich or poor we will be, how effective we will be in relationships and how good we will be at making decisions. If you think positively – life will tend to go well for you; if you think negatively – life will tend to be one big drama. There has been a lot of self-help books published on the subject of positive thinking. There has also been a great deal of emphasis in charismatic Christian circles on positive thinking from a Biblical perspective.

It was around 1994 when I first read the book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy. It was this book which started my spiritual journey and it changed my perspective on how we influence the way in which we relate to, and experience, life.

I have struggled to implement the positive thinking and affirmation techniques that were presented by self-help and Christian teaching. A lot of the time I was just trying to avoid negative circumstances, influence other people and make things happen just the way I wanted them to. This just led to stress and a great deal of naivety and arrogance on my part, as I tried to live life on my own terms – as if I knew what was best for me. I came to understand the futility of positive thinking and affirmations, as I realised that I had no tenacity to keep going with them and my efforts felt coaxed and unnatural.

I have found that the most fundamental need in the life of a person, regardless of their beliefs, is the need to be free from his own negative thinking. I have found through releasing and inquiry that it is a person’s contraction around a thought, a belief, which causes the stress, confusion and suffering in their life. Without that contraction around a thought – they would be free to experience life to the full; they would be more confident, happy and spontaneous without those thoughts that seem to weight them down. Also, without contraction around beliefs, there is a sense of inner peace, clarity of mind which is conducive to drawing upon wisdom and making good decisions.

I have found that to a great extent, life just does itself, when we are no longer holding onto beliefs and trying to control our lives with our minds. Without the stress created by our own thoughts, we can be free to live life with peace and happiness. This does not mean that we will no longer experience “bad” circumstances. But I do believe that freedom from contraction around beliefs is by far the best way to attract positive circumstances into our lives. Therefore, there is a need, especially for anxiety sufferers, to be free of the contraction around beliefs.

I have found that inquiry through The Work of Byron Katie has been the simplest and most effective means of becoming free of the tyranny of our own beliefs.

Christianity and Inquiry

I have been wondering to myself what the purpose of this blog really is. After some thought I would say that it is all about making a case for people using releasing through The Sedona Method or The Release Technique/Abundance Course and inquiry through The Work. After using both methods now for around 2 years now, I tend to use Inquiry more than releasing.

I particularly want to make a case for Christians using these methods. The typical Christian carries around so much religious baggage and concepts, which makes them refuse to do anything like release and inquiry – typically dismissing such methods as “New Age”. But I am adamant that Inquiry has its place in the life of the Christian. I have even made an attempt to find Bible verses which attest this conviction.

The Grace Message

I have been through various different “phases” or “seasons” in my Christian journey. I’ve experienced the manipulation, fads and formulas; I’ve made financial offerings to the church with the promise of wealth, I’ve prayed incessantly for “revival”, I’ve experienced healing miracles and I’ve feared that I might have lost my salvation more times than I can count. The religious oppression or rituals and rules eventually led me to what is now knows as the “grace message”. This grace message veers away from rule keeping and focuses on God’s love for us and how Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins. Now, instead of trying to gain God’s approval through our good deeds and behaviour – we are to rest in the finished work of the cross.

I recently wrote some entries in my Christian blog The Divine Nature which I feel provide a summary of my journey into the Christian “grace message” so far:

Grace Origins…How It All Started

Grace Elements…Righteousness and No-condemnation

Grace Elements… Unionist Teaching

Grace Elements… Free Believers / Anti-I.C.

A New Found Freedom

I also have a list of links to various Christian teachers and preachers who teach this grace message on the Grace Preachers List.

The interesting thing is that if I had not come to this “grace message”, I would not have even considered anything along the lines of releasing and inquiry. It is only the grace message which paves the way for releasing and inquiry. If a Christian is “law-oriented” rather than “grace-oriented” – there is no way they would even consider releasing and inquiry. When I think about it now, the Christian grace message, releasing and inquiry have only become popular in recent years. The form of self-inquiry known as The Work, has not been around all that long at all. I know that releasing was discovered about thirty years ago, but the Sedona Method basic course, in CD and book form, has not been around for all that long.

For Such a Time as This

There is a Bible verse, Esther 4:14, which ends with the statement, “for such a time as this.” It just makes me think that everything I’ve experienced in my life so far has been for this moment I now experience. Even all the difficult times and the so-called “mistakes” I’ve made – it’s all been for such a time as this. There has never been a time in history when the Christian message has been so pure and undefiled by man-made religious oppression and manipulation, together with the incredible methods of releasing and inquiry. Releasing and inquiry provide tools for self-improvement and self-realisation which, I believe, are unparalleled. Furthermore, without the freedom of what is now known in Christian circles as “The Grace Message”, there is no way that I would have ever gone near releasing or inquiry techniques.

The Misunderstood God

As I have mentioned in my Grace Elements series – there are different facets of the Christian grace message which different Bible teachers and Christians focus on: some focus on correcting a misinterpretation of the Bible and use Bible verses to do so. Other people focus more on the “essence” of the Gospel, without quoting Bible verses. This focus on the “essence” of the Gospel, also seeks to address the frustration and anger of the manipulation of the institutional church. My favourite blog which focuses on the “essence” of the Gospel is The Free Believers Network. I recommend the book, The Misunderstood God, by Darin Hufford, founder of The Free Believers Network, which aims to correct the misunderstanding Christians have about God, in relation to His love for us.

Rosie O’Donnell Interview With Byron Katie

Talk-show maven Rosie O’Donnell, who has been chosen to be on Oprah’s new network, interviewed Byron Katie on her Sirius XM talk show last week. This is an hour and a half of audio in eight parts.

The first part has 2:36 seconds of Rosie singing before she gets to the interview, so forward the video to 2 minutes 36.

http://sandralenington.com/blog/interview/rosie-talks-to-byron-katie/

There are also some other interesting self-help and The Work related links on the website.