Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 4

Misconceptions about Relationships

In his book, Mastering Your Emotions, Colin Dye points out that the core human wants are security, significance and self-worth; the most common ways that people try to fulfil these wants are through people, power and possessions.

It is common amongst neurotics to look to other people to make them feel secure, happy and loved. Human beings have been created to enjoy relationships with one another – there is no getting away from that. But we can only expect to get out of relationships, what we are able to bring to them. It goes without saying that if you are selfish and looking to other people to validate you and make a fuss about you – you are not going to be all that popular. But if you look to what you can bring to a relationship and you are able to make the effort to bring joy, sincerity and encouragement to others – you will enjoy relationships and will be popular.

From my own experience of being neurotic, I know what it is like when anxiety holds you in its grasp: it is difficult to not be self-absorbed when you are desperately trying to figure things out and reacting badly to negative circumstances. There is a direct link with the way we think and the circumstances we attract in our lives: if you are positive-minded, you tend to attract positive circumstances, whilst if you are negative-minded you tend to attract negative circumstances. It is this natural law upon which the Law of Attraction and positive thinking is based.

If a person finds that negative things tend to happen in their lives, or they have a lack of good things happening to them, they inevitably and instinctively, attempt to figure things out. Anxiety is the result of frantically trying to figure out what is happening in your life, why bad things always seem to happen, why good things never seem to happen and what you can do to attract good things and avoid the bad. This incessant worrying arises from the subconscious mind into the conscious mind, and therefore, is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to consciously control.

This explains one of the reasons why anxiety sufferers struggle in relationships: their mind is so focused on themselves that they are unable to focus for very long on the people in their life. This self-absorption consumes a lot of time and energy, which saps a person and contributes towards feelings of depression. The lacklustre personality of a depressed person is not conducive towards establishing good, strong, effective relationships.

The term “selfish” and “self-centred” is often reserved as an accusation: a tern that is used to prompt a person to change their ways through intimidation. But if we forget about the accusatory context for the moment - “selfish” and “self-centred” perfectly describe anxious, insecure people who are absorbed in trying to figure things out and control their lives.

Unfortunately, the human mind is cunning and devious, it will use all sorts of subtle and elaborate tactics to protect itself – these are called self-defence mechanisms. One of these self-defence mechanisms is projection, whereby you accuse the other person of the very issue you have yourself. For example, a self-centred person could accuse their partner of being selfish – when it is that person making the accusation who is selfish.

This form of deception is something that arises time and again during sessions of The Work. This is why it is important to use inquiry in the area of relationships, before using affirmations to attract friends and a lover into your life.