Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 5

Misconceptions about Relationships (Continued)

What commonly happens is that when a person falls in love with a member of the opposite sex, they assume that it is the presence of the other person which has brought peace and joy into their life. The truth of the matter is that the other person had very little to do with bringing that experience of love to them – that love is something that they experienced inside them self. The other person might have been a catalyst for the experience of love, but certainly not the cause. This misconception brings a lot of confusion and causes some people to obsess over another person who they love, or have loved in the past; they believe that it is the other person who was responsible for giving them that love. Most pop songs are written along this theme of seeing the person you love as being the source of your happiness.

I believe that the more positive-minded and secure a person is, the more they are likely to discover love within themselves – independently of other people. So when people such as this enter into a romantic relationship – they are not overly dependant on the other person and they don’t look to the other person as being their source of happiness.

In the case of a negative-minded, insecure person, they are likely to look to the person they love as being the source of their identity, peace and joy. This leads to an unhealthy dependence and devotion to the other person, which might be flattering at first, but soon becomes annoying. So when their partner is not around, the insecure person will feel insecure, sad, isolated and confused.

As I said before, positive-minded secure people tend to be happier, more outgoing, get along better with other people, make better decisions and even attract more positive circumstances. Therefore, it often becomes a major goal in the life of the neurotic to somehow get one of these positive people into their life. The idea is that the stronger partner will help to uplift and encourage the weaker one; after some time, this positivity might “rub-off” onto the negative partner.

But what could also happen is that the negativity of the weaker partner starts to “rub-off” on the stronger one, who then starts to feel the strain of the relationship. The weaker partner becomes a hindrance to the stronger one, becoming needy and always fishing for compliments; shying away from making decisions and looking to the more level-headed partner to make all the decisions. The sheer selfishness, laziness, messiness and disorganisation of the weaker partner just becomes more than the stronger partner can bear.

There are many confident women who might give the impression that their ideal partner is a man they can dominate – but I believe that all women, regardless of how confident they are and how much they crave control, desire a confident man who will naturally take the lead in the relationship.

Attracting a partner into your life has a lot to do with self-esteem as well. It seems to be a common assumption that the more good looking your partner is, the more he or she will delight you and the more respect you will earn from other people. There is often a concern that an average looking partner would not stimulate you and would eventually bore you. But we need to consider the fact that love is not just skin-deep and that it is chiefly the personality of a person which engages your mind and senses and keeps you attracted to a person.

There seems to be a stigma attached to being single, once you have reached a certain point in early adulthood. The negative mind can derive all sorts of negative beliefs from prolonged single hood: you are not good enough, you are unattractive, and nobody likes you and so on. Again, these are all issues which find their root in a low self-esteem. I feel that in order to enjoy any kind of relationship – it is essential to first develop self-esteem. Otherwise, you might find that your relationships are a struggle. I think that many first or second marriages are nothing more than preparation for the proper, long-term relationship that awaits them.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 4

Misconceptions about Relationships

In his book, Mastering Your Emotions, Colin Dye points out that the core human wants are security, significance and self-worth; the most common ways that people try to fulfil these wants are through people, power and possessions.

It is common amongst neurotics to look to other people to make them feel secure, happy and loved. Human beings have been created to enjoy relationships with one another – there is no getting away from that. But we can only expect to get out of relationships, what we are able to bring to them. It goes without saying that if you are selfish and looking to other people to validate you and make a fuss about you – you are not going to be all that popular. But if you look to what you can bring to a relationship and you are able to make the effort to bring joy, sincerity and encouragement to others – you will enjoy relationships and will be popular.

From my own experience of being neurotic, I know what it is like when anxiety holds you in its grasp: it is difficult to not be self-absorbed when you are desperately trying to figure things out and reacting badly to negative circumstances. There is a direct link with the way we think and the circumstances we attract in our lives: if you are positive-minded, you tend to attract positive circumstances, whilst if you are negative-minded you tend to attract negative circumstances. It is this natural law upon which the Law of Attraction and positive thinking is based.

If a person finds that negative things tend to happen in their lives, or they have a lack of good things happening to them, they inevitably and instinctively, attempt to figure things out. Anxiety is the result of frantically trying to figure out what is happening in your life, why bad things always seem to happen, why good things never seem to happen and what you can do to attract good things and avoid the bad. This incessant worrying arises from the subconscious mind into the conscious mind, and therefore, is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to consciously control.

This explains one of the reasons why anxiety sufferers struggle in relationships: their mind is so focused on themselves that they are unable to focus for very long on the people in their life. This self-absorption consumes a lot of time and energy, which saps a person and contributes towards feelings of depression. The lacklustre personality of a depressed person is not conducive towards establishing good, strong, effective relationships.

The term “selfish” and “self-centred” is often reserved as an accusation: a tern that is used to prompt a person to change their ways through intimidation. But if we forget about the accusatory context for the moment - “selfish” and “self-centred” perfectly describe anxious, insecure people who are absorbed in trying to figure things out and control their lives.

Unfortunately, the human mind is cunning and devious, it will use all sorts of subtle and elaborate tactics to protect itself – these are called self-defence mechanisms. One of these self-defence mechanisms is projection, whereby you accuse the other person of the very issue you have yourself. For example, a self-centred person could accuse their partner of being selfish – when it is that person making the accusation who is selfish.

This form of deception is something that arises time and again during sessions of The Work. This is why it is important to use inquiry in the area of relationships, before using affirmations to attract friends and a lover into your life.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 3

Obsessing Over Fantasies

I have found from my observation of others and from my own introspection, that the more insecure a person is, the more fixated they become on specific expectations; it is these specific expectations which they believe will be the thing that will define their life. Insecure people say, “I’ll be happy when”, or, “I’ll be happy if.” “If” and “when” in this context might never, ever happen! You really do need to be able to enjoy life right now – regardless of your life circumstances.

This does not mean that nothing good will ever happen to you or that you need to be stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of your life. No, what I’m talking about here is the need for the right focus. If your focus is on having a positive attitude and doing the best you can where you are now – I believe that your future will be bright and your life will eventually steer towards something good. But I think we can get stuck when we anxiously try to control our circumstances and divert our attention from the job at hand to some desired future.

You could convince yourself that you’ll only be happy when you get married – but there are loads of miserable married couples all over the world. You could convince yourself that you will only be happy when you are rich – but there are rich people in the world who are so depressed they are contemplating suicide!

There seems to be an attribute of fear that seems to lead to narrowness of mind. Fear can have the effect of giving a person “tunnel vision”: where they only see the circumstances in front of them which seem to threaten their security and peace of mind. When people thus become “blinkered” by fear – they often fail to see and appreciate the wonderful opportunities that are around them; they fail to see the “light at the end of the tunnel”.

Anxious people latch onto things that they believe will make their life wonderful. It is for this reason that the amazing anecdotes that motivation speakers, self-help gurus and evangelists tell their followers – are not always helpful. The more fixated a person becomes; the less flexible they are to the changes occurring around them. Then, if something happens that they don’t expect or want – they can feel as if their life is falling apart (when it isn’t).

Rather than seeking some landmark event which you feel will signify the turnaround point of your life – you need to start making the most of where you are in life here and now. I cannot help but feel that what is more important than focusing on some external thing to make you feel secure and happy – is the formation of positive beliefs, finding happiness and confidence within yourself. I would rather develop solidness of character than work towards ushering in some incredible, landmark event.

Even if some marvellous, one-off thing occurs in your life, such as winning the lottery – would you have the wisdom, maturity, peace of mind and happiness in order to really make the most of your life from that moment on?

A positive mind and solidness of character is the best thing you could ever have in the world. When you have that winning personality, you tend to attract good people in your life; you tend to make good decisions that lead to positive experiences. Otherwise, you might find yourself reacting badly to the poor decisions that you make, thereby making even more poor decisions as you try in vain to escape the negative experiences that poor decisions in the past have landed you in.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 2

For me, like many other people, I am tempted to feel that affirmations are a total waste of time and effort. The reasons for me taking this stance is because of the manipulation behind it all – the unrealistic promises that were used as a marketing tool to get me to buy those people’s teaching materials.

Removing Limitations

I do, however, understand the good purpose in giving people incredible testimonies of how people overcame seemingly impossible odds in order to achieve something wonderful. I think there is a need to take away the limitations people set on themselves and other people. There is a need to get away from setting boundaries on our field of expectation. We need to get away from thinking, “Well, I can do this but I can’t do that.” There is a need to stop this futile practice of imposing limitations upon ourselves. Heart-warming stories of incredible perseverance and bravery do have the effect of broadening our horizons and making the obstacles in front of us transform from mountains into molehills.

But I also feel there is a need for balance. It is all well and good to hear a tale about how someone walked across the Gobi desert or swam the English Channel – but how do these incredible stories stack-up against your own, average life?

I would say that most people just need to find unconditional love, peace and joy from within; they need to be able to make the most of their relationships; people need to put in the time and effort to maintain a good level of physical health and fitness; there is a need to maintain fulfilling hobbies and interests.

Rather than seeking to do some way-out, incredible, one-off achievement – wouldn’t it be infinitely better to just become a better “you” in the everyday things that you face in your life right now? I don’t know about you, but I can’t see where walking the Gobi desert or swimming the English Channel really fits into that frame.

The more solid a character you are, content in what you have, the happier you will be, the more effective you will be in relationships, and the better life will go for you in general. Just by having a good character, there is no guarantee that you will avoid negative circumstances, but I think that a good character and positive belief system will prepare you for anything that life will throw at you and make you more able to overcome those challenges; also, the more positive and true your belief system is, the more likely you are to avoid the poor decisions that typically lead to unwanted, negative circumstances.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 1

Affirmations don’t work because they do not get to the underlying causes of a person’s neurosis.

Advocates of The Sedona Method and The Work seem to both acknowledge that it is not a good idea to layer positive thoughts on top of negative ones. It is better to actually pay attention to the anxious thoughts with a view to letting them go through The Sedona Method or questioning them through The Work. In fact, it is this discovery that often leads a person to either one of these two self-help methods; it is almost as if affirmations serve as an introduction to The Sedona Method or The Work.

Escapism and Unrealistic Expectations

Now that I look back on affirmations with hindsight I can see that I tried to use them as a form of escapism: I tried to create a perfect future by controlling my thoughts about it in the present. This seems to be a common trend amongst self-help gurus, who encourage their followers to envisage a perfect self in a perfect future, were there will be no more problems, only happiness and nice things. I think this is one of the ways in which you can know that you are off course in your use of affirmations. Any system that emphasises the destination more than the journey will definitely get you off-track.

I think visualisation is even worse because it encourages neurotics to fantasise about things in their mind. I am flabbergasted that these self-help and spiritual gurus who are trusted by thousands of people all over the world, make absolutely no allowance whatsoever for the neurotic mindset. Surely, they must be aware that there will be people with serious mental and emotional issues who are more than likely to go off on a tangent with their teaching?

The thing that makes such teaching so misleading is the way that they always seem to use totally extreme, out of the ordinary anecdotes to get their message across. People are told that they can perform miracles, they can do the impossible and they can be rich beyond their wildest dreams. What people don’t realise is that the likelihood is that they aren’t ever going to live the millionaire playboy lifestyle they fantasise about – they are much more likely to live in an average house, with an average looking partner, doing an average nine-to-five job.

It seems to me that the more insecure a person is the more frustrated, disappointed and anxious they will be. “Everyday life” is like a swear-word to these people – it seems to be too disappointing or difficult for them to cope with. Therefore, they are prone to creating some sort of elaborate fantasy to escape from it all. I don’t mind the concept of making the most of life and being good and effective at what you do, or even being successful and prosperous. But I take issue with the way in which self-help and spiritual gurus actively encourage fantasy amongst vulnerable neurotics who need professional help: they need balance and the right kind of encouragement more than they need to be told they can become outrageously wealthy – if they follow a certain set of steps.

I’m not speaking from mere speculation here – I have been in that position as an anxiety sufferer myself, so I know what it is like. It took me many years of frustration, disappointment and empty promises to finally come out of that mental and emotional condition and finally get my feet on solid ground. You see, that is the inevitable conclusion in the pursuit of unrealistic expectations: eventually, after years of putting lots of time and effort into this kind of stuff, you will end-up feeling defeated, depressed and deceived.

When the Work Doesn’t Seem to Work – Part 2

Despite the short-term evidence that Releasing and Inquiry works, there can be an inevitable disappointment with these methods, because they might not deliver the landmark, life-changing goals that we have been primed to expect. I find that I often seem to have a reluctance to use Releasing and Inquiry; I believe it all comes down to this lack of tangible evidence in the form of life-changing goals. It’s only when I finally get myself to release or inquire, and I experience the familiar and much-needed sense of relief, that I once again become encouraged to continue my efforts with these methods.

I am tempted to feel that the last two years or so of Releasing and Inquiry have yielded no benefit to me at all. But I also feel that this is not quite true: whilst I don’t seem to have fulfilled a single life-changing goal as yet, since I began using Releasing and Inquiry, I cannot deny the fact that there have been some beneficial changes. The changes are rather more subtle than the way-out, amazing, miraculous testimonies that make the latest self-help book so popular.

I admit that I do get frustrated and disappointed quite a lot and I wonder why I bother with Releasing and Inquiry. But when I compare myself now with myself two years ago – there has been a positive change. I seem to be doing a lot better in my job than I used to; I also seem to be a lot more enthusiastic in the workplace too. Whilst I don’t yet have that promotion that I’ve been striving to attain for numerous years – I do feel a lot closer to it now. There are quite a lot of things that I used to worry about in the past which I notice I no longer worry about. In fact, I do seem to be a lot more at peace nowadays than I used to be, although, I do still have regular bouts of anxiety and despondency.

In the past I derived my sense of hope from the fantasies that were established by the extravagant promises of charismatic spiritual leaders. I am now in a place whereby I can see the futility of those fantasies. Now, I would much rather take solace in the tangible reality of the subtle gains which I have made so far. These subtle gains might not be the stuff of popular self-help and motivational books – but at least they are real for me – I know which one I would rather have!

I truly am adamant that the best goal you can ever have is to maintain peace of mind: everything else, I feel, flows from there. You really cannot go further than peace: if you are in a constant state of anxiety, you really cannot achieve much in this life and you are likely to experience one drama after another. Even when you attain peace of mind, there is no guarantee that everything is going to be “plain sailing” from here. However, with peace of mind you know that you are in the best condition you can be in, in order to receive the best that life, God or the Universe has to offer you at this moment in time.

When the Work Doesn’t Seem to Work – Part 1

I would say that after many years of pursuing spiritual development and using various self-help methods, I have to admit that The Work of Byron Katie seems to be the most effective method I have encountered so far.

I have experienced the disappointment that inevitably results when a charismatic, writer, speaker or spiritual leader gives people amazing anecdotes, formulas and principles – which don’t seem to work for me.

Self help methods such as The Work and The Sedona Method take a different approach to the typical affirmation based methods, which promise wealth, power and control over ones life circumstances. Most people come to The Work and The Sedona Method after spending years pursuing popular self-help and spiritual pursuits, which promise the attainment of goals, but do not deliver. There is an inevitable sense of frustration when a person finally comes to the point whereby they realise that these attractive principles and formulas just don’t work. But this point of frustration and disappointment can be a great place to be in that they graduate from wrong motives and ideals. It’s at this point that a person can begin to wholeheartedly and passionately embrace Releasing or Inquiry.

When a person begins to see the value of Releasing or Inquiry, the sense of disappointment that previous spiritual pursuits brought, can give way to a sense of relief as they finally realise the sheer value of making the attainment of peace their only goal.

The great thing about Releasing and Inquiry is that once you grasp the basics, you find that you are able to experience results almost immediately. However, whilst these methods deliver a quick, short-term effect – the more permanent, long term effects are a different thing entirely. It is quite easy to become rather despondent as the same anxieties and wants seem to spring-back at you once you have released them or questioned them.

The long-term effects of Releasing and Inquiry seem to be a lot more subtle than the life-changing goals that many of us were encouraged to pursue, through methods such as The Secret and The Law of Attraction or even Christian Word of Faith. We all want to achieve goals that provide us with visible, tangible feedback that we are loved and we are finally getting something right. We want the promotion and pay-rise at work to validate our hard work spent at the office, factory, shop or wherever. We want the $5000-through-releasing-only to let us know that our efforts with releasing are finally paying-off and to make us feel that bit more secure. We want to see some sort of landmark change in our lives, money, relationships, job-title or whatever, that lets us know that the latest spiritual or self-help method we have put so much time and energy into, actually works.