Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 8

The Misnomer of Goal-Setting (Continued)

I suppose people look to some sort of achievement in order to prove something to themselves and others. There’s a famous Bible verse, James 2:20 that says, “Faith without works is dead.” This verse has been used for years to intimidate Christians into doing all sorts of benevolent acts in, or through, the church. The idea is that if you had faith then you would do this or that. This puts a guilt-trip on church members to use their own effort to do things they wouldn’t normally be inclined to do. What I have witnessed time and again is the fact that a person can behave a certain way; perhaps perform acts of charity – despite lacking the sort of character that is conducive to such acts. You could say that some people do all the right things, but for the wrong reasons.

One of the analogies that I’ve read in various self-help books is that of the mind of a positive, prosperous, successful and healthy person being swapped with that of a negative, poor, unsuccessful and unhealthy poor person. It would only be a matter of time before the life of the positive person would become run down, everything that he work hard to build, such as relationships, wealth and a thriving business – would deteriorate.

Conversely, the life of the negative person would inevitably turnaround – his relationships would improve and he would attract new people; his finances would also improve as he starts to make good investments and becomes more frugal; his health would also improve as he cuts down on his unhealthy indulgences and makes an effort to keep himself in shape.

This is all hypothetical of course, even if the technology was present to perform such a mind-transplant, there’s no guarantee of precisely what the effect would be. But at least this gives a rather compelling portrait of what could happen and demonstrates the point that it is indeed the mind that governs the condition of a person’s life – not the other way around.

So having said all of this, I would say that a person’s focus should shift from attracting big-ticket items and large sums of money – to the development of positivity and character. You can’t wait until you have or do this or that until you will be happy – life starts right now – the quality of that life depends on how you think. There’s not always a lot we can do about our present circumstances – despite what the self-help gurus tell us. But you can do something about your beliefs, attitudes and feelings – right where you are in life now. It is your beliefs and attitudes that determine whether things will go well for you or not in the future; it is your beliefs and attitudes that determine whether you will be happy and make the most of things or if you will be miserable and give up.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 7

The Misnomer of Goal-Setting

It is a common misconception to look at something you could have, be or do as meaning that you have attained some level of achievement – that you have overcome some sort of limitation or bugbear in your life. It’s as if that landmark achievement is attributed meaning that it simply does not deserve.

Typically, a person might look to a promotion and pay-rise to mean that all their financial woes are now over with; or a person might somehow look to the attainment of a certain material thing, such as an expensive house and car, to mean that they have what it takes to be successful in life.

Basically, we can look at other people, their possessions, relationships, achievements and titles as representing some sort of level of prowess, quality or ability that we desire to possess. It is true that in order for a person to attain a certain status or level of ability, they do indeed need to maintain a certain level of confidence, intelligence and ability.

But I’m inclined to believe that we often attribute more to these things than they deserve. After all, a neighbour might own your dream car, seem to have an ideal marriage, have a great job and own all the latest gadgets. But little do you know that that family could be heavily in debt, the man might be on the brink of redundancy, the couple could be arguing behind closed doors and be considering divorce – you really don’t know. We have heard people say time and again that money doesn’t make you happy – it is true – you could have a high salary figure and bank balance, yet be taking medication for depression.

Even if a person wins the lottery or inherits a substantial amount of money from a wealthy relative – it does not do a lot to change who they are on the inside. If you win the lottery and you lack confidence and self-esteem – guess what? You are highly likely to lack confidence and self-esteem even when you receive your prize. If you have an unpleasant, abrasive personality and struggle to get along with others – you will more than likely be exactly the same even if a rich relative dies and names you as the main beneficiary of the estate.

It’s as if you look to that fantastic achievement to mean that you are okay now and that good things will happen to you – which simply might not be the case. Many of the things that people desire in life require hard work, determination, wisdom, ability, inspiration and confidence; there is also likely to be a need to get along well with others, to be kind, considerate, warm, and friendly and to be a good communicator. These are the kind of qualities that everyone should aspire to.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 6

“Amazing” and “Brilliant”

If a person lacks solidness of character and soundness of judgement, they might be inclined to think that they have to be brilliant at something and achieve something amazing. I don’t think there is ever a need for most people to do anything that could be considered amazing, or to be brilliant at something. For one thing, define “brilliant” and define “amazing” – they are just words and they represent standards which we enforce on ourselves and others.

Affirmations can be used to tell yourself that you achieve something amazing and that you are brilliant at this or that. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, which lead to frustration and a sense of failure.

“Good” and “Effective”

I think the key words here are good and effective: I believe that there is only ever a need to be good and effective in everything that you do. If you think about it for a moment, all you are ever expected to do in all circumstances of your life, is to be good and effective. This could apply to your job, relationships, hobbies – in fact, anything whatsoever!

If you are good and effective at something – the sky is the limit! You might find that as you prove your trustworthiness and capability in your current responsibilities – you are given increasingly more responsibility. Eventually, after some time, you might find that you have been promoted up the corporate ladder. After some time of being good and effective at what you do – you could find that what you are good and effective at now, is a lot more than what you were good and effective at a few years ago.

This situation reminds me of Byron Katie’s common response to the belief that we need more money. Katie often responds with, “How can you have more money that you already have?” She’s got a point – if you think about it. Similarly, how can you be better at doing a certain thing than you already are? Constantly telling yourself that you need to be better, or brilliant, at this or that will get you hoping for something you can never attain at that moment. Such thinking is a recipe for anxiety.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 5

Misconceptions about Relationships (Continued)

What commonly happens is that when a person falls in love with a member of the opposite sex, they assume that it is the presence of the other person which has brought peace and joy into their life. The truth of the matter is that the other person had very little to do with bringing that experience of love to them – that love is something that they experienced inside them self. The other person might have been a catalyst for the experience of love, but certainly not the cause. This misconception brings a lot of confusion and causes some people to obsess over another person who they love, or have loved in the past; they believe that it is the other person who was responsible for giving them that love. Most pop songs are written along this theme of seeing the person you love as being the source of your happiness.

I believe that the more positive-minded and secure a person is, the more they are likely to discover love within themselves – independently of other people. So when people such as this enter into a romantic relationship – they are not overly dependant on the other person and they don’t look to the other person as being their source of happiness.

In the case of a negative-minded, insecure person, they are likely to look to the person they love as being the source of their identity, peace and joy. This leads to an unhealthy dependence and devotion to the other person, which might be flattering at first, but soon becomes annoying. So when their partner is not around, the insecure person will feel insecure, sad, isolated and confused.

As I said before, positive-minded secure people tend to be happier, more outgoing, get along better with other people, make better decisions and even attract more positive circumstances. Therefore, it often becomes a major goal in the life of the neurotic to somehow get one of these positive people into their life. The idea is that the stronger partner will help to uplift and encourage the weaker one; after some time, this positivity might “rub-off” onto the negative partner.

But what could also happen is that the negativity of the weaker partner starts to “rub-off” on the stronger one, who then starts to feel the strain of the relationship. The weaker partner becomes a hindrance to the stronger one, becoming needy and always fishing for compliments; shying away from making decisions and looking to the more level-headed partner to make all the decisions. The sheer selfishness, laziness, messiness and disorganisation of the weaker partner just becomes more than the stronger partner can bear.

There are many confident women who might give the impression that their ideal partner is a man they can dominate – but I believe that all women, regardless of how confident they are and how much they crave control, desire a confident man who will naturally take the lead in the relationship.

Attracting a partner into your life has a lot to do with self-esteem as well. It seems to be a common assumption that the more good looking your partner is, the more he or she will delight you and the more respect you will earn from other people. There is often a concern that an average looking partner would not stimulate you and would eventually bore you. But we need to consider the fact that love is not just skin-deep and that it is chiefly the personality of a person which engages your mind and senses and keeps you attracted to a person.

There seems to be a stigma attached to being single, once you have reached a certain point in early adulthood. The negative mind can derive all sorts of negative beliefs from prolonged single hood: you are not good enough, you are unattractive, and nobody likes you and so on. Again, these are all issues which find their root in a low self-esteem. I feel that in order to enjoy any kind of relationship – it is essential to first develop self-esteem. Otherwise, you might find that your relationships are a struggle. I think that many first or second marriages are nothing more than preparation for the proper, long-term relationship that awaits them.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 4

Misconceptions about Relationships

In his book, Mastering Your Emotions, Colin Dye points out that the core human wants are security, significance and self-worth; the most common ways that people try to fulfil these wants are through people, power and possessions.

It is common amongst neurotics to look to other people to make them feel secure, happy and loved. Human beings have been created to enjoy relationships with one another – there is no getting away from that. But we can only expect to get out of relationships, what we are able to bring to them. It goes without saying that if you are selfish and looking to other people to validate you and make a fuss about you – you are not going to be all that popular. But if you look to what you can bring to a relationship and you are able to make the effort to bring joy, sincerity and encouragement to others – you will enjoy relationships and will be popular.

From my own experience of being neurotic, I know what it is like when anxiety holds you in its grasp: it is difficult to not be self-absorbed when you are desperately trying to figure things out and reacting badly to negative circumstances. There is a direct link with the way we think and the circumstances we attract in our lives: if you are positive-minded, you tend to attract positive circumstances, whilst if you are negative-minded you tend to attract negative circumstances. It is this natural law upon which the Law of Attraction and positive thinking is based.

If a person finds that negative things tend to happen in their lives, or they have a lack of good things happening to them, they inevitably and instinctively, attempt to figure things out. Anxiety is the result of frantically trying to figure out what is happening in your life, why bad things always seem to happen, why good things never seem to happen and what you can do to attract good things and avoid the bad. This incessant worrying arises from the subconscious mind into the conscious mind, and therefore, is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to consciously control.

This explains one of the reasons why anxiety sufferers struggle in relationships: their mind is so focused on themselves that they are unable to focus for very long on the people in their life. This self-absorption consumes a lot of time and energy, which saps a person and contributes towards feelings of depression. The lacklustre personality of a depressed person is not conducive towards establishing good, strong, effective relationships.

The term “selfish” and “self-centred” is often reserved as an accusation: a tern that is used to prompt a person to change their ways through intimidation. But if we forget about the accusatory context for the moment - “selfish” and “self-centred” perfectly describe anxious, insecure people who are absorbed in trying to figure things out and control their lives.

Unfortunately, the human mind is cunning and devious, it will use all sorts of subtle and elaborate tactics to protect itself – these are called self-defence mechanisms. One of these self-defence mechanisms is projection, whereby you accuse the other person of the very issue you have yourself. For example, a self-centred person could accuse their partner of being selfish – when it is that person making the accusation who is selfish.

This form of deception is something that arises time and again during sessions of The Work. This is why it is important to use inquiry in the area of relationships, before using affirmations to attract friends and a lover into your life.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 3

Obsessing Over Fantasies

I have found from my observation of others and from my own introspection, that the more insecure a person is, the more fixated they become on specific expectations; it is these specific expectations which they believe will be the thing that will define their life. Insecure people say, “I’ll be happy when”, or, “I’ll be happy if.” “If” and “when” in this context might never, ever happen! You really do need to be able to enjoy life right now – regardless of your life circumstances.

This does not mean that nothing good will ever happen to you or that you need to be stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of your life. No, what I’m talking about here is the need for the right focus. If your focus is on having a positive attitude and doing the best you can where you are now – I believe that your future will be bright and your life will eventually steer towards something good. But I think we can get stuck when we anxiously try to control our circumstances and divert our attention from the job at hand to some desired future.

You could convince yourself that you’ll only be happy when you get married – but there are loads of miserable married couples all over the world. You could convince yourself that you will only be happy when you are rich – but there are rich people in the world who are so depressed they are contemplating suicide!

There seems to be an attribute of fear that seems to lead to narrowness of mind. Fear can have the effect of giving a person “tunnel vision”: where they only see the circumstances in front of them which seem to threaten their security and peace of mind. When people thus become “blinkered” by fear – they often fail to see and appreciate the wonderful opportunities that are around them; they fail to see the “light at the end of the tunnel”.

Anxious people latch onto things that they believe will make their life wonderful. It is for this reason that the amazing anecdotes that motivation speakers, self-help gurus and evangelists tell their followers – are not always helpful. The more fixated a person becomes; the less flexible they are to the changes occurring around them. Then, if something happens that they don’t expect or want – they can feel as if their life is falling apart (when it isn’t).

Rather than seeking some landmark event which you feel will signify the turnaround point of your life – you need to start making the most of where you are in life here and now. I cannot help but feel that what is more important than focusing on some external thing to make you feel secure and happy – is the formation of positive beliefs, finding happiness and confidence within yourself. I would rather develop solidness of character than work towards ushering in some incredible, landmark event.

Even if some marvellous, one-off thing occurs in your life, such as winning the lottery – would you have the wisdom, maturity, peace of mind and happiness in order to really make the most of your life from that moment on?

A positive mind and solidness of character is the best thing you could ever have in the world. When you have that winning personality, you tend to attract good people in your life; you tend to make good decisions that lead to positive experiences. Otherwise, you might find yourself reacting badly to the poor decisions that you make, thereby making even more poor decisions as you try in vain to escape the negative experiences that poor decisions in the past have landed you in.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work – Part 2

For me, like many other people, I am tempted to feel that affirmations are a total waste of time and effort. The reasons for me taking this stance is because of the manipulation behind it all – the unrealistic promises that were used as a marketing tool to get me to buy those people’s teaching materials.

Removing Limitations

I do, however, understand the good purpose in giving people incredible testimonies of how people overcame seemingly impossible odds in order to achieve something wonderful. I think there is a need to take away the limitations people set on themselves and other people. There is a need to get away from setting boundaries on our field of expectation. We need to get away from thinking, “Well, I can do this but I can’t do that.” There is a need to stop this futile practice of imposing limitations upon ourselves. Heart-warming stories of incredible perseverance and bravery do have the effect of broadening our horizons and making the obstacles in front of us transform from mountains into molehills.

But I also feel there is a need for balance. It is all well and good to hear a tale about how someone walked across the Gobi desert or swam the English Channel – but how do these incredible stories stack-up against your own, average life?

I would say that most people just need to find unconditional love, peace and joy from within; they need to be able to make the most of their relationships; people need to put in the time and effort to maintain a good level of physical health and fitness; there is a need to maintain fulfilling hobbies and interests.

Rather than seeking to do some way-out, incredible, one-off achievement – wouldn’t it be infinitely better to just become a better “you” in the everyday things that you face in your life right now? I don’t know about you, but I can’t see where walking the Gobi desert or swimming the English Channel really fits into that frame.

The more solid a character you are, content in what you have, the happier you will be, the more effective you will be in relationships, and the better life will go for you in general. Just by having a good character, there is no guarantee that you will avoid negative circumstances, but I think that a good character and positive belief system will prepare you for anything that life will throw at you and make you more able to overcome those challenges; also, the more positive and true your belief system is, the more likely you are to avoid the poor decisions that typically lead to unwanted, negative circumstances.