The Love Factor – Part 2

Another thing about affirmations in general is that they do not consider right and wrong motive. There is an assumption in self-help circles that people know what they want and that their motives are genuine. There is this idea that whatever a person desires is something that they indeed should attain, and can attain, if they use the correct principles and formulas. There is therefore a need to be able to somehow discern what is genuine from our motives and to bring our desires into question in order to know what is right for us.

It is for this reason that I recommend using The Work of Byron Katie to question even your most precious, or even most convincing, goals and desires. Discovering and telling yourself that you actually can have a thing, is a powerful step towards finding peace. But also finding out and telling yourself that you actually don’t need that thing right now, is also a powerful step towards finding peace. Not surprisingly, you won’t see any affirmations that tell yourself that you don’t actually need those things that you desire the most – unless it is dealing with a habit, such as alcohol or smoking.

It is very frustrating when you feel that you are achieving a lot and doing a good job – only to find that someone who achieves less, but is more well liked (and perhaps more consistent) than you are – is appreciated and rewarded more. This is just one of the examples in which love is a significant factor.

In this example, Self-Talk directed solely towards achievement and performance, is only tackling part of the issue. So it seems that if Self-Talk is to be of any use, in some cases at least, there is a need for something more – there is a need for something which encourages and attracts love.

As I have said in recent blog entries, I have veered away from achievement of goals, towards the formation of character. This is because I believe that it is who you are on the inside that changes your environment: how you feel on the inside, how you relate to others, how others relate to you, what you achieve, how organised and efficient you are and your attitude towards things.

There are so many more examples that I could give in relation to love and character development versus achievement and attainment. You could have lots of friends, be surrounded by people you get on well with, yet feel terribly lonely. You could go on a date with an attractive member of the opposite sex, but lack the personality to sustain a worthwhile relationship. You could make a great effort to treat people with kindness, even perform acts of benevolence – yet be treated with rejection and hostility in return. You could achieve a major goal, perhaps go on the holiday of a lifetime, but if you don’t have love in your life – it won’t make you feel any better and it won’t change your life.

There seems to be a higher spiritual law in effect when it comes to love. This law of love is something that none of us can avoid and it affects every area of our lives. Love is the very essence of our higher nature, but it seems to depend a great deal on our beliefs and attitudes when it comes to how and when we allow it to work in our lives.

When it comes to what love actually is and how it expresses itself from our higher nature, I believe that First Corinthians 13:4-7 explains what it is:

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 nkjv

There seems to be so much more than accompanies love as well: joy, peace, intuition, vitality and so on.

If you are going to use Self-Talk or any other method of affirmations – I think it would be a good idea to include statements which encourage the development of the above qualities.

The Love Factor – Part 1

I’ve already mentioned in recent blog entries that I am inclined to believe that the best, most balanced approach to affirmations has to be that of Shad Helmstetter as presented in his books What to Say When You Talk to Yourself and The Self-Talk Solution.

Self-Talk seems to be like a pep-talk to me – but one that can actually re-program your subconscious mind with new, positive directives. It is all about changing your attitude from a negative one to a positive one. Self-Talk helps you to see things from a different perspective – a positive one; instead of telling yourself that you can’t do, be or have something – you tell yourself that you can.

So Self-Talk definitely seems to have its merits. I’m not entirely convinced, as yet, that it actually works – but I’m still optimistic and curious about it enough to stick with it and see what happens. But if Self-Talk works as well as the author says it does – it is worth giving it a go.

I like the fact that Self-Talk is balanced and realistic – there are no affirmations that tell you that you’re a millionaire or otherwise significantly wealthy. In fact, in amongst all the thirty or so Self-Talk scripts in the book The Self-Talk Solution, there are only about one or two scripts on the subject of money. This is likely to disappoint some, but I feel that the balance is right. After all, there’s more to life than money and there’s more to making money than just telling yourself that you have it. Some of the Self-Talk scripts in this book cover specific areas, such as losing weight or quitting smoking, whilst others are about believing in yourself and being motivated. But it is all stuff that I think most people could believe and accept.

But now that I read the Self-Talk scripts, there seems to be something missing. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety to one extent or another – but the last 15 years or so has been rather difficult. I would say that the past 15 years have taught me what love is, ironically, by experiencing what life is like without it. In fact, a distinct lack of love has probably been the root cause of my depression and anxiety in the first place.

What often motivates people to use affirmations, goal-setting and other self-help principles and formulas – is the promise of fulfilment and happiness, often through the achievement and attainment of things. There seems to be a direct connection in our minds between what we have or do, with how we feel on the inside. We have literally become programmed to see achievement and the attainment of money and material goods, as being the measure of how good we feel on the inside. We have just learned to believe that if we can just find the formula to get and do the things we need – all of those things that we associate with love, will inevitably accompany those achievements.

I find that what life has shown me is that a lot of the time, what I have or do has very little to do with how I feel emotionally. There are so many misnomers in life which have us striving for all the things we think will make us happy, when all along, they don’t have a great deal to do with our mental and emotionally well-being.

A classic example of this concept is the workaholic who works hard in the office in the hope of advancement and a sense of personal satisfaction. Little does this person realise that no matter how hard you work, if people don’t have a good opinion of you, it could achieve a lot less than you expect it to. It is quite possible to work hard all year – only to make some little mistake down the line, which seems to greatly diminish the confidence you have in yourself, as well as the confidence that others have in you. Again, it all comes down to the opinion that other people have of you. If you know that others have a low opinion of you, then you know that just one little mistake could deal a mortal blow to your career progression.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 7

The Heart Connection

The good thing about Inquiry (also known as The Work) is that you get an immediate response from within yourself, from your subconscious mind to your conscious mind; a connection is made and a response is given. However, with Self-Talk, there hardly ever seems to be a connection within yourself, as far as I am aware. Sometimes I “tune-in” to the Self-Talk recording, but more often than not, I seem to “tune-out”. I suppose you could say that you are not consciously aware of the impact it is having on your subconscious mind – but the subconscious mind is being re-programmed – even though you don’t feel it. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the truth is with this.

I must say that there are times when I listen to Self-Talk and it’s as if I really need to hear it – I listen to it consciously and revel in each word spoken. This typically happens when I get anxious about something, but do not question it with The Work, for one reason or another. In such cases, it’s as if the anxiety literally clings to me – even the next day. I can experience a similar sense of relief to using Inquiry, when I listen to some motivating Self-Talk. However, I would never advocate the use of Self-Talk alone as a substitute for Inquiry, but as a supplement to it.

Then there are the times when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety over something – at such times, I just seem to be oblivious to any Self-Talk I listen to. When I’m really anxious about something, I need to use Releasing or Inquiry to find freedom from it.

Conclusion

It’s just early days now: I’ve only been using Self-Talk for a few weeks and I can’t say that I’ve noticed a great deal of improvement and I can’t say that I have accomplished any goals because of it. But it seems to be quite convincing and compelling. Who knows if this will turn out to be yet another self-help fad that gets consigned to history?

I feel that the 15 year period since I last used Self-Talk has taught me a great deal. I have tried to express many of the things I’ve learned during that time under the affirmations tag. But I am aware of the fact that life is a journey that each of us need to encounter. It is difficult to learn the lessons of life from a book, or otherwise from someone else’s writings. You can learn some guidelines from a book, such as parenting or car maintenance – but the very skills of life itself – that kind of wisdom can only be experienced.

Hopefully, I am now older and wiser and having fallen foul of the excesses of affirmations and goal-setting and other unrealistic promises that self-help teaching seems to convey – I can now make good use of affirmations, through Self-Talk, in conjunction with Releasing, and especially, Inquiry.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 6

Goal-Setting and Being Organised

Self-Talk seems to be heavily goal-oriented and a lot of scripts in the book, The Self Talk Solution, contain statements about achieving goals.  Goal-setting requires that a person focus on something desired in the future.  For me, I see this as a guaranteed formula for anxiety.  I am now more inclined to veer away from setting goals and I tend to concentrate on experiencing peace of mind in the moment.  This necessitates focusing my mind on the everyday life, here-and-now things which are in front of me.  Goal setting invites fantasy which more often than not leads to disappointment.

But now that I have returned to Self-Talk, I am becoming more convinced of the positive effects of goal-setting.  But as Shad points out in his books – there is a need to set simple and realistic goals.  This, I believe, could help a person to be more organised and effective, as well as creating a sense of achievement upon the accomplishment of a goal.

Positive minded people often set goals and achieve them – but it is something of an automatic process with them.  I’m not entirely sure that negative minded people can artificially re-create the effects of goal-setting and get it to work for them.  I suppose I just need to find the right balance between what is realistic and achievable and what is nothing more than speculation or fantasy.

Another thing that I had a hard time accepting in Shad’s books was that he often emphasises being in control of your life.  No one is in perfect control of their life.  Unexpected things quite often happen to the most organised, successful and positive-minded people – and there is often nothing they can do to prevent it or control it.  Trying to control circumstances is probably one of the biggest causes of anxiety.

Positive minded people don’t go around planning every little detail of their lives – they often trust in others and in life to make things go well for them.  Positive people often allow life to unfold as it does, and as it does, they deal with whatever arises in the moment.  Nevertheless, positive minded people also tend to be a great deal more organised, efficient and self-controlled than negative-minded people.  Therefore, I am inclined to go along with Shad’s Self-Talk statements about being in control of my life – if it means becoming calm, organised, efficient, punctual and self-disciplined.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 5

An Encyclopaedia of Self-Talk

I remember reading 15 years ago in Shad Helmstetter’s book What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself, that he had been working on compiling an encyclopaedic collection of Self-Talk statements – but I was unable to discover anything further on the matter at the time. But now, thanks to the internet, I was able to find that this collection of Self-Talk had been published in a book called The Self-Talk Solution. This book provides over 2,500 Self-Talk statements that cover a wide range of concepts that are relevant to many, if not all, people. The book was now out of print so I had to order a second-hand copy from the internet.

There is something of a parallel between Self-Talk and The Work: both methods work by listening to, and writing down, your anxious thoughts, typically those you tend to verbalise; then, you question them (with The Work) or make Self-Talk scripts based on them (Self-Talk). So, if you say to yourself, “I hate this job – I never seem to be able to do it right.” You say something that makes it into a positive statement, such as, “I like my job, I am good at what I do and I enjoy the opportunity to utilise my skills and abilities.” I would say that both statements could be just as believable – depending on how a person’s mood at a given moment. But wouldn’t it be good if you could hear yourself speaking that positive Self-Talk everyday – regardless of your mood?

If you think about it – it just takes someone to spend a lot of time on a project to listen to their own negative Self-Talk, the kind of things that we all face in life in one form or another, then write Self-Talk scripts for all of them. That is what, I believe, Shad Helmstetter has done for us through The Self Talk Solution. Despite the different things we all face in life, our negative Self-Talk is typical and often varies rather little from person to person. This is something that Byron Katie has noticed – even thought she travels the world from country to country – she is presented with the same beliefs from person to person.

I will no doubt write and record my own Self-Talk scripts in the future. Even now I can think of some specific circumstances that I would like to focus on. But I do feel that The Self-Talk Solution presents a good, solid stock of Self-Talk scripts that are more than enough to get someone started and well on their way with Self-Talk. In fact, it might be the only set of Self-Talk scripts that you will ever need.

For the last three weeks I have been having fun recording my own voice repeating the Self-Talk scripts from The Self-Talk Solution. I have now recorded 31 Self-Talk scripts, two of which are my own scripts, the rest are from The Self-Talk Solution. I intend to record the next 20 or so scripts in the near future.

I must say that I am surprised at the quality of my recordings and how professional they sound – even with just basic equipment! If I can do it – I’m sure most people can do it as well.

The Lifetime Library of Self-Talk CDs

If you don’t feel comfortable recording your own voice – what you can do is buy The Lifetime Library of Self-Talk CDs from The Self Talk Store on Shad Helmstetter’s website.  This is a set of professionally recorded Self-Talk covering a variety of topics, 32 Self-Talk scripts in all.  This set is normally $199.00, but at the moment they are on special offer at $99.50.  Part of the description says, “No home should be without this incredible, life-changing library of professionally recorded Self-Talk CDs”.  If listening to recorded Self-Talk can really make a difference to a person’s life – then I’m inclined to agree with this statement!  You can check out the various testimonies on his website attesting to the effectiveness of these Self-Talk CDs.

Audacity

I record my own Self-Talk scripts using my computer with a good quality Skype headset and a free software application from the internet called Audacity. Audacity even comes with a range of built-in effects. One of the effects I always use is Normalize – this amplifies and regularises the volume levels in your recording.

Another effect I always use is Gverb, which is a reverb effect. Unfortunately, the default settings for Gverb will make you sound like you are in a sewer! It is necessary to tweak the settings a bit in order to get it right. These settings will give a slight reverb to give your voice to give your recording a nice presence and a professional sound:

Roomsize: 10 m²  Reverb time: 1.5 s  Damping: 0.9  Input bandwidth: 0.75  Dry signal level: 1.5 dB  Early reflection level: -30 dB  Tail level: -30 dB

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 4

The Need for a Wide Range of Self-Talk Scripts

There is another thing that struck me when reading What To Say When You Talk to Yourself recently – the author recounted that while he was using Self-Talk to lose weight, he identified fourteen different areas that he needed to work on to achieve his goal and he made a Self-Talk script for each one. He found that if he was going to lose weight, he would also need to write and use scripts for related areas which influenced his weight. These additional areas and scripts included things such as Self-Esteem and Willpower and Determination.

I personally believe that Shad Helmsetetter stumbled upon something truly significant during this experience: typically, in any area that we would like to change in our lives, there are likely to be various different other issues that also need changing. Perhaps this is another reason why most people’s efforts with affirmations don’t work? It strikes me that something as seemingly innocent as the desire to lose weight, can turn out to be, what I feel, is an opportunity for change in many areas of a person’s life and a way of identifying, and changing, areas of dysfunction that are affecting many areas of your life.

The lesson that I learn from reading about Shad’ experiences with losing weight, is that it is a good idea to use various different Self-Talk scripts that cover a broad spectrum of concepts. I would advise against, for example, singling out one or two particular areas, such as attracting wealth, and focusing on them in isolation.

I personally believe it all comes down to how secure a person is: if a person is negative minded and insecure, it is likely that they need a wide-range of Self-Talk scripts in order to literally rebuild their belief system; whereas, a positive, secure minded individual can probably get away with using specific Self Talk scripts to achieve specific goals, such as losing weight or quitting smoking.

Conditioning and the Formation of Character

Something I learned a few years ago has played a big part in my outlook on life: I believe that everything we experience in life contributes towards our beliefs – whether they be positive or negative. We are literally conditioned on a daily basis, from moment to moment. I believe that if a person is raised by positive, highly motivated and prosperous parents – they will have a positive impression on their offspring. But if a child is raised in poor conditions, that will have significant bearing on the mind of the person as they reach adult life. The effects of this conditioning need not be permanent – but I have struggled all of my life to find suitable solutions to a life lived with a negative mindset.

Many self-help authors seem to agree that the words we speak about ourselves and the words that are spoken to us, about us, make a significant contribution towards establishing our beliefs. Psychologists say that it is our formative years, the first seven years of our lives, which contribute the most towards what we believe about ourselves, the world and other people.

I personally believe that it is crucial from the moment you start primary school at about the age of five, till when you leave senior school at about the age of 16 – that you have developed a solid character with good interpersonal skills, self-confidence and self-esteem. It is the character that you build during your school years that determine how well you will fair in life as an adult.

Some people leave senior school, confident, charged and motivated – ready to take on the challenges that face them as an adult. Meanwhile, there are other people who leave senior school with a low opinion of themselves, feeling defeated already and unwilling to take risks.

I feel that the combination of Inquiry and Self-Talk could present a major breakthrough in the development of a solid character that is able to succeed and prosper in adult life – regardless of the mistakes you made, abuses experienced and opportunities you missed as a youth.

It is easy to see why some people just want to take some sort of short-cut and just use affirmations to attract wealth and power. But it seems that the more insecure a person is – the more naïve they will be and the more likely they will get carried away with unrealistic approaches. But the use of Inquiry together with a wide range of good, balanced, realistic Self-Talk scripts, presents a credible way to regain the positivity and character that you should have developed during your formative years.

The Need for Self-Talk – Part 3

Self-Talk for Self-Esteem

Now that I think about it – everyone needs to hear the kind of encouraging Self-Talk statements that are presented as examples in by Shad Helmstetter’s book – What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. You really cannot leave the responsibility to be told that you are worth something from other people – this is a responsibility that only you can bear. Self-Talk seems to carry the potential to deliver that need in a simple and effective manner.

The Work of Byron Katie deals with the want for approval which is most definitely linked to a low self-esteem. You should question an anxious thought that says, “I need so-and-so’s approval – is it true?” When you reach the turnaround, hopefully, you will see that you don’t need that person’s approval. Nevertheless, I still feel that there is a need to somehow feel wanted, loved and special. This is where I feel Self-Talk could provide the answer.  I’m not entirely sure what contributes towards a good self-esteem, perhaps it is the encouragement and acceptance of others, maybe it is something you have when everything seems to go well in your life.  Whatever makes up self-esteem – it is something that we all need and I believe that positive Self-Talk could be the answer.  After all, you cannot allow the responsibility for your self-esteem to be given to someone else.

Cognitive Dissonance

I recently learned about the concept of Cognitive Dissonance: this is the reaction that the mind has to a new belief. I suppose it is this Cognitive Dissonance that explains much of the reason why the mind often rejects affirmations which try to instil new belief patterns: they are just not consistent with existing beliefs which are deeply entrenched in the subconscious mind. Self-help gurus and hypnotists have come-up with ideas to get around this, chiefly, getting into a relaxed state so that the conscious mind will not reject the new beliefs. Some New Age gurus have presented theories about programming your mind while you sleep or using subliminal messages.

By the way, I feel that The Work is probably the best method I’ve ever used in combating this Cognitive Dissonance, although, it often requires people to be willing to embrace a truth that they may not be comfortable with at first.

Shad Helmstetter argues against the use of hypnotic and subliminal methods with affirmations – he simply argues that conscious Self-Talk is the best method to use.

How to Create Your Own Self-Talk

Basically, you write your affirmations in scripts according to a given topic. There might be about 10 to 12 different affirmations in one script. Examples of these scripts could be, “Build Self-Esteem” and “Willpower and Determination”. Then, you either read these scripts to yourself out loud, or better still, you record them onto tape and play them back to yourself. Each Self-Talk statement should be either read or recorded to tape and should be repeated three times in the first person, followed by once in the third-person i.e. Three times as “I am…” followed by once as “You are…”.  I tend to just record each statement once – then copy the script twice so that I hear myself speaking the statements three times.

The book was first written in 1982, so it makes reference to tape recorders. Of course, nowadays you probably wouldn’t use tape: you would be more likely to use a CD or an MP3. I have started using a small, 1 Gigabyte MP3 player which I stopped using when I bought my high-capacity iPod. I now use this little MP3 purely for Self-Talk. The fact that it is very small means that I can literally carry it anywhere I go. If you use a good pair of modern, noise-cancelling headphones, you can listen to Self-Talk on the train or walking down a busy high-street. Cars now have MP3 players, pretty much as standard, so you can also listen to Self-Talk while driving.

The use of Self-Talk on MP3 is the most convenient way of using it. Through this method, I think a lot of people can quite easily squeeze an hour or two effortlessly re-programming their mind with positive beliefs, while they do other things. I don’t believe that Inquiry has that same level of flexibility. Perhaps persistent Inquiry can have the same effect of re-programming your mind – but it can often be difficult to find the time to do it on a consistent basis.

Self-Talk on MP3 can be applied almost anywhere – even when you are surrounded by other people. It is like having your own personal coach that you carry around with you in your pocket – ready to give you encouragement whenever you need it.

Shad Helmstetter writes in his book that after listening to his own Self-Talk scripts on weight-loss which he recorded onto tape – he lost a significant amount of weight in a relatively short period of time. Here is a video of Shad Helmstetter himself giving a brief introduction to Self-Talk (which includes his weight-loss story): Dr. Shad Helmstetter - "The Story of Self-Talk"